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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
eddie103

Never Mind the NIght!

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I can 'point percy at the porcelain' without worrying about germs!!!!!!(p.s. I cant point anything cos I am female but hey it was worth a laugh no!)

Don't you believe it... we used to have lady guests at social events on board ship who would be to lazy to walk to the female toilets at the back of the ship and instead preferred to use the grubby men's urinals situated next to the mess!! :blink::angry: :lol:

What worries me more, Ed, is this "3 point butt splat" that you mention. Is the 3rd point what I think it is??? :D :D

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Hi Rachel:

The intent of any entries by myself (Biffy Techniques 101) was to address this issue for new totally legless persons. Nobody could “train” me ‘cause they (the physios and ward workers here) simply did not know how to handle me.

I came to know a lady during my stint in the hospital. They had taken one leg off ak…….she “graduated” and went home with her prot leg while I was still stuck in the hospital.

Several months later, I learned that she was back……………that they had taken her other leg…………that she was now like me – no legs – no knees - etc. I went up to see her…………found out that she was in the washroom…………I waited in the hall………..out came a ward worker………later emerged “Pat”.

After her cry, I asked her about this washroom thing ‘cause I “knew” what she would say. Sure as sh_ _, they had her transferring, like all one legged persons, from chair to facility sideways……….on a transfer board………airborne……….no balance………she was a big woman… always attended by a worker……………very demeaning.

This was a Fri am……..so I says “come on “Pat”…..away we go into the female washroom………and I went through the steps I used etc and had her do a couple of “dry runs”.

I saw her on the next Monday pm. She came up to me …………….all smiles…………so proud that she had carried out these functions …………..all weekend………by herself.

She thanked me……….this is a strong memory for myself…………she has since passed away.

In my opinion, the issue of hygiene is “personal” whether abled or not. Nothing ticks me off more than those dufuses who disregard this issue……….as for me, this is just another set of processes to complete.

Kindest regards

I am glad you found these entries useful..........

ED

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eddie

I was only joking.

However I am also acutley aware that it is not an easy topic and I hope i never offended.

Rachel

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Just me again:

No offense taken Rach............glad I got the opportunity to tell the tale of my friend "Pat".

ED

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Hi Ed

Love your postings they have me in fits (of laughter). You are a bit like me, I do things my own way too.

Sorry to hear about your friend Pat though.

Ann

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Phew! that's a relief :)

Ed that was really thoughtful what you done for your friend. I'm sure most of us would have been too embarrased to offer that kind of help but you did it and Pat benefitted greatly by it. You're a real star. Thanks for sharing that with us.

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Hi Ed

I've only just read these posts & I think your advice is great. I've been using most of your 'methods' since I can remember. Although, since I had a hip & knee replacement, the options that are open to me are reduced (e.g. I can't lean forward). It's all about being inventive isn't it?

A while back you mentioned swimming & that you found front crawl difficult. I actually find it the easiest stroke - it's the breast stoke & doggy paddle that don't agree with me. Just wondered why you were having problems?

Lizzie

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Hi Lizzie:

Just wondered why you were having problems
...swimming.

My experience so far, not that I was ever a good swimmer, is that my stumpii just act as a personal flotation device. As a result, my front end seems to be lower than my rear end and the body seems to go directly in dive - - dive mode!!

On the other hand, I can tread water till the cows come home.

ED

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Yes, a small leg bulk is a problem if you swim & you're bilateral, isn't it? The legs act like floats, don't they? :unsure:

I tend to do a moderately fast front crawl - about a mile an hour - which helps keep me level. Also, because I've had to grow up with mobility problems, the muscles in my upper body are significantly larger than my lower half, which probably keeps me more level in the water too. :)

I've just been thinking Ed, if you want to try the crawl you could try wearing a swimming cap. I know that they're not a great fashion statement, but when I've worn a swimming cap it has slightly lifted my head out of the water (I think it must be the air that gets trapped inside the cap). Just a thought...

Lizzie

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Sorry Liz:

I cannot ever see me in a swimming cap.................I look wacky enough in the water now!!!! :lol: :lol:

ED

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Hey Ed,

I can relate to all of your stories on how to use the "Biffy."

