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Questions about Australia

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These questions (from all over the world) about Australia were posted on an Australian Toursim Website

and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. Amusing especially the

Vienna Boys' Choir one.

1.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,

so how do the plants grow?

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them

die.

2.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to

contact for a stuffed porpoise.

A: Let's not touch this one.

6.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a

list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?

A: What did your last slave die of?

7.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does

not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings

Cross. Come naked.

8.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia?

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and

we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

1 1.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?

A: No, WE don't stink.

12.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you

tell me where I can sell it in Australia?

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?

A: You are a British politician, right?

14.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is

smaller than the male population?

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?

A: Only at Christmas time.

16.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia?

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is

illegal.

18.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum.

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make

good pets.

19.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its

name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum

trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare

them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I

dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go?

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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It sounds like Cat answered those questions... :D

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Something wrong with those answers? :rolleyes:

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Something wrong with those answers? :ph34r:

....spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Is that the Aussie version of Eau de Toilette?

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Something wrong with those answers? :rolleyes:

....spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Is that the Aussie version of Eau de Toilette?

Only for British and American tourists, Australians use Foster's taken internally.

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Something wrong with those answers? :rolleyes:

....spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Is that the Aussie version of Eau de Toilette?

Only for British and American tourists, Australians use Foster's taken internally.

Blah :ph34r:

You think we drink that stuff? We put it in cans and send it over to overseas to everyone else and keep the good stuff here :lol:

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And we take the cans and decorate our back-bars with them. I've had a number of Australian beers. One of my favorites is VB, fourex is Ok.

I notice that a German brewer took top prizes this year in Melbourne. I've never had their beer, but I do like DoppelSpaten. Right this minute, I'm working on a nice Guinness Draught.

I must admit I've never had P--s beer, or Weak P--s for that matter, so I can't comment on that particular brand.

We have a local micro-brewery (Sierra Nevada) that does a number of styles of beer. I've found that I prefer the darker beers (in my old age).

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Most people here drink VB Gil.......XXXX is made in Queensland and we think it's called that cos they can't spell beer :lol: I tried some of the American beers while I was there and they were ok. The Cali wines were nice but a little sweet for my taste. But hey, after the second or third who cares anyway? :P

I don't drink a lot of beer, I stick to the Red Wine, but an occasional Guiness is really nice.

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In Ireland, Guinness is not a beer. It is a religion. I love the nitrogen widgets in the bottles. Maybe we should move Guinness into the religion discussion in the General Forum...

Then again, maybe not.

BTW, Gil, when I drink beer (once every 2 years or so) I like the dark brews too.

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Well, I'm not much of a beer gal, but I do occasionally ("occasionally" like Maryl, I mean) enjoy a dark beer with pizza.

I did, however, once work for a company that had a tradition to mark the mid-point of the work week:

"Beer and Donuts Wednesday!"

It was part of my duties, as secretary to the vice-president, to stop on the way to the office each Wednesday and procure a beer suitcase and two dozen assorted donuts, to be put out for the staff.

Noooo.... no-one actually had the beer and the donuts together! The accepted "routine" was A.M.: donuts / P.M.: beer... although I'm sure some of us occasionally considered reversing that!

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Most people here drink VB Gil.......XXXX is made in Queensland and we think it's called that cos they can't spell beer :lol: I tried some of the American beers while I was there and they were ok. The Cali wines were nice but a little sweet for my taste. But hey, after the second or third who cares anyway? :P

I don't drink a lot of beer, I stick to the Red Wine, but an occasional Guiness is really nice.

OK, Cat

Now just what kind of "Red Wine" do you prefer? I have a connection with the local winery and would consider it an honor and privilege to ship you a couple of bottles of something red that you would like.

That is if Australian laws will permit.

And please don't tell me "Bojolly". I can get almost anything up to and including Port.

The ball is now in your court. :P :P :P

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Basic Guide To Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total B.....D". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a B.....D".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

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1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The bigger the hat the more corks you can hang off it

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

If it's obscene they like you even more.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

Fresh bread, a dollop of dead horse and a half cooked mystery bag mmmmmm

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

Or an accountant, nurse, houswife, your best mate..........etc etc

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

mmmmm yum... good old dead horse..yum (refer to number 3)

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

No thief would dare.....imagine a 1000 people running after you about to flick you on the bum with a wet towel??

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

I can think of 100 things to do with a milk crate

8. All our best heroes are losers.

Try and act better than the rest of us ....................I dare ya :lol:

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

The he sits on the esky and hands out the beer and all the girls ignore him

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

Thank God for seat covers......when I was a kid we used to burn the backs of our legs in the back seat

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

I bought a pair of thongs in the States last year......still haven't worked out if they are thongs or flip flops......spose it doesnt matter

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total B.....D". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a B.....D".

Something wrong with that? :blink:

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

Sorry mate what was the question?

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

Damn things will carry you off.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

Fencing wire is hard to bend so pantyhose are a must to have in the boot. I once had a pantyhose fan belt that got me home

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

True but if they also have a cricket pitch they will never be friendless

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

Refer to number8

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

*Hic*......what?

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

I have a mate who brings light beer and next day that's all there is left in the fridge :blink: Every bloody time :unsure: ..Refer to number 12 :rolleyes:

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

Deepends on the sleeping arrangements

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

Blanket, esky, chairs, umbrella, sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, rolls, salads, chicken, beef, butter, knives, forks, spoons, extra blanket, extra esky for the kids drinks, esky with the cold food in it, spare clothes in case of emergency, hats, cricket gear (summer), footy gear (winter), jackets in case the wind turns.....all necessary equipment.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

Why have a backyard if you're not going to use it?....the front yard is for decoration only.besides the bbq is in the back yard

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

Refer to number 12

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

Don't forget we need to fit the ice in as well.....and the spare esky is for the food anyway....and that way you can take more grog

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