Jump to content
Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
Sanicki

Amputee jokes....not intended to offend

Recommended Posts

You've heard them all........maybe not.

Here's a few I know. Add on. :D

1. What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

2. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef

3. How do you ask a one legged person to enter your car?

HOP in

4. Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him!

5. How do you get a one armed man down from a tree?

Wave to him

6. What's a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

Like I said, I hope not to offend anyone. I was just having some fun with my boys this morning. You know the phrase about laughing at yourself. I'd rather have laugh lines than frown lines anyway! :D

Keep smiling,

Linda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Funny. I especially like the deer jokes.

I don't know any amp jokes. If I did I'd tell them. I totally believe in laughing at yourself. You have to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There was a bi-lateral amp whose house was on fire and he wouldn't leave trying to put it out and he got burnt to the ground.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've got an "over 18" joke. If I don't use any bad words...can I post it here??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So do I ;) :lol: :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok Cat - you go first.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sad and defeeted.

UGH!!!!!!!!!! <_<

Ok, one more......................................

A woman was searching for the perfect man. She decided to place an ad in the paper. Many men answered the ad, but for one reason or another she was still alone. Sadly, she decided to give up her search & pull the ad. Just then the doorbell rang. Upon answering, she see a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asks him, "Can I help you?"

He says, "Yes, I'm here to answer your ad."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think you are right for me."

He replies, " Well, I have all your qualifications. I don't have arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run around behind your back & Mostly I am an attractive loving man looking for someone to love & share my life with. These are the traits you were looking for, right?"

"Well, yes they are & you do seem to be a sweet man, but there's something I need that I couldn't write in the ad & I don't think you can fullfill it."

The man quickly asks, "What is it, I'm sure I possess the quaility."

"Well, she says, I need a man who can fullfill me sexually. I don't see how you can, I'm sorry."

With a smile on his face he quickly responds, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" :o

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! ;)

Linda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nuh uh Ally you go first :P

Who knows it could be the same joke

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:huh: Come on Cat - you're bigger than me.....YOU go first..... :P

HAH - you just want ME to get into poo first, dontcha????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok - well mine starts.....there was this man with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach.......

Same?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bigger????????????.......hey I resemble that remark.

I'm losing weight honest I am.

And I've never been one to voluntarily dive into poo

Mine starts......a guy goes into the gents........... :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok - so now we know they're not the same - please, be my guest, you go first.... :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok -- Now you've decided who's going first ---- c'mon. We are all waiting!!!!

I could do with a good laugh at the moment, been feeling lousy and full of cold, coughing and streaming nose and my stump is swollen and uncomfortable.

Why should this happen when I get a cold.

Make me laugh --- Please

John

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok.......I'll dive in. :unsure:

A guy goes in the gents wearing a jacket with empty sleeves and stands at the urinal. A fellow bladder challenged man is standing beside him doing what nature intended. As he finishes the man with the empty sleeves turns to him and says, "I wonder if you would be kind enough to assist me by unzipping me." The man look at the empty sleeves and says, "Sure" and preceeds to do so. Empty sleeves man thanks him and then says, "I wonder if maybe I could stretch your kindness a little more to assist me in getting it out."

The man looks dubious but thinks to himself that this man really needs his help and noone will ever know, so assists him. The empty sleeves man relieves himself with the other mans assistance and as he finishes a pair of arms appear in the sleeves of his jacket. Stunned the helper stares at the mans hands and looks up. "Thanks so much," says the no longer empty sleeved man. " I have a rash and don't like to touch it"

Now your turn Ally :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the laughs everybody!! I hadn't heard many of them before. And if the guy in the wheelchair is still looking--I'm available!!

Caroln

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wanted to thank you all Linda, Ally & Cat for all your jokes. :D It's been one of those days that humor can be the trick to making my day a llitle better or at least put a smile on my face.

Patti

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One that I heard here that you probably have heard too is:

Where does a woman with one leg work? IHOP

The secretaries here were afraid to tell me the joke until they found out that it is almost impossible to offend me (and no, that is not a dare for some of you).

Caroln

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ----- :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks Cat --- I feel a lot better now -- your a star

john

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good one, Cat. I loved yours Carol. Thanks to all for giving me such a good laugh. Your turn, Ally. :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ooooooooooooooooooo boy.........ok..........................

There's a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach. Three beautiful women walk by and notice him.

His situation really touches them. So the first one asks : "Have you ever been kissed before?"

The limbless man replies : "no".

So the first beautiful woman leans down and gives him a kiss straight from heaven.

The second beautiful woman asks : "Have you ever had a BJ before?"

The limbless man replies (hopefully) : "no"

So the second beautiful woman leans down and gives him a BJ straight from heaven.

The third beautiful woman asks : "Have you ever been (insert bad word) before?"

The limbless man replies (breathlessly) "no".

So the third beautiful woman says : "Well you will be now, because the tide's coming in!"

:unsure:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh boy are we in the poo now :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×