Jump to content
Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
Gil Davis

No Pun Intended

Recommended Posts

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He di d a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

very clever, loved those, thanks chuck xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They are all terrible.....I love them :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brilliant - thanks for those.

Sue

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The baseball was my absolute favourite :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks for that!

Hehehehehehehehe..........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
They are all terrible.....I love them :lol:

DITTO!! ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Now you've got me started .....

a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

b. A backward poet writes inverse.

c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

aa. Every calendar's days are numbered.

ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot...................................I'm so sorry :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aghhhh...you should be ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot...................................I'm so sorry :blink:

Aaahhh, Cat

Now you're getting with it. :blink::blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This has to stop :P

Did you hear that they've brought out a portable stereo which looks like a big chocolate cake?

It's called a gateaux blaster

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some years ago, a Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow when it began to precipitate. The man said to his wife, oh dear, it's raining. She said, no Rudolph, it's snowing. He again insisted that it was rain and she was just as insistent that it was snow. After an exasperating few minutes of debate, he said, enough of this, Nastasha. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:lol: :lol: :P :D

A man walks into a hardware store and asks if they have a tool for breaking up some hard ground. The shop assistant points to a row of suitable tools along the wall and replies: "Certainly sir, take your pick."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot...................................I'm so sorry :rolleyes:

That must make you either Fidel Catstro or

Nikitty Khruschev

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot...................................I'm so sorry :rolleyes:

That must make you either Fidel Catstro or

Nikitty Khruschev

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Useful Metric Conversions...

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

* 10 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 10 millipedes = 1 centipede

* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

* 2 monograms = 1 diagram

* 2 wharves = 1 paradox

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gil, you could lose the will to live after reading this one :D

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:blink::blink::huh: .....Who started this????????? I demand you reveal yourself for punishment!!!!!! :P

A chess competition was being held in a hotel and various contestants were in the open-air lobby discussing their victories of the day. After about an hour of this, manager of the hotel came into the lobby and asked them all to leave.

"But why?" they cried.

"Because," the manager explained, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
:blink::blink::huh: .....Who started this????????? I demand you reveal yourself for punishment!!!!!! :P

Mea Culpa I think I've been punished enough by having to read Sparky's stuff to get to here.

Subject: WRITING ASSINGMENT

Kids are asked to write about the sea..

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly

age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't

have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an a__hole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with

crabs.(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross

the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would

whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off.

eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny

tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always

screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister

has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels

can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think

they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes

my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two

divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age

8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she

was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired

right up her fat a__. (Jule age 7)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since I seem to have killed almost as many threads as Sparky, this should provide the coup de grace to this one.

a.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

b.. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

c.. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

d.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

e.. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

f.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

g.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes!

h.. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

i.. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

j.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

l.. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

m.. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

n.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

o.. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

q.. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

r.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

s.. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

t.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

u.. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

v.. Every calendar's days are numbered.

w.. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

X.. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

y.. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Z.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×