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A young fella was strolling down a street in San Fransisco when he tripped over an old oil lamp. Picking it up, he quickly hid it inside his jacket, realising it's potential worth. Heading swiftly towards the nearest antiques shop, the lamp rubbed against his shirt. Suddenly - POOF - a genie popped out from his pocket.

Now the Genie looked extremely angry and said, "Alright, I've had it up to hear with this 3 wish nonsense, and because you stole me away from my favorite HBO show, I'm only giving you one wish!"

Looking surprised, the man said: "Ok, I wish to live in Hawaii, in a large condo near the beach, with millions of dollars and a plethora of gorgeous ladies on call...but I'm afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk: "You're crazy, right? Do you realise just how long that's gonna take? All those pillars and cement??? Sorry bud, it simply can't happen!"

The man sighed, but smiled and said: "Fair enough then. Instead, I want to understand women." The genie replied: "Would you like two lanes or four?"

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Right on, Sparky!!

Even the old master was confused.

"The great question...which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'" -Sigmund Freud

On another note:

"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. " -G.K. Chesterton

"The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate. " O. Henry

Based on that we are both adventurers (rightly considered).

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My better half & I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my Irish Whiskey. :huh:

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A week at the Gym

My wife decided to take an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on, the class was over.

Exercise can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £1000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For Christmas, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing in the local football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess—with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine—which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that #itch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading #itch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &%#@+& barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other #itch), will choose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

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that's the best yet!

what do you call an ugly guy with a blonde??

old and rich...

what do you call a good looking guy with a brunette?

a hostage :lol: :P

(wait a min...... I'm a brunette!!!! <_< )

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(wait a min...... I'm a brunette!!!! <_< )

:lol: :lol: :lol:

It is a fact that Eve was created first and when God was finished He asked Eve what she thought.

"I like it", she said as she looked at her image in a pool of water. "Except for one thing."

"Oh?" Asked God, looking Eve up and down.

"Yes, I'm not sure about this third breast I have."

"Easy fixed", said God as He scooped it off and held it in His hand.

Eve was much happier now with only two breasts and wandered off.

God looked down and wondered what he would do with this extra Boob that he no longer needed.

And so God created Man........

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Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have aboring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive B.....D.

If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

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My darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I want to let you know about a little accident I had with your pick up truck. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. In fact, about 5 seconds after it was over, I felt much better and was back to my happy, smiling self! I didn't see any reason to notify the police or our insurance agency.

I was coming home from Spar, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake!

The garage door is slightly bent but your 4x4, fortunately, came to a halt when it bumped into your car. Lucky for you, your motorcycle was spared.

I am really sorry, darling. But with your kind-hearted, giving, loving personality I'm positive you will forgive me. Remember how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. Enclosed is a picture of my little "accident." Have a safe trip home.

Oh yes, before I forget...

Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.

XoXoX

darlinghusband.jpg

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The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS : Are you wearing that?

SAFER : Wow, you sure look good in brown!

SAFEST : WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE : Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS : What are you so worked up about?

SAFER : Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST : Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE : Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS : Should you be eating that?

SAFER : You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST : Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE : Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS : What did you DO all day?

SAFER : I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST : I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE : Here, have some more wine.

:P

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Ally, where did you get that picture of my garage? :lol:

I actually laughed out loud at those. I was going to show them to my wife, but she couldn't get the kitchen sink through the door.

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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since none of them have boyfriends or husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Ally

I couldn't help but notice that two of the vehicles are registered in Arkansas. I'll bet the girlfriend was the wife's sister. Thats kinda how it goes in that part of the country. :ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from South Africa. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

;) ;) :ph34r:

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Ally, the Hormone Hostage reminded of this one:

A study conducted by UCLA's Dept of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and attractive features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

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The third man married a girl from South Africa...... but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

;) ;) :ph34r:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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We're special because.....

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11 We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

:P

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

&nb sp;

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket , and I'll hold the chickens."

:ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

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A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the

counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his

identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and

realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he

seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home

and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"

as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his

experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should

have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for

disability, too."

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You guys are cracking me up :P :P

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A very elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says: "You."

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, and car club activities??? and restoring cars, bowling, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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