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Ally

Rules of Life to Seriously Consider...

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Rules of Life to Seriously Consider

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

(This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,

and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why

we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think

she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status

or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are above average drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

:)

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so so true

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They are wonderful. :D :D :D

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Very good :D

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Had a gun held to my head while I "volunteered" to do the dishes.

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Rules of Life to Seriously Consider

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

36. Your (real) friends love you anyway.

:)

These are my favorite. How true. Thank you Ally, I have already captured them for my email list.

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  1. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.
  2. The trouble with life is there's no background music
  3. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

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Having A Rough Day?

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already.

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Thanks, Sparky... I'm having that day right NOW.

Currently holding under two Orbitz.com "TLC customer service agents" and one Delta Airlines ticketing rep.

Wish me luck! :blink:

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1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry... Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time... What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... What was I thinking

14. Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your husband

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My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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Guest bearlover
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A great post! I have read this several times and it is oh so true Thannks for posting! :)

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My mother experienced #34

She does ultrasound and called 2 women back to the room and they both appeared to be pregant. Only one of them was there for a scan. My mom said 'So which one of you is getting the ultrasound today' The one woman replied 'I had my baby 4 weeks ago, thank you very much'

She said the rest of the scan was sooo awkward.

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