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LauraG

Dating

Is or was (deference to the married people here) dating more difficult now than before your amputation?  

51 members have voted

  1. 1. Is or was (deference to the married people here) dating more difficult now than before your amputation?

    • Dating still exists??
      10
    • Much more difficult
      13
    • A bit more difficult
      5
    • No difference
      14
    • Easier
      3


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I met my husband at a party, at the time I wore a full leg caliper (as my bones would not heal after a motorbike accident). He already knew what had happened to me as our parents were aquaintances. We started dating, I never thought it would last, he has been to hell and back with me. We have had some very hard times, I even threw my crutches at him once, through sheer frustration.

Everyone was really suprised when we were expecting our first baby as no-one thought I would be able to get through pregnancy but I have two fantastice boys, in their 20's now.

I often think I would have been better off having my leg amputated when the accident happened, but then my whole life would have taken a different path, and I have had a happy life (sometimes very painful), but would not change anything.

What I am trying to say is never give up, there is someone out there for all of us, our lives are mapped out from the day we are born, what will happen will happen.

Pam

Cheshire, UK.

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I lost my leg when I was 14. From 14 to 18 years old, I didn't date at all. Then, I started dating and I found that my articial leg was really not a problem. I'm now living with someone and I'm very happy.

My advice is the following: Don't wait too long before talking about your accident. I usually wait until the second date to talk about my accident. It only happened to me once that the guy walked away after I told him about my accident.

Also, tell your date that you live a normal life and give some examples. Some men get scared. It doesn't mean that they don't love you.

Don't complain too much (I know it's not always easy). A man will be more interested in you if he admires your courage and your personality.

Last but not least, one of the only good things about being an amputee is that men who are only interested in physical appearance won't talk to us. And, that's a good thing. We can actually get to meet men who are deeper and can make us happy!

Gwen :)

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Great advice Gwen, and that is true for either gender. Confidence, self esteem, good communication skills and maturity are the key to attract success, and meeting the right person. Thank you.

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HI

I dont think I am even wanting to write on this post, because I picked something along the lines of dating still exists, it was the other one that tied with this one, but I have heard so many times that theres a guy out there for you and I am like ok...but my leg doesnt bother me, and I wear shorts all the time to school and I think every guy knows there is something wrong, but I havent been on a date and I think I am too young to actually know what love is, because all I hear and see at school is PDA and breakups, so I dont see where in my case, and age that I could know what love is, I know I am pretty, because GOD made me special. So if a guy likes me, someday he will sweep me off my feet, sometimes I get so overwhelmed and forget to think about whats really important to me, believing and trusting in yourself and knowing who you are and how much you have to offer this world is everything, for all people who havent dated and dont want to, I dont blame you, but if you get the chance, then have a great time. At my age that is what every girl is doing, going out on dates and ending up saying things they dont mean. I am not sure I guess I have mixed emotions on what is love really?

Lesley

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Since I was born without my leg, I can't really comment on dating "before amputation". I'm married, and have been with my husband for 12 years. I "dated" before that, and I can think of a few cases where my leg (or lack thereof) was a factor in ending a relationship or a preventing one getting started. It's always been a relief in some ways that I could never aspire to looking perfect; I've had to make do with my sense of humour :P , shared interests, and conversation. They worked well enough ;) (and I'll say no more, being a respectable married woman after all).

I agree with Gwen - an amputation is an effective way of filtering out people who are only interested in appearances. I've always been open about it. Success or failure at dating is more about how comfortable you feel about yourself than purely physical appearance. No one has a perfect body, at any age. While the "perfect body" may be good for attracting attention initially, it's not enough to sustain a relationship. Being an amputee is part of the package with me, not the whole story. I made sure it was discussed early on where necessary, but I never focussed on it - in the same way that I didn't spend too much time apologising for my freckles.

-K

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Peeeople whho are juddgeing an aoother ppersoon bbecccuase they mauyy being differennt are rerally twats i thhiinking. What is the differeennce bbewtweenn a pperson who hhas evverytthhiing and oone who may bbe lissing a small parrt anywayyy ? I meanning , the hheart is thhere , the mindd is thhttere , the feliiignns and emotiions are there so whatts the prtobblem ?

Lesely , yess , in all resppeectnessiing , you arre a teeny weeny biit yhoungnes stiill to really understtanddding whhat truue love is al, aboout annd thatb iis the bbeuuatyy fo bbeing soo younng .... you gettting to learnning. Whhat is truueness love ? It si bbeiing wiiht the ppersoon you bellong to bbe with and hwenn your aprt , you feelingness this mega voidness inn your hhaert and hhavviing to ruush bacck to be wiith your lovness person .

