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Marilyn

Silly Stuff!

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Two old guys are pushing their shopping carts around Home Depot when they

collide. The first guy says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK...... What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bosoms, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

(Forgive me folks, I get giddy when it is no longer February!! :rolleyes: )

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Well, then "Happy March 1st!!! :D :P :D :P :D :P

Oh. And good joke,too.

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Nice one :D :D :D

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HAHAHAHAH your so fun marilyn

Good one!!! Keep them coming!!!!

Lesley

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Hi Marilyn,

Here's mine.

A wife and her husband are getting ready for bed. She's looking at herself in the mirror and moaning, "I'm so fat; I have wrinkles all over and everything is sagging." Then she turns to her husband and says, "say something positive to make me feel good about myself." He says, "well, your eyesight is perfect."

jackcham

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Afet,

You went and got me started.

Three guys are discussing death. The first one said, "when I'm lying in my casket I want people to say..... he was a wonderful husband and father who always provided for his family." The second guy said, "when I'm in my casket I want people to say..... he was a great teacher who started many children on the road to the future." The third guy said, "when I'm in my casket I want people to say....hey look, he's moving"

jackcham

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Then there was the elderly gentleman, in his 80s, who went into a singles bar. He noticed an attractive, sliver haired lady sitting at the bar and decided to make his move. He took the seat beside her and then leaned over and said, "Hello there, do I come here often.

jackcham

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A wife and her husband are getting ready for bed. She's looking at herself in the mirror and moaning, "I'm so fat; I have wrinkles all over and everything is sagging." Then she turns to her husband and says, "say something positive to make me feel good about myself." He says, "well, your eyesight is perfect."

The funeral was lovely, by the way.

;)

-m-

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Hi Marilyn,

Here's mine.

A wife and her husband are getting ready for bed. She's looking at herself in the mirror and moaning, "I'm so fat; I have wrinkles all over and everything is sagging." Then she turns to her husband and says, "say something positive to make me feel good about myself." He says, "well, your eyesight is perfect."

jackcham

I've heard that joke too but the punchline to say some positive about me was "you're good at cooking, cleaning and ironing"

--- Rob, ducks for cover from avalanche of female abuse---

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Oh My!!!!!!!!!!!!!

post-7-1142541685.jpg

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At that point Nestudas, I doubt anyone would care! :P

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:ph34r::unsure::rolleyes: You people are hilarious......and that gal didn't look like anyone would want her anyway. I love it :wub::wub: when I meet people who aren't afraid to laugh and have a good time!!!!!!!!!

Bring them on!!!

:P :P :P

(eag)

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Ann, somebody sent me that awful picture in an e-mail and well, I couldn't resist. Maybe I SHOULD have... a bit graphic!! :D

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The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He

stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a

finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am

the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a

gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a

sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw

me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess

who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*cking funeral director would be my guess.

:P

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Subject: Nutritional Facts

1. Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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:lol: :lol: - That was good, Mike.

Here's one I thought I'd post, because it's St. Patrick's Day:

-------------

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man.

"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.

"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.

"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Hi

Here's one of my favourites...

A Londoner is on holiday in Spain and is thirsty so he walks into a bar to get a drink!

But he is all of a panic! No one can understand a word he is saying as he speaks...like ALL Brits...only English!

Then RELIEF!! He remembers the travel advice given to all Brits in Spain!

'Just shout out the words in English very slowly and always finish with por favor!'

S-O H-E S-A-Y-S V-E-R-Y L-O-U-D-L-Y A-N-D V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y

"A P-I-N-T O-F L-A-G-E-R P-L-E-A-S-E P-O-R F-A-V-O-R!"

The barman says back very loud and very slow

" W-H-A-T P-A-R-T O-F E-N-G-E-R-L-A-N-D A-R-E Y-O-U F-R-O-M?"

"L-O-N-D-U-N" the Londoner shouts (very slowly) in reply

"M-E T-O-O" The barman says back very loud and very slow

The Londoner then says to the barman

"T-H-E-N W-H-Y A-R-E W-E S-P-E-A-K-I-N-G S-P-A-N-I-S-H"?

Lizzie :)

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Then RELIEF!! He remembers the travel advice given to all Brits in Spain!

'Just shout out the words in English very slowly and always finish with por favor!'

Now't wrong wi that ... Works every time :lol: :lol:

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Happy St. Pat's...................................

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and, much to his horror, sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Linda

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