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A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

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A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*************************************** ***********

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the

chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this

time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you

can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

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I went to the Bar the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

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Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail , and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end , and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see "Closed for the winter." :P

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly , " the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened . I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. :angry::angry:

A blonde was driving home after a game , and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees , and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target , and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk t o ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that ?" he asked .

"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!" :blush::blush:

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A man owned a small ranch in California. The California Wage & Hour Dept.

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out

to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded

the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook

has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room

and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day

and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per

week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon

every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

post-1850-1175191019_thumb.jpg

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FALL CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, August 28, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, September 4, 2007

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?< B>

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and

Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturda y 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.< FONT face=Arial color=black size=2>

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours begi nning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 We eks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.!

Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesday at 7:00 PM, loca tion to be determined.

Cla ss 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

< B>Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours! Be ginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstratio n.

Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.!

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat,

and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!

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Bubba had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their

practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he

had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical

insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete

medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,

Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an

electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for

the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,

shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

--Bill

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Uncle Bob

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you

from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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Guest bearlover

A little boy was leaving his Granmothes's house with the cookies she had given him...On the way home the little boy opens the window and throws one away..Why did you do that asked his mother? Well grandma said one for me and one for the road! :P :lol: :lol: :lol:

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One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

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A little girl asks her mom why she has gray hair. She says: Well, everytime you upset me, a gray hair comes in. After some though about it, the girl says : Well mom you must have been a real pain in the ass, because ALL grandma's hairs are gray!

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An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

-Bill

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "prosthetic leg."

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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiiiing."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? One writes the action plan, all the others arrange a symposium called "Coping with darkness."

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I've seen this story a few times and although everyone says it's true it isn't.......but gee it's still funny :P

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy

aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities

off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio

conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on

10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to

avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the

North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15

degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND

LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE

ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS

SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES

NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR

COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on granddad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Ummm... What's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbor.

"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

--Bill

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Hyena tree was a sign saying there was a gnu restaurant at the zoo. I called the gorilla my dreams, the one I have strong felines for, and invited heron her sister to gopher lunch.

The restaurant was on the other side of town so we got into macaw to go there. The traffic was light so the driving was not aardvark and before we newt we were there.

After we arrived and were seated, the waiter turned tortoise and said, "We have a new cuckoo can prepare anything. Just tell us what you want. I replied, "Rhino what I want. Iguana have a hot dog with mastodon it."

Then the gorilla my dreams toad me, "Ewe must be kitten me. Vulture up to? If you want a hot dog, alpaca picnic lunch for you. This is a nice restaurant and you should otter something else."

Amoeba dense but I am not hard of herring and I can take a hint. I decided to do the rat thing. I assumed the waiter was not telling lice about the cook, and although I haddock before, I ordered the same thing as the gorilla my dreams. I did it on porpoise. After all, I thought, toucan order the same dish.

I would be lion if I said the lunch was a turtle success. The food was good but I was in the doghouse for my behavior. Actually it is only a myna problem. Next week I am going to salmon up my courage to take another tern at dining out.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in

Washington, D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third from Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,

$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then

says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew

and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to

the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says,

"You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back,

"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,

and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

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Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip

to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,

who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave

her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest

and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked

his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

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Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.”

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