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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
BeckyL81

Partners dealing with it

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Hello everyone, this is my first post and already asking for opinions!

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we have been living together for one of those. He has always been great about my leg but every so often he seems to have a little worry about it. I dont want to make him sound awful because he isnt, but sometimes he worries about him being able to accept it and what other people think. I try to be sympathetic because it has been with me since birth and I have coped and dealt with all those feelings years ago. I try and see it from his point of view as it is something new for him to explain and to answer questions (and I suppose if Im honest I get fed up of answering questions sometimes too!) I am quite active, go to the gym etc and require no adaptations or walking assistance at all so often people dont even notice and if they do its only curiosity.

I suppose it just worries me when he has these little wobbles and just wondered what you all thought. Sorry to jump in at the deep end with my first post anyway!!!! :)

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Hi Becky,

Well im actually a partner of an amputee (Fireman Si on this site). I logged onto the site when he was still in hospital looking for help and advice.

I don't know what Si will say and whether he will agree with me (which doesnt usually happen!!!) but his amputation doesnt bother me in the slightest. Most of the time i even forget he has it until i see him getting ready for bed and he takes his leg off. We've been together 2 years and he had his amputation July 04.

I think it just depends on the person. I am by nature, fiercely protective over people i care about and have been known to get wound up when people stare etc. I appreciate people will look and ask questions but some people are blatantly rude about it & that annoys me.

But i think and hope si feels ok about it all. He knows it doesnt bother me & i dont see him any differently then when we first met. Nothing has changed and he's still the same crazy fool i fell in love with! Everyone deals with it differently as you'll find on this site. Part of it may be the way the person lost their limb, i dont know.

I can't deny when it happened it really upset me but it was the thought of losing him, not a leg that was worrying me. In the grand scheme of things losing a leg wasnt that bad as I still had Si and Max still had his daddy.

Your partner sounds as if he is just being protective over you. As you say you have had a longer time to deal with it than he has. You've been together a long time and i'd say he's just protective. I note your point about him saying he doesn't know whether he can accept it - but you've been together for ages & he must do otherwise you wouldn't still be together. I'd say don't worry and he sounds great if he is just being protective over you .

take care

annie x

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:D

Hi

I am Pat's husband Pat is the same as Pat was befor the amputation.I think the same about her as i did befor the operation we have been married for over forty years we got married in our teen's and Pat will always be the same pat to me.I will always worry about her but i always see all the good things that happen also. Becky he know's you are the right girl for him dont worry.

Regards John.

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Hi Becky

I see you've been lurking for a while, its good to hear from you and welcome to the site.

I often had confidence problems when I was seeing my other half, Lucy, for the first few months. I was single at the time of my amputation. After I had been out on a few dates with her I plucked up the courage to tell her of my amputation. It came as a complete shock to her as she simply had no idea (wasn't past 1st base at that time :D ).

Now 8 years on we have two wonderful daughters with a 3rd due anytime now.

She has always said that the fact I am an amputee has no affect on her feelings for me whatsoever, it is just me as I am. Her family and our friends are exactly the same.

Your boyfriends feelings are only natural. As Annie says it would seem he is very protective of you and thats great.

Lucy couldn't care less what other people think of my appearance, it is generally me that is more self conscious.

Talk to your boyfriend about it so you can both share your concerns. Communication is the key to any relationship. I learnt that the hard way in an earlier marriage.

Good luck and take care.

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Thank you for your kind replies I think its what I thought but wanted to hear it from people experiencing the same. Its nice to hear the opinion of what the other person thinks so thanks for that, I think that you can get so clouded with your own situation you can blow it out of proportion to what it is!

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Sorrrying ffor bbeeing late gurl , I ws aaaway with mom and d dad for a week and jjustb geted bback homme .

