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Famous quotes

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE:

One day last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don’t feel like it, you have forgotten our wedding aniversary I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear..."You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take a duvet day off of work to spend time with her. We went out for a nice lunch and then went shopping at several big, big unnamed shops. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think that's it, let’s go to the till." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, I don’t feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" I slept on my own that night, but whats new......

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These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the :blink::ph34r:

most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . . :ph34r::blink:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-

Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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Defined By Gender THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

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Some great men's thoughts about women

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

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One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his member.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do and my birthday is coming up you better surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard of him since.

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:blink:

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his member.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[/quote

:blink::blink: You know Sparky~~~~she sure has that right!!!!! ;) I would hope you never did this to your wife or we would never hear from you again, I'm sure!! heeheehee

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Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

A week later the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter--after all, he was driving a luxury car.

"I just passed my wife," he told them, "and she was on a skateboard."

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A gentleman passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates to find two doors with signs on them.

One door said "Stand here all men who did what their wives told them to."

The other door said "Stand here all men whose wives did what they were told."

The line of people at the first door was enormous and the gentleman promptly joined it.

He looked into the distance at the other door to see a lone figure standing in front of it.

"Hang on a sec", he thought. "I know that man.....Hey Fred...FRED!....what you doing over there?"

The lone figure turned and shrugged and in a far away voice said......."Dunno the Mrs. told me to stand here"

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous :lol:

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman :blink:

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison :P

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran :o

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Anonymous :blink:

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Bumper Stickers For Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

--Bill

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A woman is breaking up with her fiance. She tells him "I can't marry you. My feelings for you have changed."

The man says "OK--I want my ring back."

The woman says, "I can't give it back to you. My feelings for the ring haven't changed".

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and

were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need

his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would! find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The little girl approached the little boy and said,

"Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

"Sure!" replied Stevie. "What do you want me to do?"

The little girl said, "I want you to communicate."

Stevie replied, "That's a big word! I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked, "Perfect! You can be the husband."

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - B..ch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

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Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.Woman

Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower

concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal

fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

a) Surface usually covered with painted film.

B) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

c) Melts if given special treatment.

d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.

B) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in

alcohol to a certain point.

e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

B) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

B) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

B) Illegal to possess more than one.

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

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An office manager was leaving the office at 6pm when she found the general manager standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.

"Listen," said the general manager, "this is important, and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the office manager. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the general manager as her paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need the one copy."

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What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats. :P :P :P

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny men in little fur coats. B) B) B)

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Why Men Have Dogs

This may be why lots of men have dogs and not wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

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MEN'S GUIDE TO SELECTING THEIR CLOTHES

We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys will pretty much wear anything, anytime, with anything. This creates the false impression that guys just "throw" any old thing on. This however is not the case. As this handy little guide points out, getting dressed is a highly complex and organized ritual for men.

post-813-1175810630_thumb.jpg

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Cat, I have that chart on my bedroom wall.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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If you take a dog in and feed it, it will remain loyal to you and never turn on you. This is the principle difference between a man and a dog" - Mark Twain

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptapble for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.'

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying, Lady make note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.

Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.

Men have feelings too (but who really cares)

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. - Lazarus Long

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger

Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

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