Jump to content
Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
LauraG

Dating

Is or was (deference to the married people here) dating more difficult now than before your amputation?  

51 members have voted

  1. 1. Is or was (deference to the married people here) dating more difficult now than before your amputation?

    • Dating still exists??
      10
    • Much more difficult
      13
    • A bit more difficult
      5
    • No difference
      14
    • Easier
      3


Recommended Posts

I haven't seen this asked here before and it will give us all a chance to share our experiences, tactics and ultimately funny stories about trying to relate to someone romantically. I'll tell mine if you tell yours. ;)

Sound off...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As you all know I've been an amputee my whole life and I must say when I was between the ages of 13 to 15 I thought that I would have to marry someone like myself. I never had any boys interested in me other then friendships until I was 16. I had a relationship for 4 years and we both were to young to make commitments to each other so we went our seperate ways. I then met and within a year married my now ex husband who really never thought much about my leg but never really excepted it either. I am now married to the first guy that I talked about we finally grew up and realized what we had way back then was something special but now it's even more special because we know what we have. We are each others soul mates You just have to believe in yourself that there is someone out there for you and you'll find that person trust me if I can anyone can.

Brenda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've found dating to be actually a little easier now that I'm an amputee. I'm more comfortable with my body....as if the things I was worried about before have become so unimportant. I'm relaxed in my own skin, and I think that helps project a sense of confidence & ease. My only advice (& I learned this the hard way) is be up front about your disability. Honesty is a good starting point, and if the person decides they can't handle it, then you are better off without them.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I too have been an amputee all my life so didn't really know what it should be like without the amputation. I honestly never really had any problems. The kind of guys who took exception to the leg I wasn't interested in anyway. I had a lot of good friends who were guys and some turned into boyfriends. I met my husband through mutual friends 8 years ago. The only awkward time was one of our earlier 'dates' when we were swimming in a pool at a party. He wasn't sure how to react to me but I think because I didn't try cover it up he could see I wasn't sensitive about it and we had a frank discussion about how it happened and how it has affected my life. After that everything was plain sailing!

One slightly funny story: Years ago I met a guy at a nightclub who only had one thing on his mind until he asked why I was limping. He didn't believe me so I got him to feel the prosthesis. He was so amazed all amorous thoughts went out the window and he just wanted to chat about my leg he found it really interesting! :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, so far it's a tie!! We all seem to be pretty evenly split as far as the poll options are concerned, as we have one vote for each one.

I can't really say I've dated all that much. I got married at 18, lost my leg at 19, got divorced at 20 and I wasn't exactly a social maven for a few years after that, so I've really only been going out for three or so years, but I can't say it's been a disaster or a complete success so far. I've had two fairly stable relationships out of maybe 20 dates. The other 18 or so didn't last past the first date, sometimes by my choice, sometimes not and my limb loss was a factor in a few of those occasions I got unceremoniously dumped. :ph34r:

All things considered, I'd say dating is much more difficult now. Not too many people look past the whole leg thing, and of those who do, some turn out to be creepy guys looking for a cheap thrill.

Elissa C said dating's been easier for her now. I seem to be a little too insecure for that. Maybe I've gone overboard with the whole "getting back my vanity" thing? ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, I have no business answering in this posting but just had to add that maybe it would be a good indicator of the creeps vs. the good guys. I was not an amputee when I met my husband, but had a deformed/bad leg, some other assorted health problems, including uncertainty about fertility, and he accepted all of that. He has been super support because he does "get it", understands that I am so much more than my physical body. I would think it would be *harder* to date as an amputee, but then again, it will weed out the guys who DONT "get it" quicker! Dont give up, know that those guys are out there, guys who will understand and respect you for all you have been through. All of my husbands FOUR brothers are "good guys", who would be able to look past the fact that his woman happened to have one leg. (sorry girls, they are all taken at this point!) Dont give up!!!

Judy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If things start getting hot and heavy with the person I'm dating I usually ask if they've seen the movie Bruse Biggalo Male Jiggallow. I aski if they thaught the seane with the fake leg was funny, then ask if it would be funny if it happened to them.

