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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
lisa

I'm Devastated

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Guest bearlover

Lisa, Letting go of grudges benefits you more than anyone else. When you hold on to anger and resement, stess can get the better of you. Releasing negative emotions is freeing. Good things in your life can out number the bad. Maybe if you gife it time you may feel differently about it. ;) :)

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I thought I was beginning to erase this man from my life! As I have said before both myself and my partner worked in the same warehouse as this man, infact my partner was both mine and this man's supervisor. We have found out he is back at work doing the same job even though he has been offered numerous alternatives. My partner is off sick at the moment due to severe anxiety etc and we feel that this man clearly does not care about what he has done. Why would he put us threw further trauma by not accepting a transfer. Again it is us who have to suffer by changing jobs. I personally feel that if he was traumatised as he has claimed why would he want to return to the place where it happened, driving the forklift that he was on! This man should have done the decent thing and resigned. Please don't tell me that being bitter bla bla bla. If this man showed a ounce of sorrow for what he has done to me, my family, friends and work colleagues then maybe I could move on. When someone has done something so devastating and shows no remorse it's impossible to ever forgive or forget. I feel like confronting him and showing him my leg. Everyone still thinks that when I get my limb I will be like Heather Mills. I have no skin or fat below the thigh so this is all donor skin from other parts of my body. I loved wearing tight fitted and revealing clothes, this is no longer possible as the deformity will clearly be seen threw clothes. Yes I know my life isn't over but my old life is and I don't like my new life. I will probably have difficulty when walking because of the severity of my skin grafts (it is so tight I cannot bend my knee), they say I will probably need to use walking sticks, there will be an increased risk of sores because the skin is so delicate. If you knew me before my accident you would understand why I simply cannot move on.

Lisa

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Lisa, this man would have to be subhuman not to feel anything about what has happened to you. A doctor is responsible for my loss. I dread seeing her and I have a couple of times. But you know what? I decided that I have NOTHING to feel badly about. I didn't do it. She did. So the more she sees me the more she knows I no longer have a leg. As angry as I was at her, it wasn't worth it taking over my life.

I beg you to somehow let this go, thru counseling, or whatever it takes. If you don't get thru this, your life will not only have changed it will be ugly and full of bitterness and hate. Find your light and let it shine. Be an inspiration to others. Someone near you may someday suffer from limb loss and will need your guidance.

Honey, this takes TIME. You can still have a beautiful rewarding life. Two years ago I put on a pair of shorts and immediately took them off and then cried for about 2 weeks. Now I don't care. This is one step at a time. People love you for who you are not what you lost or what you think your body looks like, and you WILL feel better about yourself one day. And I know it doesn't matter how many times people say it doesn't matter I know it does matter to you. It certainly did to me. I was the one being hard on myself. As for wearing tight sexy clothes. Girl, when you FEEL sexy you ARE sexy, no matter about anything else.

Please feel free to email or PM me anytime. I'm here for you.

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Lisa, it sounds to me that you are trying to write the script on how you think this man should feel. You have absolutely NO CONTROL over that.

It also sounds to me like he is injuring you over and over again - this time, with your permission.

I know that this sounds harsh, but believe me. He is going about his way, with or without the feelings that you think that he should have, and the things that you think that he should do.

It is you that I am worried about. Hate and bitterness will eat you up. Believe me - I've been there.

He has wronged you, and by your thinking, is continuing to wrong you each day. Either deal with it, or let it drag you under. The choice is yours. Don't let him have the power over you.

I know, you are thinking Blah, Blah, Blah, but the words that you are hearing are from people who have been in your place - some worse, much worse, and others maybe the same, but still they had to deal with it - OR, are still dealing with it everyday. Yes - We act like we know how you feel...... because we do. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!

You conquer it or it conquers you. It is that simple.

P.S. I said SIMPLE - I didn't say EASY

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However despite the fact I had no one to blame, I recognised very quickly I had two choices here, one was to get on with my life, or sink into a pit of despair. I chose the former and now with a lot of determination and hard work I have just about regained the life I had before....

Awesome, and Lisa, this statement (above) made me remember something. I was put in the hospital (again!) thinking I just had to battle an infection under the skin. The doc came to me and told me they had to amputate (this after he'd assured me for months to ignore pain and drainage -- shouldn't a surgeon (CHIEF of reconstructive surgery) know that bones become infected?).

I was left in shock, lying in that bed, alone. The tv was on and there was some asinine commercial playing. I responded, in anger and out loud, just cursing out that commercial and life in general. A stream of invectives poured out of my mouth.

All of a sudden, like a bolt of lightning, I realized that I could stay in this state of extreme bitterness forever, or I could put it behind me and move forward. I decided right then and there to pray for everyone else in that hospital and move forward. I knew that if I chose bitterness, it would eat me up alive.

Lisa, you are entitled to your feelings, but eventually, you have to decide what will serve YOU the best.

I'll be sending all good karmic vibes into the universe for you.

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Lisa, this man would have to be subhuman not to feel anything about what has happened to you. A doctor is responsible for my loss. I dread seeing her and I have a couple of times. But you know what? I decided that I have NOTHING to feel badly about. I didn't do it. She did. So the more she sees me the more she knows I no longer have a leg. As angry as I was at her, it wasn't worth it taking over my life.

I beg you to somehow let this go, thru counseling, or whatever it takes. If you don't get thru this, your life will not only have changed it will be ugly and full of bitterness and hate. Find your light and let it shine. Be an inspiration to others. Someone near you may someday suffer from limb loss and will need your guidance.