I thinking that the bestest thing thhat will workingness in any rellatiionshhipness is to be honest and hide nothhing . That innclcudeed feelings and fearnesses to . A pperson may be misingness an OUTSIDE part but the smmae pperson is tilling the samenessi nside , ame feeelings , asamenesss emmotions and smaness evveerythhing else too . Anyoone who is haveinng second thhoyghtingnessess abbout a rerllationshhip bbecause thier pppartner is missing soomething , sorry but i saying the the rellationsship was nnever that strtrongly thenn . Be confiideeentness about yourseelf .

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but sometimes he worries about him being able to accept it and what other people think

The first part of this sentence seems perfectly natural although if you've been seeing each other for 6 years I would have thought he'd accepted it by now. Not so sure about the last part though. Do you mean he worries for your sake what other people think or is he worrying about what other people think about him dating an amputee girlfriend.

After my accident my fiancee, Melissa, was a little taken aback when a friend asked in a rather surprised tone if she'd still be seeing me. M hadn't considered any other option and was rather shocked that her friend thought her so shallow that she'd ditch me and run at the first little setback.

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Hi Becky

I just wanted to respond to this post and say Hi! I cant say anything everyone has already said it, but I just hope everything works out and go for it talk to him...if you ever want to talk I am here

Lesley

18 yr old amputee since may 28, 2003

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The first thing that comes to my mind is how old are you both? Also most of us who replied so far already had our partners and that makes a difference. If he is a young man he is probably fighting normal emotions of 'What his mates think' and more mature emotions of how he feels about you.

It is odd that even though you were an amp when he met you and he has been with you for 6 years that he's still hesitating. I hate writing these suggestions as I know nothing about him but is this new or has he continually mentioned these feelings. If its new I think you leg is an exuse for something else that bothering him. If its continuous maybe you could suggest he has a break to find out what he really wants.

He will either take you up on it, which won't be nice but lets face it its better than someone being there that doesn't want to, he will probably come back feeling better for it and in turn will give you more confidence in his feelings for you. Or it will frightening him straight away and realise how silly he's being.

I'm sure he's a really lovely bloke but I'm a women and who knows what goes on in their heads :rolleyes:

In my situation Martin was driving the car when we had an accident 3 months after we got together, 17 years later (last year) I had the amputation. I had been considering it for a few years and at the beginning of last year I said to Martin I had to amputation whether he would leave me or not as I could not continue the rest of my life in this pain. Martin was honest and said he just wouldn't know how he would feel until it happened.

He was fantastic, I spent 4 weeks in hospital he was looking after the girls, his business and visiting me every night and rowed with the Dr's because he wanted me home every weekend. When it was done I asked him how he felt and he said he loves me more now than he did before. He does say that when he see's me in the Bath he feels a bit negative. Bed fine, hopping round the room with no cloths on fine, but obviously there's something that bothers him just a little when I'm in the beth :blink: But to be honest, when I see myself in a mirror whilst I have my leg off I don't like it.

So maybe its the little feelings like that he feels are wrong to have and he's blowing them up in he's mind.

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In reply to June I am 23 and he is 27. After reading the couple of replies before I went home I decided to get to the bottom of things. I think now after a good conversation its because he worries about me and what people think (as I said before I dont worry about what people thinks) and he doesnt think I deserve what I have had to cope with. He said that every so often the unfairness of how things happen still get him down and he would get annoyed if people asked about it because he thought they were being rude. I think asking questions is human nature although there are right ways of doing things. I hadnt read June's reply when I suggested a break (wasnt sure how that was going to work with having a house!!) but I think that shocked him and he said he had let his worries get all out of proportion. I dont think its the fact he hasnt accepted it, I just think he worries about other peoples attitudes, or thats what I got from what he said.

He himself is quiet (although very much a deep thinker to his detriment sometimes) as I explained there is always something we have to accept about the people we are with.

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By the sounds of it he loves you very much but just is not sure how to deal with the 'problem' the way he see's it. Your right sometimes people can think too much, I'm about to go on holiday with my family and mum and dad. They all want me to go swimming, I don't have a swimming leg, I'm not worried about being embarresed its just that I don't want strangers being uncomfortable. Maybe its one and the same thing, I don't know, I just know that is something I'm not ready for yet.

