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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
ebtalley

how do I deal with this???

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A little about me: so Im still a very new amputee, I am mostly confined to a bed while various injuries heal. I have not been fit for the initial prosthetic and might or might not have one for a while because my right leg is non weight bearing while my knee heals (and heals and heals...)

So more to the point is that I think I have lost a relationship with a woman that had met me in the hospital, at first she was very supportive and interested but I guess as she realizes that this isnt something you get and walk away from after surgery is said and done the interest has waned. I wouldnt say I am completely devastated, Ive had plenty of practice with this, but with my leg gone I feel like the whole dating game has changed. Has it changed much for all of you?

Here I am 26 years old right in the middle of finally trying to get settled into a career and possibly a family in the future and now Im thinking that picket fenced home might just contain one person, me.

So im thinking about going the drug route, prozac, to even out the desperation and despondency that creeps into my life now every now and then, but I dont know at what point I should say I need it. Should I have the prescription made out just in case? Ive never been much for drugs before but Ive have a bit of a love affair lately with pain now and am open to meds to possibly help me deal with everything going on emotionally (like my mother living with me for the next 2 months).

Sorry for the length of the post,

Eric

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Eric,

I think that we all deal with those thoughts to some extent after our amputations. Me, I've been married so many years, that counting doesn't matter. I still went through some of the same image issues that you did after my accident. I think that part of it is only natural. Not only did I have the amputation to deal with, but all of the other injuries that have left their effects. If your not sure about the drugs, what about asking your doctor to set it up for you to talk with someone. A therapist, or physcologist maybe? Then, if you find that you are truly depressed, you can start down the pharmacological road, if you need to.

You will go on to live your life once you are up and about. It's just a matter of giving yourself the time to heal that you need. It took me months, just to get out of the hospital, and then months and months of physical therapy. But, I have regained a tremendous amount of my life back. I'm also back on the motorcycle, although, I am back seating behind hubby right now. But, that's ok..

BTW.. do you know, your amputation was 5 years to the day after mine. Also, my birthday is September.. what a strange coincidence. I'm a LBK too..

As for Mom, well, your on your own there, I'm afraid....Although, for a while, you might be glad to have her there, you'll just have to let her know when she is smothering you... Those that love us tend to do that.

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A little about me: so Im still a very new amputee, I am mostly confined to a bed while various injuries heal. I have not been fit for the initial prosthetic and might or might not have one for a while because my right leg is non weight bearing while my knee heals (and heals and heals...)

So more to the point is that I think I have lost a relationship with a woman that had met me in the hospital, at first she was very supportive and interested but I guess as she realizes that this isnt something you get and walk away from after surgery is said and done the interest has waned. I wouldnt say I am completely devastated, Ive had plenty of practice with this, but with my leg gone I feel like the whole dating game has changed. Has it changed much for all of you?

Here I am 26 years old right in the middle of finally trying to get settled into a career and possibly a family in the future and now Im thinking that picket fenced home might just contain one person, me.

So im thinking about going the drug route, prozac, to even out the desperation and despondency that creeps into my life now every now and then, but I dont know at what point I should say I need it. Should I have the prescription made out just in case? Ive never been much for drugs before but Ive have a bit of a love affair lately with pain now and am open to meds to possibly help me deal with everything going on emotionally (like my mother living with me for the next 2 months).

Sorry for the length of the post,

Eric

Eric,

I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time. You are such a new amputee that there are all sorts of things for you to deal with. I lost my husband of 43 years 4 months before I lost my leg. I am 63 years old and thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I met an incredible man on Eharmony- I put it in my profile that I was an amputee but I was terrified the first time we were really together if he could deal with it. He asked me why I thought it would bother him. He is blind in one eye and basically asked me what the difference was. I am sure you will find someone who loves you for you and not because you have or don't have part of your left leg.

I would talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. I took one after my amputation. Since I have met Bob they are no longer necessary. Let your mom spoil you a little - it won't hurt.

Good luck and kep your chin up.

JudyH

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This is a hard one, and something that we all faced in the beginning. "Body Image" is a huge problem for most of us in the beginning.

