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Plastic spoons & the smell were the only gripes then, Sparky? :ph34r:

Lizzie :)

Can’t hide much from you can I, there is more to the story. The neighbours complained about the blood curdling screams. My wife’s cats, all 13 of them. The rare and deadly pussy cat is an evil, magical feline that hunts by day, preying on traffic wardens and local government officials. They appear much like mountain lions except for their size.

Then there is my wife’s relatives, came to stay and never left, had to confine them to the garden shed as they weren’t house trained. Very strange people, native of Ethereal Plane, the solitary, stoic humanoid called party-killers by the trendy and geeks alike, they are assassins par excellence. party-killers of either gender appear as tall, bald humans with elfish ears and light grey flesh tattooed with one mark for each slick practise during their long lives. You might no them by their other name, solicitor.

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As you live in Milton Keynes, my guess would be Russian Roulette :D

My wife is a typical old wicked witch. She draws her magic from the demonic lower planes and nature it self.

Her hobbies include brewing evil potions, kidnapping damsels in distress, turning handsome young men (such as myself) into frogs or ogres and cooking and eating children. She is evil by the way... very evil. However, she has given me a link to pass on to you to test your husband. If the score is high she will give you a recipe.

Ok I scored Marks cause he would not get out of bed, tells ya something. He scored a 90. I think he married me cause I owned a Harley, truck, power tools, could do tattoo's and could cook. I think I got the short end? :lol: He owned his clothes though! :P No seriously he is a nice guy but Mr. toolman certainly was not his nickname. Although in all fairness after the accident he has learned how to use power tools very well. I think you guys just fake it so the blonde does the handy work?! ;) I wonder if I'll ever know the answer to that?

Skully Cat

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Cat, my wife is the original author. I had a real fight with her to get the <A name=OLE_LINK1>Eunuch clause removed.

If found in violation of more than one of the provisions stated in the form (does not have to be on the same night) she had the right to have me castrated using a method of her choice.

The reason for this form goes way back. I had a friend who was a bit of a computer geek.

He was having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,which he had used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.

But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as: Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (all guaranteed for a limited period).

But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and can not be deleted - they resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs UltraSTROP and WHINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring ShoeShop Browser Pro for new attatchments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

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Very good, Sparky! :D

So, come on, tell us why you were awful at school? (That was you, that said that, wasn't it? :blink:)

I suspect that your teachers didn't 'challenge' you enough...am I right? :angry:

Lizzie :)

PS I agree with bearlover, Cat. Those contracts seem fair to me! :lol:

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Guest bearlover
Very good, Sparky! :D

So, come on, tell us why you were awful at school? (That was you, that said that, wasn't it? :blink:)

I suspect that your teachers didn't 'challenge' you enough...am I right? :angry:

Lizzie :)

PS I agree with bearlover, Cat. Those contracts seem fair to me! :lol:

OH yes! the contract makes perfectly good sence! and very a very fair one! :)

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I think he married me cause I owned a Harley, truck, power tools, could do tattoo's and could cook… …I think you guys just fake it so the blonde does the handy work?!

Skully Cat

Scully Cat, if you had said you owned brewery as well, I would already be swimming across the Atlantic.

Very good, Sparky!

So, come on, tell us why you were awful at school? (That was you, that said that, wasn't it? )

I suspect that your teachers didn't 'challenge' you enough...am I right?

Lizzie

PS I agree with bearlover, Cat. Those contracts seem fair to me!

Lizzie, actually my teachers did challenge me over my school work:

Science - electricity and water experiments in the school pool and the showers in the changing room

Maths and business studies – bookies and money lending

Written English – Limericks (about teachers) on the school walls

Biology – I’m saying nothing however, I did enjoy my studies.

Time keeping – I did object to this as it implied I turned up

The list of my school achievements is endless and still goes unrewarded

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Oh, Sparky, is there anything else left to say? Your posts always leave me smiling...

Watch out what you say though or you will be on bread and water for a week again.....

:huh: ;)

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Higgy, I find it necessary to mention the dreaded dungeon, or as my wife likes to call it, the best room. It is literally a hole. There is no light, no running water and no sanitary conditions. The floor is just dirt.

I may have mentioned my wife before, an evil, malevolent hag from the depths of the forest; she has been plying her trade in the surrounding area for many years. A large, hunched woman with beady eyes and sharp teeth, she is extremely crafty and cunning, with no empathy or remorse, for her husband. She is adept at keeping a low profile, so much, so that most people in the surrounding towns regard her as a nurse.

I once treated my wife to a new chair, actually, it was a second hand chair and the man in the antique shop referred to it as a ducking stool. I couldn't wait to get home and show my wife the present I had bought her especially as it was about the same age as her. Well, I got that wrong big time.

The last time I saw her that mad was when I replaced her favourite broom with a vacuum cleaner. At first I was to be placed in a large cauldron and boiled alive but, that meant I would be dead and she would no longer be able to make my life a misery.

Therefore, I was thrown into the dungeon naked. I was deprived of light and often had a board and weight placed upon my chest. I got three pieces of bread a day and a cup of water for months and months and months and months.

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[Scully Cat, if you had said you owned brewery as well, I would already be swimming across the Atlantic.[/

No I act unbelievably stupid if that is a word with the bottle. I go places I don't want, act like I want, and gosh people don't want to deal with me to much. I get a good case of stupid, not really worth it so I took up other obsessions like chrome. My nick name is chromeaholic. Spent the cost of my bike in chrome when Mark pissed me off. I told Mark if he were dipped in chrome he would be a very happy man, ah he did not like that. Not so good.

Skully Cat

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Cat,

Chrome is nice, and it cleans well.... always sparkles too.........AND........ it beats clothes shopping all to smithereens........lasts longer too.... :lol:

Sparky,

Don't you know, you NEVER change something of a woman's without asking first?

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quote name='Higgy' date='Nov 1 2006, 11:11 AM' post='49808'] Cat,

Chrome is nice, and it cleans well.... always sparkles too.........AND........ it beats clothes shopping all to smithereens........lasts longer too.... :lol:

Sparky,

Don't you know, you NEVER change something of a woman's without asking first?

Higgy

Would that be rule 10 or 13?

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Gil, it all gets confusing and if I'm not careful I'll end up like this chap:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do,

and I gotta do what she tells me to.

On the plus side:

St Peter only let 10% of the women in as he felt that any more and it would become Hell. :D

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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:lol: :lol: :lol: ..Nice one Sparky :)

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

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Never Upset a Woman..........

A farmers wife came home just in time to catch her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then cranked it down so tight he almost fainted, then she removed the handle.

The farmer frantically pulled and tugged but could not free his smashed member.

Then she picked up an old, rusty carpenter's saw.

The frightened husband screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

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OMG, that was too funny :D

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:P :P :P

An oldie but a goodie

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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:P :P :P

An oldie but a goodie

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What did you expect from someone that is both old and good.

A fate worse than death is to be married alive.

Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it!

Never argue with a woman when she's tired or rested.

Thieves demand your money or your life...women want both.

If you want your wife to listen, talk to another woman.

The best way to drive your wife crazy is to smile in your sleep

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