As you said people arn't perfect and it doesn't make him a monster or mean he doesn't love or not want you because he has these worries. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. My husband was with me alot during the whole process and spent a lot of time with the other amputees while we all sat around in our wheelchairs with stumps uncovered, this really helped. Unfortunately you partner hasn't gone through this. It maybe a good idea for him to come with you everytime you go to the limb centre, its not something he would look forward to I'm sure but if you can persuade him it may help. Or a better idea go to one of these get togethers people do sometimes, charity event or something, he would meet partners of amputees there and once you get talking to people he may feel a bit better.

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It does sound like he's worrying for all the right reasons.

June put it a lot better than I did, must be the womans touch. I must admit that meeting or even just knowing about the existance of other amputees is a big help. You get to realize your not the only one like this.

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In my opinion he should accept you for who you are. I have been an upper extremity amputee (whish is impossible to cover up) since I was 18 years old, over 10 years ago. I have never met someone that had a problem with it and never had a problem getting dates.

Hope this helps!!!

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Oh Lefty, you little stud.....I bet you have them all lined up round the block for you, dont you? :)

Have to say that I have not experienced problems with boyfriends and I have been an amputee since I was a baby, its something other people have to deal with and if they think that you are "special" enough (and I bet you are Becky) then there shouldnt be a problem

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Oh Lefty, you little stud.....I bet you have them all lined up round the block for you, dont you? :)

Nope, I married again. <_<

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Becky, all I can add is that anyone with any type of difference from the norm fears how someone they're planning a life with will react. I know about those who have Crohns/Colitis and both the girls with it and the guys as well worry something fierce. I have come to the conclusion that anything which makes us different is a source of concern in intimate relationships. The bottom line tends to come out before marriage whether the other person has the ability to accept the problem and the loyalty to stay with the afflicted person. My best wishes for you and your guy.

Carole

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Becky,

Welcome to the forum family glad you've joined us.

Having been born missing my foot I always worried about finding someone who would except me for me and not think of my leg as a disability. I am happily married to my wonderful guy and he tells me all the time he forgets that I'm an amputee. A lot of times when he's with his friends and he loves to do this to pple that don't know me. He'll say my one legged wife some will say don't talk about your wife like that. Then he'll drop the subject but if I'm ever around them he'll tell them this is my one legged wife Brenda and they'll say you're kidding right? I'll say nope and pull up my pant leg and show them. He makes things so easy for me because he's so excepting of my leg and me being an amputee. He knows that I have bad days with my leg and encourages me to do what I have to to make the leg better even if it means I'm on crutches for a day or so. Maybe it's because he's older and wiser (he'll be 50 in 2 monts). Anyway I can sympathise with how your boyfriend feels it's not easy to deal with pple and their questions sometimes especially when the person is rude about it. It's probably natural to have these types of feelings especially if they are protective he probably feels he needs to protect you from someone hurting you or your feelings.

Keep smiling!

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I have a husband like that Marcus :angry:

We act very similar to Brenda, Martin is a talker and whenever he meets anyone if he can get it into the conversation he will. We like to shock people :lol:. Whenevery the kids friends come round I always life my trouser leg up and show off my bit of metal work.

At dog agility (the girls do it) there is a man there who brings along his 3 legged dog. I said 'Oh I've got one of them' and showed him. 'Oh, no ones ever done that to me before' I was quite shocked and you could tell he was uncomfortable :unsure: But the following week he was chatting to me no problem. It was just a real shock and he didn't know how to respond. But most people are no problem.

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Muz your too funny.....LOL

My partner has never had a problem with my leg . She has always accepted me for me and visa versa. While that is fantastic and I love the way she accepts and supports me, she will never really understand what it is like and the problems and frustrations I have sometimes.

That's where you lot come in :D

It's too cool having someone who totally loves me and being able to whinge to you lot knowing that you understand.

Welcome to our family Becky, sorry for my late reply. Hope you feel at home here.

:)

Cat

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