You are young, probably good looking (where's a pic hun ;) ), and this is all so very new to you. I reckon that if you only dip into depression every now and then, try to see it through. Don't keep drugs for "just in case". By all means, go to a GP if you find yourself in a dark hole that you can't get out of, but if you're not sure.......bide your time through your recovery. You're probably stronger than you think you are.

It's unfortunate that you have experienced what you perceive to be rejection because of your disability so early on. If people haven't got the stamina to see you through the bad times, do you really want them in your life, physically challenged or not?

Anyway, this time of your life is dedicated to YOU and YOUR recovery. Not what someone else can do for you. It's a challenging time, no doubt, but (and this is my mantra)....if you believe anything at this point in your life, then believe that you will get through it. All of us on this forum have, and trust me, we're not special, or strong.....we're normal individuals who just take what life throws at us, and get on with it. You can do it too. I believe that you can.

Love and strength to you over the cyber air-waves,

Ally

xxxxx

PS : The mother thing....like Higgy said, good luck. I had that too. Drove me dilly, but God love her, I was blessed to have her when I needed her most.

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...if you believe anything at this point in your life, then believe that you will get through it. All of us on this forum have, and trust me, we're not special, or strong.....we're normal individuals who just take what life throws at us, and get on with it. You can do it too. I believe that you can.

couldn't have put that any better babe. ;)

my councellor (LAK) told me that her leg was here sh-t deterrent, and i've found it to be very true for me.

I had major issues with self image and have only just put them to rest 2 and a half years on.

The trick is to not look back, just keep on heading forwards and you'll be ok, maybe not tomorrow, but the next day, or the next. :)

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It is still such very early days for you so it is not surprising that you are having a hard time. I do not think that going down the drug route at the moment in case you might need it is a good idea but there may come a point when it is a realistic option so don't dismiss it entirely.

With regard to relationships when you find the right person your leg won;t matter a bit - as well as my amputation I have a deformity of the rest of my left leg but it didn't stop my wonderful (and handsome) hubby falling in love with me and we have been together 19 years now.

The people on this forum are great and right now the best thing you can do is visit often; at least you know that everybody here does understand and you can vent as much as you need to.

Best wishes.

Sue

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I was so tired of dating before I had the accident and the whole rollercoaster of emotions tied to that game. Now the idea of mixing self image and worth along with everything else made me buggy last night. but its always the same, just keep trooping on and focus on what makes me happy (like my mother going home :) but she has done alot for me)

image gallery this gallery is me for those who wonder what my shell looks like

thanks

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Here I am 26 years old right in the middle of finally trying to get settled into a career and possibly a family in the future and now Im thinking that picket fenced home might just contain one person, me.

So im thinking about going the drug route, prozac, to even out the desperation and despondency that creeps into my life now every now and then, but I dont know at what point I should say I need it. Should I have the prescription made out just in case? Ive never been much for drugs before but Ive have a bit of a love affair lately with pain now and am open to meds to possibly help me deal with everything going on emotionally (like my mother living with me for the next 2 months).

Sorry for the length of the post,

Eric

Hi Eric,

Like others have said this is very early days for you, so guess you are likely to be feeling quite fragile, but please don't let this recent experience with someone you have met in the hospital cloud the way you are feeling about the future. Things will get better as time goes on, I was not quite a teenager when I lost both legs and now nearly forty years later, I can tell you that there is life after amputation.I myself was in hospital for quite a while, but things do start getting better as time goes on. For me, life has gone on to be pretty normal, I did date, have married and do have children.

And, speaking as a mother (sorry, but two of my children are around your age), I would be saying forget the drugs unless you medically need them, also would be suggesting that those who can't deal with your situation are not really worth worrying about. At this point in time you will need all your energies to concentrate on building yourself up at the moment and not been dragged down by someone else who is unable to deal with the situation. Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt, but that is what I would be saying to my own children.

And, speaking as a mum again, my two eldest have both had to return home at various times, they wouldn't have normally chose to but they needed to in the short term, I am sure they hated it, I know at the same age I would have, but its not going to be forever, mums can be helpful even if its only to make the odd cup of tea.