Itt tokked me yyears to findediing my trrue lovve andn i wantediing tomspennd evveeryy secoond of eveverry dauy with her . I wishhiing theere was morerrer hhours inn aday becuase 24 iis noit ennough . Lovve is alll abboout makiing eachhoother hhapyness and not bbeeeing afraidness to shariing sadness felliings too . Its abbout being hionenenst with youur opartner . All this takkiingness of thee perfectt boody . We ccann'ted bbbeiing soo suppreficiical that we are soo fiocuussed onn only one parrt of what we arre . Loove iis aboout the WHOLE pperson , the compltee pperson , a evveerythiing pperson .

jjust my opinniioon ...

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I had just turned 13 when I lost my leg to cancer, so had no pre-amputation dating experience. Unfortunately for me, my parents had always made a fuss about how pretty I was, but nothing else! Never heard I was smart or funny or clever....in fact it was implied that I didn't have to be any of those things because I had been "blessed with good looks"! So you can imagine how I felt after my amputation.....like I had nothing!!! I was totally convinced that if I didn't hide my disability, no one would accept me. I can't tell you what a mistake that was! I'd make up stories about "my bad knee" because I thought if people knew the truth I would be rejected, and I found that possibility terrifying. I continued the charade well into my 20's..... I'd date guys for a certain amount of time or until a situation came up where he'd have to learn THE TRUTH and then end the relationship. Eventually, I began seeing a therapist because I was having panic attacks, probably due to all the feeling I had been repressing for so many years. I remember my first breakthrough was during a group therapy meeting with 6 other patients..... I told my REAL story and not one person rejected me. I was so amazed. Sad, isn't it, that I had built up such a wall? After that, I began trying to be more honest, and had my heart broken/ego bruised by a few guys who were only into looks and very shallow. I told myself I was better off without them, and believed it for the first time. When I met my husband (at a club) we danced and talked and laughed all night like we had known each other forever. He walked me out to my car and I found myself telling him all about my leg right then. I said that I felt such a connection with him that if he didn't feel the same, I wanted to end it right then, before I got hurt. Obviously, he didn't have a problem with my leg and was equally taken with me. blush blush. So we have been married for 11 years now and have two sweet, smart, clever, beautiful daughters!!! In retrospect, my advice would be to tell the man/woman you are interested in at the first opportunity, and not make a big deal about it. I had made it into such a large issue in my head, I was certain no one could deal with it. There are probably quite a few guys who would have continued to date me had I been honest. They deserved that opportunity. But, hey, I have no regrets because eventually I did meet my guy! :-)

Karen :-)

AKA - Orlando, FL

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Bbeeauuty ......... zackktickkly what iis bbeauuty anywaay ????????????? is iit that we still thiinkiing nessiing of bbeutty as only a phgyyssical thhingie ? Whhat abbout the rrestesttness oof the pperson ? The miiind , the hearrt , the sooul ... all theese mmake the ppersoonn bbeauutifull too bbut some epeoples seeeming to foccusneessing onn ioonly thebphyysyscal stuffs . GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Beffoore i was injurreded , i must sayyiing that my besttest lokiing ffeeatturreds was my legs . Yaa , i really thinkkked in haddded realy nice legs but that was thenn and thiis is now i guessing . I hadded to goiing throough really yuuky tiimes and dided some harmiing stuffs onnly to learniing that theere was , id mmorerer to me than jjust a phssyycal mj . I lookking baccckness at thhat tiimes and wonnderrriing hoow i couldded haveiing sonne thhat stuff but liike mmany otherrrs , i wasnn'tiing abbleness to seeing pasttest my oown nose to seiing that tthtere was moorerer ytto liife than just one ppart .

I hhoping i don't makkiing to many peolle maddness att me here bbut , siince thhis is the gurl I amm now , i am havvviing a choiceness too either live it oout an dbbeiing hapy ( thhats what i wanntttediing to doinng ) or i ccan be a bitchy witch gurl and spennd all dayy complaiinning abbooout why me and ohh poor lil me ... NNNNOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT . lookiing at it thiis way . Now , yyour parrtnner ccan spennddding morerer time gooiingover all the placces you hhav emorerer . No , I'mm nnot tryyiing to beiing funnny , i'mm tryiing to sayiing that thheere is soooooooo mmuch morer to liffe than just physsical stuffs focusiingness. A yyear aggo i was a realy mixxeded uuppiing guurl foor soo mannay reasssons and i dididnn't understtsandiing it wwhhy . I doonnn't knowing whhat or whhy it hhappenenendded but i guessediing i cryyedd out or caledded oout and it was annswerreded and i couuldnn''t beiing happyiier gurl morerer iif i triied harrder . I hhavviing the besttest ggurl in the worlld now with mme an dshe lovves me , all of mme and dooessnne't carreiing that one or two ppparts arer sort of nno tthtere . The herrat and sooul and felings and emmotiions arre thtere as is our loove foor eeeachother ... inn othther woorrdds , we ARE totaliingly abbsolutlly copmpllttete .