As far as the swimming pool, I have not had the pleasure of being able to go swimming since the installation of my trache.

But can remember how well that I did float after I lost my legs. Before the amputation I was not able to float worth a darn. I would try, but my feet would start sinking first, then the rest of my body would resemble a submerging submarine. Before I knew it, I would be resting on the bottom.

But after the amputations, like yourself, I am practically drown proof!

Ted

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Ed Mask & snorkel helps then you don't have to do all that neck wreching!

Loved the tales from the "Biffy"

PJ :D

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Hi All:

This is my final posting on this subject. I kind of stumbled on to this while out of the house one day. I can not believe that I had not figured it out sooner…………..

Scenario:

You are the master of your home universe………..user of any biffy there…………in legs and out!!! As well, you show no fear at any of your friend’s homes (‘cause after all……..their biffy is “similar” to yours)

You go out into the real world…………..a mall……a restaurant………perhaps an airport or laundry mat…………you know…………….real places in real life.

You find yourself “needing” a biffy………….so you go there and find the “handicapped” stall……………to your horror, NOTHING is “familiar”.

The buggers have installed the grab bar………on the wrong friggin’ side!........or behind the dam biffy……….or, the bar is broken……….or, it has been stolen, sold and exchanged for beer!!!!

You three(3) choices:

1.Crap yourself and curse the fact you swore to never wear “Depends”

2.Make an excuse and leave the place…………STAT!.........while praying to whatever God that you have the “strength” to hold it until you get to your favorite biffy at home

3.Or, use………………………..

ED's "Legless 101 Biffy Techniques for the bilateral aka" Lesson VI

All you have to do is sit SIDEWAYS on the biffy so that the bar is in the position you “like” to have it………………..

By Jove,……………… I just had a thought!!!!..........

I could use the back of the biffy in conjunction with my cane………to get up!!.....................or maybe I could use the piping and stuff on some “strange” biffy to get up!!!!.....................you know what!!!!!

I don’t NEED a HANDICAPPED BIFFY!!!!!!!!!!!......................’cause I am not!!!!!

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Ed, my imagination is way out there, over the top, active to a point of distraction.

But, I just couldn't picture your story.

Photo's??????

:D

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I could use the back of the biffy in conjunction with my cane………to get up!!.....................or maybe I could use the piping and stuff on some “strange” biffy to get up!!!!

Exactly what I do, Ed! :) I use radiators, sinks, piping & paper towel dispensers (even the wall) to get up...it's a real art! :)

Also, I find it more difficult than most to get around, but I don't see myself as having a disability or a handicap (I don't like that word :()...I find the biggest disability is the reaction of other people to my legs.

Lizzie :)

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To Ally:

Ed, my imagination is way out there, over the top, active to a point of distraction.

But, I just couldn't picture your story.

That my dear, is because you have a leg with a human knee as I do not. Therefore, one must lift the entire torso along with all attachments until a mechanical knee is locked!!!!!

To Lizzie2:

I

don't see myself as having a disability or a handicap (I don't like that word )...I find the biggest disability is the reaction of other people to my legs

Agreed....................and that's because they are disabled......in the head!!

ED

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Exactly what I do, Ed! :) I use radiators, sinks, piping & paper towel dispensers (even the wall) to get up...it's a real art! :)

Me too, however, you have to be sure everything is really secure. We have just had our bathroom re-done and I went into great detail with the chap who was organizing the work, that I needed everything securely fixed. Only to find that I then had to go into the same detail with the chap who was doing the work, that I put a lot (!!) of weight on things like the basin etc. He was really quite a nice chap, but I had to almost spell things out for him, several times, and demonstrate how I actually got in the bath etc.

However, I do think a lot of contemporary furniture, fittings whatever, is much less robust now than it used to be (am I showing my age here??), a lot more plastic etc. If I am somewhere different I do really have to check how I plonk myself down on it.

I think its just that most people don't need to think about things like this in their everyday life, as probably most of us wouldn't have before we lost our limbs.

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