Of course If I meet somebody at work or skiing it's kinda moot point beacuse then it's fairly oviouse I'm missing a leg.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo

I saw that one. I couldn't help think that the money I paid for the movie tickets could have been better wasted on extra bank fees, or something. <_<

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am going to have the library loan me the movie for free. This way I will know what you all are talking about.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I completely agree, Laura! What a waste of money. Although, the woman with Tourette's was pretty funny (is that PC?).

Elissa... PC sucks. B) ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, they asked about dating and we ended up talking about some wast of money movie, interestinf how this stuff goes!

Any way. . . I was 8 when I lost my leg, but I have always been up front about it. I have found that guys are very accepting and, on occasions, facinated with my leg! I allow them to get to know me a little and then. . . well here is an example:

There was a guy on one of my college classes who wanted to get to know me, so I asked him to go to a matinee movie. I drive with my left foot, so after I had driven for a few minutes, I asked if he thought it was strange I was driving with the wrong leg. Of course he just smiled. I told him and let him know that it was ok if he had questions. He thought it was the coolest thing in the world!

Point is, it makes you different, different is good! At least they will remember who you are.

Nicole

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the time that I lost my leg I was dateing a girl, we had been out a couple of times and all was fine.

After I lost my leg in a bike accident she disapeared like a puff of smoke, and she has never spoken to me since, even to the point of crossing over the road to avoid me.

That was two years ago and I am still on my own. :(

I find that most of the girls that I meet are fine until they find out that I only have one leg, and then its ok to be friends but thats it.

I am just like Nicole, I drive with my left leg.

Pat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
"Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo," a Rob Schneider movie from a couple of years ago.

I got the movie 'Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo' from the library and watched it. It was very funny in parts, and a bit much in other parts. Would definitely not have paid money at the movie theatre to see it. This is the kind of movie that you would watch late at night on TV when there is nothing better on. I especially enjoyed the AKA character Kate. Thought she and her part were cute, and stole the whole show. It was nice to see this type of character written into and casted for what turned out to be a funny love story about a dorky guy falling in love with an amputee. I think it was worth seeing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Did Joey from friends not go out with an amputee at one point?

Hehe. That's right. Actually, both Joey and Chandler went out with the same woman. Joey threw her prosthesis into the fireplace and some time later Chandler met her, liked her, found out about her missing leg, which she was totally nonchalant about, which threw him into a pretty big dilemma figuring out if he wanted to keep going out with her until she dumped him for "being a freak with a third nipple".

While I was watching that episode I thought the show could've avoided having Chandler consider if he should dump a woman he liked a lot because she was an amputee, but I totally cracked up when the situation reversed on him. I say that episode got a pretty clear and positive message across. :lol:

Now if they'd only hired a real amputee for that role... <_<

...and on another note, did you know the guy who plays Chandler is technically an amputee, as he's missing a bit of a finger?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

heh I remember that one. I think they cast Sherilyn Fenn cos of her role in Boxing Helena... now that a weird film :unsure:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Friends Season 3 Episode 14 The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner

Phoebe's former singing partner (Leslie) performs at Central Perk and asks Phoebe if they can get back together. They eventually do, but soon have problems when Leslie sells "Smelly Cat" to a kitty litter company. Chandler meets a woman (Ginger) in the men's room and asks her out; coincidentally, Joey used to date her-- until an unfortunate incident occurred, involving her artificial leg. Chandler gets over the fact that she has an artificial leg, but when Ginger learns he has a third nipple, she dumps him. Ross continues to struggle with Rachel's career and her involvement with Mark. Chandler has his third nipple removed. More About this Friends Episode

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yup. You gotta love the irony in the little role reversal. I can think of a couple of guys I wish had had third nipples or the like so I could have applied the lesson learned there. ;)