I hope things go well for you, keep reading the postings on this forum, I think you will find it, generally, quite positive reading.

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Hiya, i agree with all that the others have put , When i become amp i had chemo and all things going on, and i couldnt ever see meself getting up on my leg but it does happen time is good for you it will happen like hazel says keep looking forward ,you are still the same inside with or without the leg, keep plodding :P good luck

paul

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Hi Eric. One question comes to my mind: If your lady's "interest in you waned", before your amputation - then, what would you have blamed it on?

Non-amputees lose women/men all the time . And conversely, amputees find partners and get married all of the time also. Just read the posts on this forum.

You have lost a leg. Probably 10% of your body - at the most. What about the other 90%? Isn't it worth something?

I told my grandsons once that their manhood was in there head - between their ears, not their legs, and in their heart - between their shoulders. I doubt seriously that yours was in your foot/leg. The right person will find it where it is, with or without a leg. Oh - the other thing? That just makes you a male - not a man.

And for the drug use. I'll stay out of that one. I gave up on mind-altering drugs, (alcohol) years ago, and never want to go back. God didn't give me the best brain in the world, and I need all of it in clear shape - all of the time, without mind numbing effects. I believe in this so much, that I came home after my amputation and refused to take any narcotic pain medicine, because I didn't want to get addicted. That was the rough way to go, but I'm still clean and sober today, after 27 years.

To each their own. This is my way, and it works for me.

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Lots of good advice here, Eric! I will add on to the "drug" responses here and say that there's a BIG difference between "self-medicating," be it with alcohol, illegal substances, or a prescription medication, and taking advantage of a helpful med while under the care of a medical professional.

If your depression seems to be "settling in" and becoming a major problem in your life, I WOULD recommend talking to a doctor about a low dose of an antidepressant and/or counseling. However, don't assume that feeling "down" at times during your recovery is the same as clinical depression... you're entitled to the occasional "down" day when you've been through so much! Be concerned, though, if it lingers or becomes steadily worse.

Some people are going to distance themselves from you... mainly because of their own preconceptions about what you "can' and "can't" do. They are the losers! The right person will understand that your situation is not YOU... and that for whatever rough times there may be, there will be many more GOOD times. Keep involved and "on the lookout" for that person... you deserve the best!

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Lots of good advice here, Eric! I will add on to the "drug" responses here and say that there's a BIG difference between "self-medicating," be it with alcohol, illegal substances, or a prescription medication, and taking advantage of a helpful med while under the care of a medical professional.

ABSOLUTELY Cherylm. I should have added, that while in the hospital I took whatever they gave me, and was thankful for it. With my addictive personality however, I just didn't want to try it on my own at home. That was then. Today, I do things differently. I let my wife monitor things when necessary. :rolleyes:

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Eric,

Joe has some good advice. Once you're healed and back to doing the things that interest you, people will look past the leg and see Eric. It is hard to visualize a future without your leg, but it is more than possible. I can point out a number of "super-amps" who have done things that most people think impossible for amputees. You're a young, good-looking young man. You will find Ms Right in time. Have confidence in yourself and others will see that.

Find a support group. Those who've been down this road are the best ones to tell you what to expect.

Neal

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I forgot to mention this. Stay away from Joe's Mana unless you have no plans for the weekend. It can, and will, make you loopy.

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Guest bearlover

When We found out that I needed to have my leg amputated due to a birth defect and a bone infection..the Dr. looked right at my husband and asked if is going to divorce me when he takes my leg off. :rolleyes: He was stuned as I was..we were married 8 yeras at the time. of course not he replied its just a leg! why the hell would I leave a wonderful women for that? he said. Well I have to ask the (idiot) Dr. said. We were both stunned as we left the office..If a person really loves a anothe a missing limb will not stop them. That would be a shallow person who does. And not worth it. A amputation or any difference dose NOT identify who you are.

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Eric, I checked your pictures, They were amazing!!! You have been to some beautiful places, haven't you. I read all our friends advices and there is only one thing to say... I lost my mother a month before they took my leg. I could not go to Brazil, to see her one more time, because I was in the hospital...

