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Sparky

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

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Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two." "How's you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "Hello! Is there anyone here?!" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here."

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

You MUST read them out loud

1) That's not right ................................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP....................................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Small Horse ........................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

5) Did you go to the beach? ...................... Wai Yu So Tan

6) I think you need a face lift .................... Chin Tu Fat

7) It's very dark in here ............................Wai So Dim

8) I thought you were on a diet ..................Wai Yu Mun Ching?

9) This is a tow away zone .........................No Pah King

10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao?

11) Staying out of sight ..............................Lei Ying Lo

12) He's cleaning his automobile ..................Wa Shing Ka

13) Your body odor is offensive ....................Yu Stin Ki Pu

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shah! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.

Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god", said the bar tender,

"Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

ok so theres a blonde and she is sick of people calling her dumb so she cuts her hair dyes it and buys a new convertable. So she is driving down the road and she runs into a sheep herder herding his sheep. Then the blonde says iv got a proposition for you if i can guess how many sheep there are can i have one and the herder goes ok. So the blonde sits there for a while and then she goes 365 and the herder says WOW thats excatly right so the blonde gets out and puts a sheep in her car then the herder goes ok now i have a proposition for you. The blonde goes ok then the herder says if i can guess the real colour of your hair can i have my dog back.

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:lol: ....thanks Sparky that's an awesome way to start my day.

A guy gets home late from work one night to find a message on his answering machine from a guy wanting a call back. He gets himself settled and rings the number. A small child answers the phone and in a whisper says, "hello?"

"Oh, hi", says the man, "Is your dad home?"

"Yes" says the child whipsering into the phone

"May I speak to him?"

"He's busy" the child whispers again

"Well is there another adult I can talk to?"

"My Mummy is here" the child whispers again."But she is busy with Daddy."

"Oh......ummmmmm.....ok.......well is there anyone else?"

"My big sister is here." the child whispers again. "But she is busy with Mummy and Daddy too. The Police and the Fire Brigade are here too."

"What??" Said the man, "What are they all doing??????"

With a small giggle the child whispers. "They are looking for me."

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Sparky

You win the prize. This is the best I could come up with.

The following 15 police comments were taken from actual Dallas Police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD, Public Relations Officer:

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? "

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair?......You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!"

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through the records department. "

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And....................THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!

#1. "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?

Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."

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A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the

counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?

"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto

and says, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the

Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?

"The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"

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Not really a joke, but definately humorous. I don't have any kids yet, but I was guilty of at least a few of the following infractions as a child :)

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

--Bill

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Bill, #12 reminded me of an absolutely TRUE story.....

My first "real" job out of school was as an ER admitting clerk at a local hospital. We weren't a big hospital or a major trauma center... our ER cases were usually pretty dull.

One night, I heard the ER bell ring and went to answer the door. A young man (20-something) was standing there with his right hand contorted into a bizarre and unnatural position... and a dripping nozzle poking out one side.

"I Super-Glued my hand," he admitted, blushing a bit. "The tube broke and I'm all stuck together. I'm afraid to try and pull it apart."

I took him inside, sat him down, and started to fill out forms. He told me he'd been trying to assemble a small bookcase and thought the glue would make it more stable... but then he squeezed too hard, the tube split open, and there he was... stuck.

I asked him if he could sign the admission form left-handed and he said he'd try. I handed him the form and a pen on a clipboard... he tried to steady it with his glued-shut right hand, and that's when we realized that the glue had oozed again and he was now stuck to the arm of the admitting office chair!

I called back to the nurses' station and explained what was going on. "You're either going to have to fix him here in Admitting, or else you'll need to take the chair back with him," I said... they opted for the former.

Nurse, Aide, and Doctor arrived armed with a cart full of solvents and a list of HazMat phone numbers. Eventually we contacted someone who could tell us that SuperGlue could be dissovled with acetone... plain old nail polish remover!

We got our young fellow cleaned up, CAREFULLY disposed of the tube of glue, and sent him on his way. I've kept a bottle of acetone next to my SuperGlue ever since.

So it's NOT "forever"... it just FEELS like it when you're stuck!

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Bill, #12 reminded me of an absolutely TRUE story.....

My first "real" job out of school was as an ER admitting clerk at a local hospital. We weren't a big hospital or a major trauma center... our ER cases were usually pretty dull.

One night, I heard the ER bell ring and went to answer the door. A young man (20-something) was standing there with his right hand contorted into a bizarre and unnatural position... and a dripping nozzle poking out one side.

"I Super-Glued my hand," he admitted, blushing a bit. "The tube broke and I'm all stuck together. I'm afraid to try and pull it apart."

I took him inside, sat him down, and started to fill out forms. He told me he'd been trying to assemble a small bookcase and thought the glue would make it more stable... but then he squeezed too hard, the tube split open, and there he was... stuck.

I asked him if he could sign the admission form left-handed and he said he'd try. I handed him the form and a pen on a clipboard... he tried to steady it with his glued-shut right hand, and that's when we realized that the glue had oozed again and he was now stuck to the arm of the admitting office chair!

I called back to the nurses' station and explained what was going on. "You're either going to have to fix him here in Admitting, or else you'll need to take the chair back with him," I said... they opted for the former.

Nurse, Aide, and Doctor arrived armed with a cart full of solvents and a list of HazMat phone numbers. Eventually we contacted someone who could tell us that SuperGlue could be dissovled with acetone... plain old nail polish remover!

We got our young fellow cleaned up, CAREFULLY disposed of the tube of glue, and sent him on his way. I've kept a bottle of acetone next to my SuperGlue ever since.

So it's NOT "forever"... it just FEELS like it when you're stuck!

Cherylm:

JUST HAVE TO ASK ............................HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT WITHOUT LAUGHING..............OR DID YOU LAUGH???????????? I know I would have just had to howl (you know when in church, something funny happens) and you are not supposed to laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: sorry I think I mispelled your name on another post.

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The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

-Bill :P

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Love it, Bill!

Ann, it was a real test of my admitting-clerk training! It had been drummed into me that, when dealing with a patient, you kept to the business at hand. If the patient was bloody or severely injured, or disoriented, you did not allow your personal feelings to stop you from taking care of them. You dealt with "the situation" first, and THEN you thought about it.

All of that had been aimed at dealing with unpleasant things -- cuts, fractures, oozing sores, etc.... but the training "kicked in" with our SuperGlue victim. I managed to hold my response to wry smiles and sympathy until he was cleaned up and on his way -- as did the medical staff -- and THEN we told sick jokes about what ELSE could have been Super-Glued for the rest of the shift!

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This retired doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.

After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.

After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.

He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.

Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".

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The Sign

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!

Turn Yourself Around Now

Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

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:lol: :lol:

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Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.

"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

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True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

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This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket." :angry::blink::ph34r:

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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One sunny afternoon, two blondes were walking through the woods. While they were on the trail, they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Hey look, deer tracks!" The other blonde said, "Those aren't deer tracks, they're bear tracks." While they were arguing over whether they were bear or deer tracks, they got hit by a train.

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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied,

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a Blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she

had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State ;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked,

"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

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