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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
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A Guy's Rules

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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

-Bill B)

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

-Bill B)

Bill

You are obviously either single (or about to be). I must agree with the color statement. I once heard "mauve" in a conversation between two women and innocently asked who "Mauve" was.

That lost me a ton of brownie points. :lol: :lol:

I'm a bit different, I used to love going shopping with my wife. She would fuss endlessly over just which shade of whatever to buy, while I was happily going mad in the discount section.

I can relate to the rule about remembering comments. One lady could remember "goof-ups" from the last century, but couldn't remember "nice things" for over 30 seconds. :angry::angry:

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What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!

What a Man Hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah,C'MON

blah,blah,blah,blah,YOU AND I

blah,blah,blah,blah,ON THE FLOOR

blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES

blah,blah,blah,blah,RIGHT NOW!

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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,

"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because

I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better

lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is

doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster,

and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards

too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling,

as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the

airbag!"

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1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

-Bill B)

You are a brave man Mr. Bill. I will only subscribe to the one above -(How do you think I've made it 48 years). People talking and watching a show at the same time is my pet peeve. If others want to talk, then I tun off the TV - and talk. If they want to watch a show, and have something to say, then that is why they have commercials. Otherwise, I want to hear what the people in the show are saying - that is why I am watching it. :P :lol: :rolleyes:

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When women hold off from marrying men, it's called

independence. When men hold off from marrying women,

it's called fear of commitment.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris,

the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing

terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,

Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice,

that after all these years that you have been married, you

keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I

forgot her name three years ago."

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Guest bearlover

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

-Bill B)

You are a brave man Mr. Bill. I will only subscribe to the one above -(How do you think I've made it 48 years). People talking and watching a show at the same time is my pet peeve. If others want to talk, then I tun off the TV - and talk. If they want to watch a show, and have something to say, then that is why they have commercials. Otherwise, I want to hear what the people in the show are saying - that is why I am watching it. :P :lol: :rolleyes:

True Jim...What is more annoying is a person on a cell phone at a movie :o or when your out to dinner, and they talk very loud on the cell phone..Turn it off please! :angry::huh:

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When women hold off from marrying men, it's called

independence. When men hold off from marrying women,

it's called fear of commitment.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris,

the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing

terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,

Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice,

that after all these years that you have been married, you

keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I

forgot her name three years ago."

Just read your latest....I really believe you have a death wish!!! ;)

No, just kidding, I love jokes.

:D ann

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Bill

i think if i had this a year ago it might have saved my marriage!

I have emailed it to all the men i know to help them fight the good fight and a few women i know but are just polite to just to annoy them!

nelly :blink:

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A guy, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise

and proceeded to have the time of his life,

that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,

only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day

when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from?

How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.

I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said.

"You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.

"I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches,

I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.

"On the south side of the island,

a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.

I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,

it melted into ductile iron.

I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.

"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.

How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement,

the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave?

There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge

are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,

strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,

something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly

and tears start to form in his eyes.........

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

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