Try to focus on what you CAN DO NOW, then on what you WANT TO DO LATER. Everything has its time and place. ;)

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Eric

I was surprised to see the progress you had made yesterday when we visited. I see that you are taking charge of your life and treatment. That is a very good thing.

Everyone will have some advice, take as much as fits your plans and life-syle. It's all meant well.

Remember, all therapy is or should be designed to make you better. All that BS about "No pain, no gain"

is just that. When it hurts, stop.

Your mother is a fine lady, although I will say she seems to "hover" a bit much. I think that's normal for a mom to be. You should be thankful she was able to come down to the "lower 48" and stay with you. You will need that help for a while yet.

See ya later

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Guest bearlover
Eric

I was surprised to see the progress you had made yesterday when we visited. I see that you are taking charge of your life and treatment. That is a very good thing.

Everyone will have some advice, take as much as fits your plans and life-syle. It's all meant well.

Remember, all therapy is or should be designed to make you better. All that BS about "No pain, no gain"

is just that. When it hurts, stop.

Your mother is a fine lady, although I will say she seems to "hover" a bit much. I think that's normal for a mom to be. You should be thankful she was able to come down to the "lower 48" and stay with you. You will need that help for a while yet.

See ya later

Such wise words of wisdome...Thanks Gil for all your advice and wisedome..you indeed will be very missed. :(

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Eric, let me just say that if that woman didn't want to be with you because she didn't want to have to deal with the long road to recovery, then she obviously isn't it good enough for you. I don't remember my amputation since I was 2 when it happened so I didn't have to worry about depression because I was just as happy as I could be. I am on effexor now because of stress/depression and it works wonders. I was on Prozac for a long time and that was awsome too but it just stopped working. Someone is going to love me for me and treat me like the princess I am! If they don't because I don't have a foot, then they are not good enough for me!

Hope I helped!

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Hi Eric

My amputation was over a year ago now. If you read some of my past posts you will see that I have been up and down like a rollercoaster. My biggest issue is my body image and how others see me. I have received counselling and cognitive therapy since my accident and I know that this is helping me. I am lucky as I have been with my partner for 15 years so I don't have to worry about dating etc. You may benefit from taking anti depressants and receiving some therapy. My counsellor told me that losing a limb is similiar to grieving and we go through the same process as we have lost a part of us. You will get through this it will just take time.

Lisa

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Eric, I must have missed this thread. Way back when I had my accident there wasn't any support, I was discharged from hospital with a pat on the head and sent on my way. I was covered in fresh burn scars, my legs were twisted and bent and I dragged my right leg. On good days I used to be called Quasimodo on bad days....Well I'll leave that to you to imagine, girls were the worst I've cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion during my teens and early 20's.

The one thing that kept me going, before my accident I knew I was me, after my accident when most of skin had gone and I was just raw flesh and bone, I knew I was still me and after everything had healed and I was covered in scars I knew I was still the same old me underneath it all. The only thing about me that had changed was the packaging. All I had to do was go out and show everyone else who I was. You do have to go out there, you will not find miss right by sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself. A faint heart never won a fair maiden. I eventually found my fair maiden and wouldn't swap her for all the riches in the world.

Having said all that you need to take the time to heal and build your strength back up both mentally and physically. I never really suffered from depression I get angry and upset that just hardens my resolve.

Plus we have the support of everyone on this forum and that is priceless. I am a burns survivor first and I do visit burns related forums, I found this post from a new burns survivor on one of the forums:

I have been looking for other burn victims to meet and be able to talk to on the net. I have been unable to find any. I know I am not alone, but it feels as if I am alone in this world. So please let me know others are out there.

It was posted on Tue Jan 06, 2004 1:16 pm

Site admin posted a business reply (no welcome) on Wed Jan 28, 2004 12:08 am

The next reply was on (still no welcome) Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:02 pm

The next reply was on (still no welcome, just a snide remark) Sun Jan 01, 2006 8:32 am

The last reply was on Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:20 pm from another new member

We are so lucky to have found a place were the members care enough to reply and make you welcome. What I'm trying to say is the support you will get here will go a long way in helping you get back to your old self.

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