Iff freeiinds oor tohher peooeple are juddegebnesing you bbeccucase you arer diferennt ing thann they are and thhey doon't liikeiing what yyour about , i thinnkiing they are annd nevveer really werre yyour freiinds to sttartting with . Friiends are freiinds when goodness tiime and inn badnes times . You knowiing soomething ????????? I wooondderriing , jjust who is the one that is ( sheeesh , i hhhateness labels bbut i havvviing to usiing oone hhere for a sec ) dis-abblled .... at lleastestly mentally anywaay .

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I would definitely find dating more difficult now that I only have one leg. I'd find it harder to run from my fiancee when she found out ;)

Mj I think there's more than one kind of physical beauty. There's the one which most young girls try to aspire to which is a sort of averaging of features. The problem with averages is that you get something thats a bit dull. Average the height of the waves in the sea and you get flat sea, not very interesting. Then there's the physical beauty that you only see when you're attracted to a person. Its a very primitive instinct and it's the thing that draws you to that person, to make the initial contact that you otherwise wouldn't make to any other stranger. It's probably sexual attraction but it's programmed into all of us and none of us are immune to it. The rest of what you say develops over time as you get to know each other.

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I can't imagine what dating will be like. Getting the wheelchair in the car. Guys think we take too long to get ready. Wait until you meet a girl who has to strap on her leg. They say if you fall off a man to get back on and keep riding. Oops, that was a bicycle. I'm blushing!

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They say if you fall off a man to get back on and keep riding. Oops, that was a bicycle. I'm blushing!

:o :o :lol: :lol: :lol:

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I have to say that I've pretty much given up when it comes to finding someone. I just don't think it's going to happen at this age. I'm very comfortable with who I am and the whole leg thing, but I don't think there are many guys in their 40's looking for a woman with one leg. (they don't know what they're missing) It seems to me there are a whole lot more women in that age group running around looking for men. I think I've gotten to the point where it is just easier to live my life as it is and not expect or hope that anything more will happen, at least in the love department.

Caroln

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sorry cant put any input with this question!

i am with a partner 10 years this October and my amputaion was nr 4 years ago

but i will read this! as in the back in my mind i do wonder if i did split? whould it be more harder? or easyer?

i surpose i would say harder as you get older? just a guess

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You having to beeliving in YOURSELF . I knowingn i'mm still young gurl and al that but i did learrning one or twwo tthiings and one was to knowwing that if i wa sbelivving in myesellf , i CAN maakiing things hapeneing . EVERYONNE IS BEAUTUIFULL no mater what is missing or not misssing . beeauty come from INSIDE . For whateever it's worrth , I was waaaay depressed fro a along time too and i was gettingnlotts of helpiing to deaalaiing with own stuffs but one tthing that was alwassy reeienforceded to me is that : " ... it's alimb that i losst ... not my wantting to livving life to the fullest " .

Givving ipijng ????????? NO WAy bbecuase by givvin guppping , it''s likke sayiin gyour gioving iupinng on LIVING an dLIFE . Givingn upiing is easssy , but the onlly opnes who succssedding are the one wiliingn to takaing the bigest cchnacces . Theere is rirssk in eveerytthing and the bigger the rrisk , the bigger the rewarrds too .

Actualy , i wwould saayiing tha tthe mosst importantt thing to beeinn g is to beeing YOURSELF and to beeing confiddeent aboutt yourserlf too.

NO GIVING UPPING ..........

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When it comes to dating.... its what you put out there... if you are down and not comfortable with yourself... no one eles will be either. You will come across the odd superficial person, but life goes on. I have been an blk amp since I was 18... now 27 at first I to thought " great one more curve ball to be tossed into the dating pool" but shortly after just got over it, realized if you don't like what you see move on!!! And once I got that attitude dates started pouring in, been in a few long term relationships... now have found the one and getting married.

Now a friend of mine is a double blk amp as well as lost all of her fingers in an accident when she was 18..... now some guys are turned off when they see her hands.... but that just wiens out the guys you wouldn't want to be with any way!!!! She has no problem dating outside of that.

It all comes back to how you carry yourself... be positive!!!!!

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I have to say that I've pretty much given up when it comes to finding someone. I just don't think it's going to happen at this age. I'm very comfortable with who I am and the whole leg thing, but I don't think there are many guys in their 40's looking for a woman with one leg. (they don't know what they're missing) It seems to me there are a whole lot more women in that age group running around looking for men. I think I've gotten to the point where it is just easier to live my life as it is and not expect or hope that anything more will happen, at least in the love department.