It turned out to be a pretty great little 'Friends' episode, that one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HELLO EVERYONE ;) I'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS POST ON DATING TO SEE HOW OTHERS DEAL WITH THE WHOLE THING. SINCE I AM RECENTLY A RBK AND ALSO RECENTLY DIVORCED THE DATING WORLD IS A DOUBLE THREAT. I'M NOT READY TO DATE YET, STILL UNSURE OF MYSELF, BUT I CAN SEE THIS BEING SOMETHING OF A PROBLEM. BEING A WOMEN I WOULD THINK IT MIGHT BE DIFFERANT THEN A MAN. :huh: I'M CONCERNED HOW MEN WILL REACT WHEN WITH MY NEW BODY. THE PEOPLE I KNOW ARE ALL SUPPORTIVE AND SAY THE USAUL STUFF LIKE " IT WON'T MATTER, IT THE PERSON INSIDE THAT COUNTS---BLAH-BLAH :( SO SOMEONE,ANYONE TELL ME HOW IT'S BEEN FOR YOU. REMEMBER, I'VE BEEN MARRIED ALL MY ADULT LIFE, 27 YEARS, THERE'S ANOTHER PROBLEM GETTING BACK OUT THERE :rolleyes:

THAN YOU ALL CATHIE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, Cathie. I've been an amputee for 8 years and am now in my early 30's, single & dating. The most difficult part is working out how you feel about your body, post-amputation. It took me a long time but I'm finally in the right head space...there is no more shame nor embarrassment. You will be surprised by the level of acceptance out there. But I think you want more specifics, so here goes....

When to tell someone?

I prefer being upfront and I usually say something if not before the first date, then on it. My absolute preference is to meet someone through friends, and that way they'll usually know about me beforehand.

What to say?

Usually there is a moment in the conversation where an opening occurs, and you feel ready....just take a deep breath, and say something like "You should know about my [leg]. I was [in an accident], and ....".

What kind of response will you get?

I have never had a bad experience telling someone about my leg amputation. Never. There have been 2 people who just never pursued anything further with me, but that's perfectly okay. Most people are genuinely compassionate, understanding, & curious.

Once you get beyond this point and the person is still interested, it's easy. Don't worry! You'll be fine. Let me know if you have any specific questions. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cathie:

I can totally relate to your situation. I too was married for a time, 20 years, and now am out there again except with only one leg! I'm not worried about things. I trust that the plan for me will happen as it is supposed to. There are times when I would like to have a special someone to talk to or be waiting when I come home after a long, frustrating day. I guess at this point in time this site fills in for that need. And I am very grateful for that. Take care and remember to laugh at least once a day!!

Carol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ever so slightly different angle to this post but still relevant i think,

I met my now husband at the age of 18, 24 years ago. I was out with my parents in a pub and Paul arrived with his sister and her then boyfriend. I did not notice that he had a deformed hand and that his arm was paralysed, he was able to carry drinks from the bar, roll cigarrettes without any problem. To be honest i thought he had just hurt his hand.

The next time we met was on a proper date where there was only the two of us. He explained to me that he had been born with the deformity and the only time he had any problem was at infant school were the small children were scared of the look of his hand ( his fingers are very fat and not as developed as they should be with thick finger nails that do not cover properly) He did not let this get to him, he will tell you that the only thing he cannot do is climb trees and he doesn`t want to do that anyway. I reckon he could if he really wanted to.

Anyway, at first i sort of became very defensive if anybody commented on his hand. If we were in a crowded pub i would always go to the bar to help or ask someone to help him, that is until i realised he would ask for help if he felt he needed it

Then just for a little while i did wonder if i could cope with the situation, i found i would tell people about his hand before they had a chance to meet him, sort of pre-empting what i thought would be embarrasing situations.

I soon realised that it didn`t matter what other people thought of him, what i thought was what counted and to me it didn`t matter.

I think that a lot of the time a person is more concerned about what other people will think about their respective partners ( for want of a better word) disability/ or as in my case deformity, and if i am honest i did feel this way for a while, until i really got to know Paul for who he is. As the saying goes beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is only skin deep, what is underneath is most important and i have learnt that lesson.

We have now been married for nearly 16 yrs and i wouldn`t change him for the world ( until the next time he comes home from the pub after one too many) then i would willingly give him away lol!! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×