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Gil Davis

Mostly For Over 40's

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Go to Google and type in: Cursor Magnifying Glass and just follow the instructions for a free download from there.

I've had it on my desktop for over a year or more, and just click on it to turn the cursor into a glass when needed. It does come in handy sometimes - for older folks who sometimes use my computer, that is. :angry:

It works for me. :)

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Here's several.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office;

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

-----------------------------------------

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

-------------------------------- ---------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-----------------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

--------------------------------------------

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! , tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." :o :ph34r:

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Nope - It didn't work when I copied and pasted it either, but it is the address that I get when I go to my "properties". Someday I'll see if I can find the orginal email that this was sent to me on. Sorry.

Cat, if you want to delete all of this.........

I would, but I don't have an edit button like some people. Ahumpfh

The best I can do is This Jim....hope it's the right one :)

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A 78 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it was amusing enough to have it published in The Times. Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 78 year old woman;

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?

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"How do I know that my youth's all spent?

Well, my get up and go has got up and went.

But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin

When I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden, so I've heard it said,

But sometimes I wonder, when I get into bed.

My years in a drawer and tea in a cup,

My eyes on the table until I wake up.

The sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself --

'Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?'

And I am happy to say as I close my door,

My friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,

I could kick of my heels right over my head,

When I grew older my slippers were blue,

But still I could dance the whole night through.

Now I am old, my slippers are black.

I walked to the store and puff my way back;

The reason I know my youth is all spent,

My get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don't mind, when I think with a grin

Of all the grand places my get up has been.

Since I have retired from life's competition,

I busy myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, dust off my wits,

Pick up my paper, and read the "Obits,"

If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead.

So I eat a good breakfast, and go back to bed."

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There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.

I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? The Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

:P :P :P :P :P :P :P

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Gil, I once actually met a lady (on a cruise ship, of course) who came pretty close to living that lifestyle!

Gladys was in her 80s and didn't have much family. What she DID have, in abundance, was a lively intellect and a spirit of adventure. When she retired, she moved into a fairly inexpensive residential hotel room and started booking cruises! She'd line them up, end-to-end, hopping from ship to ship until she felt the need to be on dry land for a bit... then the cycle would start again.

I met her on a small-ship cruise of the Pacific Northwest. She did a pretty good job of keeping up with us on the shore excursions and was a lot of fun to be around!

I thought then that it sounded like a grand retirement scheme... and I still do!

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This younger generation is much to dependent on computers. For instance, are you male or female?

Look Down

See! I said LOOK down, not SCROLL down. :rolleyes::ph34r::ph34r:

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Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are

interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction. :blink:

..

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.

When you are done, you will have a place to live. :ph34r::ph34r:

..

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant. :( :(

..

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: Take off your glasses.

..

Q: Why should 50+ folks use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

..

Q: Is it common for 50+ folks to have problems with short-term memory

storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

..

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

..

Q: Where do 50+ folks look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

..

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ folks when shopping in

antique stores?

A: "I remember these."

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** LIFE IN THE 1500'S ***

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be . Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite specia l. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[

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Life's Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

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Gill

Yeah I am over 40 a grand bit over 40. And dang I am proud of it, see I did accomplish something before I stated that I was proud. I made it past 40.

Yup recall the days very well. No one sued you and you did not sue any one, or at least not to my knowledge. I suppose someone sued someone how else did the lawyers make their money. That was before the word lawyer was considered a foul word.

Got caught doing something I was not supposed to be doing, dang if the entire neighborhood did not know about it.

We lived in an apartment building in NJ. Fine behind the building was a very long alley. Went from the beginning of the street to the botttom, of course the last 200-300 yards were downhill. When it snowed we would always bulid a snow wall at the bottom of the hill, since it lead into the busiest street in town. Then sled to our hearts content. No we did not own Polertec or any other fancy weather type clothes. We played all day came in with frozen hand, red cheeks and cold feet. Pulled off our soaking wet clothes and drank hot cocoa. That was not from a mix.

Do I like the advances in some areas of the life, heck yes. Gosh I do not wish to trade in my pros for a peg leg. And hey I could not get to know you unless we were using a computer.

But I do miss the old days. Ate raw hamburger all of the time, yum!!! Did not get e-coli either.

Thanks for the memories

Paula

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Gil, I'm 51 and totally relate!

I remember, too... only AM radio. Those awful echo chambers in the back speakers of the "cool" cars. Little wax bottles of syrupy stuff that resembled pop "bottles" (yes, remember bottles?). First grade, our milk came in little glass bottles with the paper stoppers.... Yikes, I'm old!

Marilyn

I too recall the echo chambers and AM radio did I ever think I was top dog when I was a senior in HS dating a college guy. He has AC in his car!!! And a stereo. Wow I was the queen. Ha!

And the candy that looked like pop bottles, did you chew the wax? We all did.

Yup I can recall very well buying penny candy too, and I mean the type that was 3 for a penny.

Yup getting old but enjoying every minute of it.

How dare my new nurse practitioner right off that I have back pain as...."well you are 58". She makes that sound as if I am one foot in the grave. Hey lady nurse did you ever think that perhaps my pros needs to be adjusted??? Or perhaps my right orthotic needs to be done again??

Well I am 58 I am not old and I still pray the God has a good number of years left for me.

Paula

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I loved those wax bottles of coke. And, yep, I chewed 'em. How 'bout candy cigarettes? Those were great. You couldn't sell those nowadays. And wax lips. How much fun were they? Hell, I'm old too. But it sure has been fun getting here.

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