I'm going to stick my foot in a potentially slamming door here, but...

Not that it's supposed to be a woman's #1 goal in life to "get a man", but I think you're painting a bleaker picture than necessary. I'd say the 40's is the age group where men finally figure out it's better to date a smart woman than a model (or model want-to-be) with scarsely any experience to make for an interesting conversation.

I'm not much of a dater, to be honest, and yes, it has a lot to do with my amputation, even more so because I don't wear a prosthesis, but I've managed to have a couple of meaningful relationships where my lack of a leg wound up having very little importance.

In conclusion, while it's up to each person to figure out what they want in their lives and how to look or be found by it, it's never a good idea to shut the door and throw away the key. There's still a few good surprises out there to be seen.

:)

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I'm curious. In several threads I've seen mention that beauty is in the eye of the beholder or similiar statements. Did you always feel this way or did your perception change after becoming an amputee? Once I receive my artificial limb it will not be obvoius that I am an amputee but right now I can't see the possibility of anyone being attracted to me.

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I'm probably not the best person to ask about dating (with or without legs) as I'm usually too shy to ask women out (they usually have to do the asking :)) I guess the best thing to do is just get out there and enjoy life and if somebody comes along then all well and good and if not then you'll have still had a damned good time. Get out and amaze people that you can still have a laugh and a good time despite everything and you start to find that people talk to you and they don't skirt around the issue of your limb loss because they realise it's no big thing to you (don't let on if it is though or you'll blow it ;)). After that you just become a "normal" person again.

Marcus, it's more fun superglueing the quarter (or a £2 coin in the UK) in a pub doorway :)

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I have been an amputee my whole life and I think growing up that “way” has allowed me to forget that I have a disability most of the time. I think that mindset has promoted those around me to forget as well. I never had a problem dating. I lived in a rather small town my whole life and I do think is a contributor to me “forgetting” about my disability. I do believe that the manner in which we represent ourselves has a lot to do with how we are judged by others. I am open for discussion about my leg, I try to make everyone aware of that. My first serious boyfriend loved me for me just as my husband does now.

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One of my aunts recounted a story to me where she was courting (thats what the old uns call it) in her early 20s so we are talking about 40 years ago.

They were sitting in a cafe having a drink on their first outing when her date said "here I want to show you something". He then proceeded to encourage her hand towards his knee/thigh area. Before the hand reached its intended destination fearing his impure motives she slapped his face and jumped to her feet.

Even now I giggle at the thought of her embarrassment when he told her of his prosthesis. Needless to say he did not become my uncle.

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OK, nowthat's the kind of guy I'm looking for!!! I didn't mean everything to sound so bleak and dismal. I know that I have a lot to offer and am a fantastic person.

I enjoy my life as it is and just am not spending time looking for a significant other. If it happens, it happens. I am not saying never because usually when I do, God laughs and my life goes in an entirely different direction!!

Caroln

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after my accident my ex wife & I divorced, but not because of it. I have been out with a few women after getting over that. I have to say in my experiences I find the women I have had relationships with to be very good in accepting & understanding me as an amputee, it does not seem to have been a problem. and yes I agree about being up front about being an amputee. One girl I went out with actually hid the fact she had partial dentures for months as she was highly embarrased about it, and there was me hopping about on one leg !!!!!!

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I wasn't sure where to put this but thought this may be the best place. As some of you are aware, I became an amputee in 2003 and was on this site on a very frequent basis. Due to a busy life and lack of time, I am not on this site as regularly. Anyway, I just wanted to share that I am engaged and will be getting married in July. I met a wonderful guy on match.com who could care less about my leg, or lack there of. Yes, there are people out there that look at the inside, they just don't seem to be in the majority.

I was married for 20 years and then divorced for one before I had my amputation, so "getting out there" was not easy. I mainly went online just to see if I could meet someone to go to hockey games and do fun stuff with. Life sure has a funny way of working out.

Take care everyone.

caroln

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CONGRATULATIONS......you never know what can happen in life?!!!

I had a partial amputation on my right foot when I was 16. I never had problems with meeting guys. They always excepted it. As most know on here from my threads....I have had problems due to pain in my foot ( stump ) and was single for 3 years. I was really looking for anyone as I was thinking who would want me in my situation...having pain, thinking I need to have a revision surgery (BK) not working....but last fall I met a guy and he turned out to be an amazing guy!! I am so grateful that God sent him to me. He has been there every step of the way.

I wish you all the best Caroln!!!

Mary

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