Hi All, I'm not sure how much this will help me, so consequently, I'm unsure how much help I'll be in return, But I think I need to reach out a little.
My name is Ben, I just turned 50 last October. On April 6th 2002 at 13:40, I was sat astride my Kawasaki 650, that I was driving home after buying it around 13:00 feeling really elated. I waited in a line of stationary traffic right behind my girlfriends car, as she had dropped me off to buy it. To my left was a small road leading to a park, I was watching the traffic flowing freely on my right, and saw a woman talking to her passenger with her indicators blinking, showing that she was wanting to turn to her right. I assumed she could see me, before I could blink, I felt the impact. my left foot was on the road holding the bike up as I waited. I heard the noise and saw my leg pointing the wrong way. I felt a hard push as the lady, in panic I assume, put her foot on the accelerator instead of the brake. The right leg was a mess. As I zoned in and out laying in the road. I could hear crying, shouting and screaming. the next two weeks are completely missing. I am trying to keep this short but I need to explain the nightmare. If its too long you can skip to the last three lines.
My right leg was broken in multiple places, ditto the foot and ankle. it was nailed and had two halo x-fix holding the bones in line. I'd had compartmental syndrome in the first few days, so had a large open wound. The left leg was supposed to be a straight forward compound fracture that ended up having pieces of my hip inserted, it got infected. So the piece was removed. Large dose of antibiotics and a piece from the other hip was removed and tried again. failed again! this time it was MRSA. The thing would heal partially then break down again and again. I had really strong antibiotics again and again with no success. Two years of enduring terrible nerve pains, it was decided removal of the leg was best. they unwrapped it after 7 days to see...…. the infection was still there. I was devastated, I felt so ill. I had further surgeries to try to "cure" it. All this time the bone pieces had been shifting in the right leg, enough to say it would need the nail removing and bones realigned. Eventually I sought out a plastic surgeon based in Oxford, the plan was to take a piece from my lateral muscle on my back, connect it so blood flowed freely and increasing my hopes of getting a prosthetic leg. At the same time the nail removal and realignment would take place. I came round and was mentally feeling hopeful. The surgeons came to see me telling me first that the nail couldn't be removed as the head on one of the bolts holding it had sheared. meaning I couldn't weight bear on it. the stump operation seemed ok at first. Then the piece of muscle was losing its blood supply due to another infection. The upshot of this has left me with a pretty useless right leg, an ugly stump and confined to a wheelchair.
I had dark times, as I am sure most of you have. I tried to live as normal as possible, but I was a six foot 1 warehouse manager and a kickboxer that rode mountain bikes on incredible tracks and terrain. Obviously my job went as I was in hospital for just over 7 months initially. They were as good as they could be about it, and I completely understand their position. My hobbies were now completely gone, so lost touch with a lot of friends over time, as the months passed. My partner and her two sons were great I sort of house husbanded, as I got some compensation my brother talked me into a great idea for a business, that I sank a lot into it, but it failed 4 years later, with a tax bill to follow. The boys grew and the eldest now lives in Surrey and has a great job so I'm so proud of him. The youngest is at Liverpool university and is studying Mathematics, and theoretical Physics. Two clever lads, so I did a good job as a stepdad. Then 3 years ago out of the blue my partner said she didn't love me anymore and was at least honest enough to say the wheelchair was a huge deciding factor.
So I feel totally emasculated, very very low at times again and feel almost unlovable. I had an infection in the leg recently that I had to have a "midline cannula", I believe its called and had worked out how I could "medicate myself" to end it all. I've re-written this whole thing several times now and think I'm going to post it as is. I'm still projecting confident, happy Ben. I tried internet dating, the ladies that did reply didn't read my full profile and contact either stopped or some were honest enough to say "thanks but..." as soon as they heard wheelchair, Its only below my knees that's useless! I feel so lonely inside, I haven't had even a hug for over a year. I'm not saying woe is me, its just I have always been a physical person. I miss contact, even just holding somebody or being held. Jeez! I really sound pathetic don't I! Well this is me, as I said I don't know if this will help me or any of you, but I'm just reaching out I guess.