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joyjoy

friend uncomfortable??

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:o I am not sure but I think my friend is very uncomfortable to be seen with me when I am wearing shorts my scars show I really don't care much anymore, it has been six months and I do not dress for others anyway. I kinda do though when I go out on the bus with him he likes for me to wear longer pants to cover up my stump. Was wondering if any one else has dealt with this situation, I would like some feed back so I can talk to him about this, he is obviously upset. I have told him that the stares no longer effect me just that I wish I could have a dime for each one.lol thanks -joy

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I had heard about the uneasy feeling of those around us when we bare all. I asked my family how they felt about being seen with me when I'm wearing shorts. They all assured me that it didn't bother them. I don't know what I would have done had they said it bothered them.

I wear shorts whenever the temps exceed 70 and sometimes when it's cooler. I seldom wear slacks during that time. I'm comfortable with who I am and I don't display my leg for sympathy. I know I get some stares, but what the heck. Let 'em look.

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Like Neal, I live pretty much live in shorts.. It's so much easier to deal with my leg when I need to.

Fortunately, my husband is comfortable with the whole thing so that isn't a problem, but if it were, then I guess he would just have to deal with it. I would consider what I was wearing shorts to, I wouldn't wear them if it called for a more professional or formal wear, but as far as just out and about, it's shorts, hands down..

People will look, and stare, but I think it is usually more out of curiosity than anything.. I also don't think they realize how rude they are.. but, I've learned my own ways to deal with it, as has my husband.. He usually gives me a nudge and will say "your being started at" and then he will continue to stare at them until they realize they've been caught staring.. Rest assured, they will always look up, to see if anyone has caught them staring.. If it is me that catches them staring, I will wave and smile, or nod my head depending on the situation.. If it is a child, then I will explain that I got hit by a car, my good leg was hurt really badly, and this is what the doctors made so I can walk ok.. It usually is enough info for a child.

Have you considered having a conversation with your friend? Not necessarily an easy one to have, but one that will be important in the long run.

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I haven't had much experience with dating, but if the person truly loves you, it won't matter. It might be different or strange at first, but they'll get used to it. As for asking you to wear longer pants to cover up, thats not right. Its your stump, so you should be the one deciding what to wear. If you're comfortable in shorts, then good for you! If not, then you will be with time. He should be there to support you in whatever you decide.

Thats just my opinion. Hope I helped :)

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i livving in mini skirtsss or i nii dress all tthhe time and sometime when i going clunning , i wear my pirate leg so yaa , i don ''t carring what othe r people thinkking . I hadd totelling on e person once who was extraa starring that taking apicture because it lasts longger . Ypu shpu;d weariing whatt UYOU loking annd not whjatt someone else wnatts you tol wearrinn g. bbeing YOURS:EF ONLY .

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:o I am not sure but I think my friend is very uncomfortable to be seen with me when I am wearing shorts my scars show I really don't care much anymore, it has been six months and I do not dress for others anyway. I kinda do though when I go out on the bus with him he likes for me to wear longer pants to cover up my stump. Was wondering if any one else has dealt with this situation, I would like some feed back so I can talk to him about this, he is obviously upset. I have told him that the stares no longer effect me just that I wish I could have a dime for each one.lol thanks -joy

The night before my amputation I thought about what I could do to cover it up. That wa the only time I thought that way. I never felt uncomfortable going out without my leg when I first had the amputation. I just remember what the doctor said "do you want to live or die?" When I got my leg and c ould walk I just didn't give a damn what anyone thought. When I went on Eharmony and met my wonderful mate I was very up front about be8ing an amputee. When I asked Bob about how he felt being seen with me he hugged me and siad if i didn't mind him being blind in one eye why would he mind me missing a leg. I was terrified the first time I tooke my leg off - I didn't need to be he kissed my stump. I lost my husband of 43 years 4 month before I lost my leg. I know he loved me very much and I don't think it would have bothered him either.

My feeling is I CAN WALK and if anyone doesn't like the way it looks that is their problem and not mine.

JudyH

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^_^ thanks very much for the feedback, this person has been a friend of mine for over 22 years, and I really feel that out of respect for our friendship I need to take his feelings into account. On this issue however I do think that it is his problem and the staring effects him more than me. Although I am aware of his awkwardness around this issue I do wear longer shorts and try to keep the end of my stump covered. It kinda feels like he may be ashamed of me although he assures me that's not true, I am not sure. No other family member or friends have commented on this issue, but then again I have not asked. Oh well was just wondering how you all felt. Sounds like we are all on the same page. I am confined to wheelchair so I do not have a prosthesis that's why I appear in public legless. Thanks again -joy

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Never be ashamed or embarrassed for being who you are.. The decisions that you made are what saved your life.And without a doubt, those were the toughest decisions that you probably ever had to make. If your friend truly gave it any thought then they would understand that. Your leg, or your life, which do you think that he would of preferred? He has you here now because of that choice. Some people do handle things differently than others, but I have usually found that an up front conversation is usually the best bet..

