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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
Sanicki

Amputee jokes....not intended to offend

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

No poo ------ just laughs

Thanks to all --- its a good thread this one -- could call it the "cheer me up" thread

Wish I could contribute

John

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you're in deep doo doo, Allly....

he he he :P :D :lol:

PS: I filled out an IHOP application today. Thanks for the heads up :P

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Thanks for these, been after some new amputee jokes for ages!

The best I've managed to come up with until now is that I don't need to try very hard to get drunk any more since I'm already legless!

I also wrote a song to the tune of J-Lo's Jenny from the block...

Don't be fooled by the leg I've not got,

I'm still, I'm still Kevvy from the block,

Used to have a leg but now I've not,

No matter where I go I know I'll hop along!

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Ooooooooooooooooooo boy.........ok..........................

There's a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach. Three beautiful women walk by and notice him.

His situation really touches them. So the first one asks : "Have you ever been kissed before?"

The limbless man replies : "no".

So the first beautiful woman leans down and gives him a kiss straight from heaven.

The second beautiful woman asks : "Have you ever had a BJ before?"

The limbless man replies (hopefully) : "no"

So the second beautiful woman leans down and gives him a BJ straight from heaven.

The third beautiful woman asks : "Have you ever been (insert bad word) before?

:huh:

Hi Ally,

I S A Y!

Perhaps we should open a new thread:

"Are amputees (women in particular) saucier than non-amputees?"

Lots of laughs :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Love,

Mike RHD

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"Well, she says, I need a man who can fullfill me sexually. I don't see how you can, I'm sorry."

With a smile on his face he quickly responds, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" :o

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! ;)

Linda

Hi Linda,

I S A Y! :o

Remember! The Pope is still a German! <_<

Love,

Mike

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Not an amputee joke. Just a groaner I shared with Cat the other day.....

Cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Looks around and says to the bartender - where is everbody?

Bartender says - they're gone to the hangin.

Cowboy says - who's getting hung?

Bartender says - ole Paper Joe.

Cowboy says, Ole Paper Joe? Never heard of a name like that. Who is he?

Bartender says - you know, he's the guy that wears a paper hat, paper vest, paper shirt, paper pants....

Cowboy says - what'd they get him for?

Bartender says - Rustlin'.....

Please don't everybody throw rotten things at once.

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Deja Vu :blush::huh:

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Really loved the song Kev came up with! Absolutely Brilliant!

Lisa

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Really loved the song Kev came up with! Absolutely Brilliant!

Lisa

Bit slow discovering your complement but thanks Lisa, glad you enjoyed it!!! :D

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Kev

I changed the words so it was Lisa and recorded it on my phone. My son said I was sick, which just made me laugh even more because it just proves that I still have a warped sense of humour.

Cheers

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Okay,

What do you call an amputee in the pool? Bob!

What do you call an amputee on the wall? Art!

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what did the horse say to the jocky with one leg?

how you getting on?

a man wakes up in a hospital bed with the doctor standing beside him.

Doctor: ive got some good news and some bad news

man: whats the bad news?

Doctor: well....erm, we amputated the wrong leg......

man: what?? well whats the good news?

Doctor: well, the leg we were supposed to amputate is getting better!

love all the jokes...just thought id ad some naff ones!

xxx

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A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

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A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

Oh dear! That is really bad.

JudyH

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:blink::huh: :D :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sis Cat!

:P

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I'm struggling to keep up with you Cat.

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water.

The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

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:lol: :lol: :lol:

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I saw this one on another forum, but it simply must be shared!

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrr, well, we was caught in a monster storm off the cape, and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin` me out a school of sharks appeared and one of `em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Arrrrr," mused the pirate, "we was boardin` a trader ship, pistols a-blazin`and swords a-swingin` this way and that. In all the fracas, me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

The pirate looked sheepish; "A seagull droppin` fell into me eye," he said.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Arrrr, well..." said the pirate, "...T'was me first day with the hook..."

Roz :)

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:P :P :P :P

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