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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
Sparky

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

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:lol: haha! I love that!

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Guest bearlover

A little boy in the class room I assist in 1st grade had his shoes on the wrong feet. I said "Jack your shoes are on the wrong feet" looking at me confused he said " But Mrs. E these are MY FEET! :lol: :lol: :P

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Guest bearlover
My daughter and I ate Chinese for supper. My fortune cookie said this, "When both feet are planted firmly, nothing can shake you".

:o :lol: :blink:

hahaha :) :) I often say put your best foot forward..In my situation it wuld be

"Put your real foot forward" :lol:

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My daughter and I ate Chinese for supper. My fortune cookie said this, "When both feet are planted firmly, nothing can shake you".

:o :lol: :blink:

hahaha :) :) I often say put your best foot forward..In my situation it wuld be

"Put your real foot forward" :lol:

What do you mean "real" one? Both of my feet are real......it's just that one is kinda rubbery. :lol: :lol:

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A woman rings her local newspaper and says, ‘I want to place an obituary for my late husband’ the receptionist asks what words she would like in the obituary. The woman thinks for a while and replies ‘Fred Smith’s dead, funeral Monday’

Receptionist then replies, That’s fine Mrs smith but the cost of the obituary allows up to twelve words, would you not like to include more words?

The woman pauses then replies, OK ‘Fred Smith’s dead funeral Monday – Ford escort for sale’

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I've missed you, Sparky......! :lol:

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When I was little I got a peanut stuck up my nose I was taken off to the doctor and he poured chocolate in the ear!

It came out a treat :D

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Jokes.com is great!

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

:)

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Cute ones, Shelby! :lol:

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Guest bearlover

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

And - Baa Baa Black Sheep....

After teaching Nursery School for many years :) I would say they have the same tune! After awhile they all sound alike! :P

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The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,

"Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,

"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

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:huh::blink: <_< Sparky, Sparky, Sparky.........

:lol: :lol:

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Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was

squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just

recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to

telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it

and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back

of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at

his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she

said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till

noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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The following letters are supposed to be actual correpondance between a London hotel and a guest....

---------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.

They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today for which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future problems please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.

Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

---------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me four little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them: the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ....Sparky we are sitting here WETTING ourselves that was excellent hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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Hope this doesn't offend anyone...I'm stealing it from my boyfriend's Climbing magazine:

A pirate goes into a bar. The boat's steering wheel is attached to the crotch of the pirate's pants...The bartender looks curiously at the pirate and asks him if he realizes that his steering apparatus is attached to his pants.

"Arrrgh!!...The pirate replies..."It's driving me nuts".

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:lol: :lol: :D :P

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:lol: :lol: That's why sailors keep a firm grip on their tillers.

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Three guys ascend to heaven on Christmas Eve where they are met by St. Peter. "In honor of the season", St. Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks him.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks.

"They're Carol's!"

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''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

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