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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

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Let me guess, Sparky...

...you're wife's been hiding the chocolate biscuits from you again, hasn't she? :P

Lizzie :)

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Let me guess, Sparky...

...you're wife's been hiding the chocolate biscuits from you again, hasn't she? :P

Lizzie :)

Lizzie, it’s far, far worse than chocolate biscuits, I am talking Jaffa Cakes! :unsure:

Female logic:

I lost about a stone and a half due to constant infections, go into hospital and have roughly another stone removed. The best bit, she reckons that my new height x my weight makes me obese?? That equals justification to deprive me of life’s little luxuries.

Sparky

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Not...the Jaffa Cakes?!?! :o :unsure:

But, seriously, I think she needs to know that it's a little more complicated than comparing your height & weight, Sparky. Tell me, have you been weighed by your limb centre? They will be able to tell you whether you are obese or not.

More importantly, once you're walking with two BK & thigh corsets, your energy requirements will just shoot up - you'll need all the Jaffa Cakes you can get then! ;)

Lizzie :)

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Lizzie, seriously, my wife is a highly qualified nurse of some 30 yrs experience and knows how complicated it can be, unfortunately, for me uses this knowledge to make my life hell... :(

well, it seems like hell when all I get is a celery stick wrapped in a lettuce leaf for dinner.

After the sockets damaged my knees and stumps, I had to stop doing everything and give them the time to heal, and yes, maybe I did put on couple of pounds while I’ve been confined (6 months) to a wheelchair. However, I am OK as far as the rehab is concerned as long as I don’t put on any more weight. Believe me the Jaffa Cakes are the real incentive to get up and running.

I’m sat here reading what I’ve just written – I’m I really turning into Homer Simpson?

Sparky

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Hi Sparky!

...as Homer once said, it sounds like your wife is being "Judge and Judy" concerning your diet!

You haven't degenerated to reading "The Pie Times" yet, have you?!?

Best wishes

Roz. :)

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Lizzie, seriously, my wife is a highly qualified nurse of some 30 yrs experience and knows how complicated it can be, unfortunately, for me uses this knowledge to make my life hell... :(

well, it seems like hell when all I get is a celery stick wrapped in a lettuce leaf for dinner.

I've heard that nurses can be the worst type of 'rellie' to have at home when you're ill or rehabing. :blink:

However, I don't believe you about the celery stick wrapped in a lettuce leaf! :lol: No wonder she's acting like Judge & Judy (thanks, Roz), you're probably driving the poor woman to distraction...in a nice way, of course. :rolleyes:

Lizzie :)

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Lizzie, seriously, my wife is a highly qualified nurse of some 30 yrs experience and knows how complicated it can be, unfortunately, for me uses this knowledge to make my life hell... :(

well, it seems like hell when all I get is a celery stick wrapped in a lettuce leaf for dinner.

I've heard that nurses can be the worst type of 'rellie' to have at home when you're ill or rehabing. :blink:

However, I don't believe you about the celery stick wrapped in a lettuce leaf! :lol: No wonder she's acting like Judge & Judy (thanks, Roz), you're probably driving the poor woman to distraction...in a nice way, of course. :rolleyes:

Lizzie :)

Lizzie & Roz, I'm just glad she's Judge & Judy and not Richard & Judy :D Lizzie, I do get half a tomato and if I'm in the good books I get to lick out the yogurt pot when my wife has finished with it. Roz, I spend my free time on this Pie website.

SPARkY H

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Lizzie & Roz, I'm just glad she's Judge & Judy and not Richard & Judy :D Lizzie, I do get half a tomato and if I'm in the good books I get to lick out the yogurt pot when my wife has finished with it. Roz, I spend my free time on this Pie website.

You fibber, Sparky H! How can you say such things?! :o

I hope for your wife's sake that they make you bipedal again...very soon! :lol:

Lizzie :)

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Lizzie, This is a very recent picture of me having to beg for a crumb. :D

mlf-skeleton-pd-05-kj002.jpg

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You don't 'let it lie', do you, Sparky? :lol: :D :lol:

Lizzie :)

PS I'm surprised it's taken you this long to find that picture! :P

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Lizzie, because I'm being starved to death I don't have the strength to pick up a pint let alone turn on my PC. Plus, her that must be obeyed has finally decided that hard graft will help me waste away, I've been plastering and tiling in the evenings.

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SPARKY

I have watched this thread with interest. I believe in the sanctity of women rule. :) It is only right that your wife take control of a so obviously needy situation. :rolleyes:

But be careful, I have heard tales of such women, (who in my opinion need to be recognised more) they manage to turn the neanderthal into the six pack and then get bored and move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Dont be selfish let us talk to your lady wife and compare notes I am sure we could learn a few tips to assist us in our battle against the COACH POTATO syndrome.

Rachel

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Rachel,

I'd love to let her join in, however I lost the key. I also know that she worships the ground that...

awaits my corpse. :D

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Sparky

Did I mention I am real good with a nail gun and now I really need to meet her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Coffins come as standard with the 'coach potato' syndrome.

If she cares to join in then maybe we can work on a good design. Of course it has to be cost effective, I also found out that we can bury one person each per garden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that I am cheap but if I wanna make a buck or two I have to think of the over heads.

Love and hugs to sparky's wife

Rachel

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Did I mention I am real good with a nail gun

Rachel, come on, I do not believe you use a gun to do your nails.

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Sparky

What imagination!!!!!!!!!!! :P Why would I need a nail gun for that! I have so many other uses for it. :D Would you like to guess them!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Ps can I have your wifes recipe for poison cake. My coach potato is taking too long to lose weight!

Rachel

(p.s.s. Please dont take offence anyone, this is just a joke. Its so good to be able to joke around and I love Sparkies sense of humour)

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As you live in Milton Keynes, my guess would be Russian Roulette :D

My wife is a typical old wicked witch. She draws her magic from the demonic lower planes and nature it self.

Her hobbies include brewing evil potions, kidnapping damsels in distress, turning handsome young men (such as myself) into frogs or ogres and cooking and eating children. She is evil by the way... very evil. However, she has given me a link to pass on to you to test your husband. If the score is high she will give you a recipe.

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My wife is a typical old wicked witch. She draws her magic from the demonic lower planes and nature it self.

Her hobbies include brewing evil potions, kidnapping damsels in distress, turning handsome young men (such as myself) into frogs or ogres and cooking and eating children.

Goodness! :o Eating children? :huh:

Well, I found this chocolate face hanging on a garden fence the other day! :o So, this must be your house? ;)

Lizzie :)

PS So are you a frog or an ogre? :P

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Sparky

Looks like I will have to pass on the recipe. He could not be bothered to get off the sofa just to do this one thing for me!

However, I did it for him and he scored 80 (thats high isnt it).

Rachel

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My wife is a typical old wicked witch. She draws her magic from the demonic lower planes and nature it self.

Her hobbies include brewing evil potions, kidnapping damsels in distress, turning handsome young men (such as myself) into frogs or ogres and cooking and eating children.

Goodness! :o Eating children? :ph34r:

Well, I found this chocolate face hanging on a garden fence the other day! :o So, this must be your house? ;)

Lizzie :)

PS So are you a frog or an ogre? :P

Lizzie, I think that's very cruel, showing me pictures of chocolate especially when it appears to be laughing at me. Ah, the house, we had to leave because the neighbours complained about the smell coming from the cauldron. Also fell out with the local council, they reckoned we needed planning permission to decorate the out side of the house with plastic spoons.

I'm only a frog when I'm told to hop it :P

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