Honey, this takes TIME. You can still have a beautiful rewarding life. Two years ago I put on a pair of shorts and immediately took them off and then cried for about 2 weeks. Now I don't care. This is one step at a time. People love you for who you are not what you lost or what you think your body looks like, and you WILL feel better about yourself one day. And I know it doesn't matter how many times people say it doesn't matter I know it does matter to you. It certainly did to me. I was the one being hard on myself. As for wearing tight sexy clothes. Girl, when you FEEL sexy you ARE sexy, no matter about anything else.

Please feel free to email or PM me anytime. I'm here for you.

It can't be said much better than this. The leg only changed the way you look. Hate and bitterness can change the person. Don't let that happen.

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Lisa,

I, too, lost my leg due to someone else's negligence... Mine happen to be a 18 year old girl on a cell phone, with a 15 year old passenger, and boys on their mind... The 15 year old girl lives just down the road from us.

I heard her at the scene tell my husband that she didn't see me, she wasn't paying any attention...

I never once, in all the months of hospitalization, saw or heard a word from them, or recieved a card.

For a while, I carried a lot of anger around, then one day, I decided that I wasn't going to let that little gal off the hook.. I also, wasn't going to give her a minute more of my life.. Enough had already been taken away...I don't shy away from the places that she or her family might be. I raise my head, and go!!

To say that I don't get frustrated from time to time would be wrong, I do... Especially when it is something that I used to do and now can't because of the accident...However, I don't stew long about it, and then I go on... Besides, there is every possibility that it bothers them as much if not more than it does us... Marcia said it right.........

There comes a time when you have to say.... I forgive you for what you done, and then just move on.. It is amazing how much happier in life you will be... For me, it was like lifting a burden that I wasn't even really aware of.

For most of us, I think it is just finding a place to let go of all the anger and then get on with our lives....

We're here if you need to talk...

Tammie

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Lisa, a lot of good people have said it in a lot of good ways:

IT IS A CHOICE.

We've all had to face it, no matter what brought us to this place. We've all had to make the choice: spend the rest of our lives in a pit of bitterness, anger, and despair... or LIVE AGAIN. It really is that simple.

No matter what happens, no matter what the other party says or does or feels, no matter what choice you make, it's all the same: you have lost a leg and it's not coming back. That's a cruel reality, but it IS reality... so the question now is, what do you choose to do about it?

You're entitled to feel every single bit of raging emotion you're going through. You're even entitled to be just as bitter and angry and vindictive as you can be. And you're ALSO entitled to find a way to put it in your past and move on to doing all you can to rejoin LIFE and recreate yourself as a stronger, wiser woman.

It doesn't mean you have to "forgive and forget" as in "we're all chums again, nothing really happened." Obviously something BIG happened and it's NOT going away. But you can "forgive" life for giving you a nasty turn of events to deal with, and you can "forget" about letting bitterness drag you down.

It IS a choice. It's YOUR choice. I hope you choose LIFE.

take care... cherylm

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Hi Lisa

well in one way I can relate what you are going through. A doctor did mess my foot up, and we tried to sue him, and the lawyers said there was no negligence. I wrote him a letter telling him what he had done to me, and he finally wrote back, and sincerely apologized about my problem, and I was devastated for a while, but then miserable, I was not able to walk for a long time, but I found out doctors are not supposed to tell you they messed up on a surgery.

I can relate to you on that level. But having to be in the same area as him, I feel really bad about that. Just remember to smile, even though you are so mad at him, do not let him see you upset.

Being nice makes him feel alot worse.

Lesley

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Hello Lisa:

I was wasted by a loser some five years ago. As part of my "process' ...........I hated the man who cut me in two. In the end though, there is nothing one can do.

I do know that if you let the hate control you it will eat up your life like cancer............and that is not an agreeable thing.

I decided that I did not live through my ordeal only to allow this loser take it away from me.

ED

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Hi Lisa,

I too can relate to your experience. In brief the woman who hit me was behind a garbage truck and turned across my lane of traffic without looking. One of the things in the settlement I wanted was an expression--letter--saying she was sorry I was hurt--I didn't even ask that she accept the blame--and she refused. Instead she (or the insurance company, laid a counter claim insisting I was at fault--that set me off the deep end. Even though this has been going on for least a year the only time it upsets my life is when my father's insurance lawyer calls (he is truly a good man) and updates me. I have been very clear I am not going to do anything that impacts on my life for them--if they are suing they have to come here to interview me (the accident was on Cape Cod in Mass. and I live in Saskatchewan Canada). This has given me control when I have felt very much out of control. What also gives me pleasure is thinking that if it goes to trial wearing a shorter--just below the knee--than normal skirt/dress and limp a little more than normal. I am sure the jury with have a lot more sympathy with me than her as she continues to live life normally.

So, I have been able to get to the point, thanks be to God, where I rarely think of her. Once this is over I do plan to write a letter to her, not a blasting letter, but one that simply states how her inattention has changed my life.

Peace, Beth Marie

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Hi Lisa,

I can relate to how you feel or felt, considering your post is 2 years old. Perhaps you no longer feel the way you do. I was hit by an Oldsmobile outside of my car. The man did not have insurance or a license. He spent 8 months in jail and then was released. That was his punishment. I would think to myself, "He gets a slap on the hand and I get a lifetime of pain." How is this fair? Well first of all, this way of thinking contributed to years of my depression. Hating him and hating what happened to me, which led to me hating myself, took control of my life. Second of all, he caused my amputation, and after years of sadness, I sure as heck wasn't going to let him take my life too. All the frustration, anger, pain, depression, was all boiling up inside of me, ruining me. I wasted years of my life, and all I can say is that I regret it with all my heart.

Instead of hating the man, I thank him. He changed my life, not in a bad way, but in a good way.

Nicole

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