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Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and she walked across the bridge.

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All Joking Aside....

One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.

Today, at 70, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.

An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!

And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

Her libido's stronger.

Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

________________________________________

“If the Lord made anything better than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

________________________________________

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

:ph34r::ph34r::ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

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A dinner conversation that went wrong....

HUSBAND: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

WIFE: "Definitely not!"

HUSBAND: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

WIFE: "Of course I do."

HUSBAND: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?

WIFE: "Okay, I'd get married again.

HUSBAND: "You would? (with a hurtful look on his face)."

WIFE: (makes audible groan).

HUSBAND: "Would you sleep with him in our bed?"

WIFE: "Where else would we sleep?"

HUSBAND: "Would you replace my pictures with his?

WIFE: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

HUSBAND: "Would he use my golf clubs?"

WIFE: "No, he's left-handed."

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I was riding to work yesterday when I

observed a female driver, who cut right

in front of a pickup truck, causing the

driver to drive onto the shoulder to

avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough

that he hung his arm out his window and

gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to

myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave

in a sheepish manner whenever a female

does anything to me in traffic, and here's

why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to

work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is

bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on

an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for

32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile,

or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is

not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass

at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something

like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in

28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe

their love life as dissatisfying or

unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of

Health, 22% of all females have seriously

considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association,

5% of all females carry weapons and this

number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I

drive past at least one female that has a

lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest

problem, has seriously considered suicide

or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

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post-1294-1176207716.jpgpost-1294-1176207776.jpgpost-1294-1176207624.jpgpost-1294-1176207670.jpgpost-1294-1176207831.jpgpost-1294-1176207288.jpgpost-1294-1176207150.jpg

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Those were so on target. Especially what "he heard" :

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Guest bearlover

:lol:

Those were so on target. Especially what "he heard" :

:lol: :lol: ;) So true!

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A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and

said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Ain't that the truth!!!!

Hehehehehehehehe...............

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Bumper Stickers For Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

25. I BELIEVE IN DRAGONS, GOOD MEN AND OTHER FANTASY CREATURES. B) ;)

Lizzie :)

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Why do so many women wear tops with writing on them and then complain about people staring at their chests?

They wanted to attract attention to something. Even better are the ones that wear pants/shorts with some slogan across the rear.

I have learned to "defuse" this situation by simply asking "Can I read what you've got on your top?"

Most women will then throw their sholders back to allow the writing to be readily seen. I'm a slow reader.

My son thinks I'm either daft or a dirty old man. The truth is that it's a little of both. :angry::ph34r:

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Why do so many women wear tops with writing on them and then complain about people staring at their chests?

They wanted to attract attention to something. Even better are the ones that wear pants/shorts with some slogan across the rear.

I have learned to "defuse" this situation by simply asking "Can I read what you've got on your top?"

Most women will then throw their sholders back to allow the writing to be readily seen. I'm a slow reader.

My son thinks I'm either daft or a dirty old man. The truth is that it's a little of both. :ph34r::ph34r:

You and I were brought up in a time when a "gentleman" didnt' stare at a women's......er, assets. Quick look - sure. Glance - of course - but stare... never. The writing really isn't there for us old guys to read Gil. It's there for the ones their age that they are trying to catch. :lol: We get caught reading too slow, and we get that "dirty old man" look that you were talking about. :P

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I have learned to "defuse" this situation by simply asking "Can I read what you've got on your top?"

Most women will then throw their sholders back to allow the writing to be readily seen. I'm a slow reader.

My son thinks I'm either daft or a dirty old man. The truth is that it's a little of both. :blink::ph34r:

Jim

I think you missed the point. What I do allows these younger (mostly) ladies to display their assets to the world with no qualms. They are just pampering this harmless older man. :ph34r::ph34r:

My late wife understood this completely and thought it was "cute". In a few cases the "subject" actually thanked me for showing an interest in whatever slogan they were wearing across their chests. Most people don't wear something that has nothing to do with their own thoughts, whether it's "Save the Whales" or a set of cross-hairs with a terrorist in the middle.

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EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

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Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Test match.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women

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Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive,

double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was

complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I

hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am

automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me

last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay

for themselves! "Helllooo? (I told him) It's been a year."

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just

hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about

forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

:P

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Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

:P

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There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these species slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.

"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

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The female demerit system...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy by doing something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+9) But return with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8,000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4,000)

:D :P

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Hehehehehe...those were good! :D

I suppose the simple things in life need a simple demerit system? :unsure:

Especially if they have to understand it. :rolleyes:

Lizzie :)

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A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'

Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'

'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'

'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'

'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

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What is the difference between mother & wife? One woman brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you continue to do so!

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