Don't let your sunshine hide because of someone else.. you are who you are... :)

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'Joy' like Higgy, my hubby was never ashamed...he was so thankful to have me ;) we never looked back. I was the one that it bothered...until I met Higgy. She turned my life around {so to say} I will have to admit sometimes it still bothers ME alittle...but for the most part I'm OK with it.

I would imagine it still shocks him still. The staring!! He will get over it. Hang in there.

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Joy, by the way, is that your basset & kitty or a picture you found somewhere. I love bassets. :wub:

;) ann

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thanks much for the advice ann and higgy :) as for the avatar for the life of me cant remember where I got it from just googled some sites and dowloaded some from each you know how it is you get somewhere that leads to somewhere else and before you know it you have downloaded a bunch and dont know where you are...thanks again joy

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I lack vanity to a fault. But I also realize that the leg does make some people uncomfortable and maybe some might find this strange, but I also have concern that in the business environment people may see it as a sign of weakness.

When I'm out socially with friends, I don't give a darn and frequently wear shorts. If a friend, even a "significant" one has a problem with that then I see it as their problem, not mine. When I'm out socially where there will be many unfamiliar faces most of the time I don't wear shorts so that I can meet people without the "difference", but I don't worry if it "shows". In business situations I always wear pants that do not give it away.

I've found pants with side zips that give easy access to the prosthetic. I've even found some very high quality pants with side zips for rock climbing that are perfectly suitable for all business activities except formal. They are very comfortable and tough, they dry very quickly too, but are somewhat expensive (~US$100).....

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wow ~ so interesting reading this

as a wife of an amputee ~ i admittedly went through *huge* uncomfortable feelings of

being in public with my husband after his amputation.............sad to say! it was a huge

adjustment and an acceptance for me! ACK! my dh on the other hand had no issues at

all..his acceptance was pretty well immediate. it has been way more of an adjustment

for me..than him. weird.

what bothered me the most at first was the amount of *stares* from other people..and

since time has passed...i have come to realize that the stares have been mostly out of

curiousity. i have only experienced one bad situation ~ where someone (unknown to us)

had literally tried to pick a fight with dh on the city street..yelling that he had no right

to be in the store shopping with no arm..beleive me..it totally infuriated me..and woke

me up to many things.

today..i am proud to be with my dh..prosthesis on or not.

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I sometimes think it can be "harder" for a family member than it is for the amputee. The amputee knows what the situation is and is busy dealing with it... the family member has more time to worry about others' reactions.

That said, I was still quite aware of the stares I received after my leg came off. It didn't stop me from wearing shorts -- or going out legless in my wheelchair while I waited for my first prosthesis -- but the fact that folks "noticed" me was annoying to me. When I was out with a friend or family member, the fact that folks would talk to THEM, instead of to ME, was even more annoying! (Wait staff asking "what will she have?" for example... made me bristle and say things like, "I lost my leg, not my mind, and I'll have the cheeseburger, thank you.")

Eventually, I figured out that most folks were just curious and didn't know exactly what to say. I took to smiling and saying "hello," if I felt like talking to a stranger, and it usually initiated a brief conversation which I think made both me and the stranger feel more comfortable. And as I began to feel more comfortable with being myself, I noticed the stares less and less.

Today, I think I'd be be truly startled to realize I was being stared at. I probably still get about as many stares as ever, but they don't mean anything to me now........

That said, I almost feel sorry for the idiot who tried to pick a fight with your husband, Melody... what a sad, small world they must live in, to feel so threatened by such a small thing!

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I sometimes think it can be "harder" for a family member than it is for the amputee. The amputee knows what the situation is and is busy dealing with it... the family member has more time to worry about others' reactions.

That said, I was still quite aware of the stares I received after my leg came off. It didn't stop me from wearing shorts -- or going out legless in my wheelchair while I waited for my first prosthesis -- but the fact that folks "noticed" me was annoying to me. When I was out with a friend or family member, the fact that folks would talk to THEM, instead of to ME, was even more annoying! (Wait staff asking "what will she have?" for example... made me bristle and say things like, "I lost my leg, not my mind, and I'll have the cheeseburger, thank you.")

Eventually, I figured out that most folks were just curious and didn't know exactly what to say. I took to smiling and saying "hello," if I felt like talking to a stranger, and it usually initiated a brief conversation which I think made both me and the stranger feel more comfortable. And as I began to feel more comfortable with being myself, I noticed the stares less and less.

Today, I think I'd be be truly startled to realize I was being stared at. I probably still get about as many stares as ever, but they don't mean anything to me now........

That said, I almost feel sorry for the idiot who tried to pick a fight with your husband, Melody... what a sad, small world they must live in, to feel so threatened by such a small thing!

I think I am with you on what you are saying Cheryl.

Having been an amputee, for probably way too many years now, apart from the early days I have been used to walking and wearing my legs and not giving it much thought, but since the revision I have obviously been out and about in my wheelchair not wearing my leg on that side, so am looking at things now from a slightly different perspective. I have found most people fine really and not noticed any adverse reactions, in general though I have found people much more helpful than they usually are when I am wearing my legs, and maybe struggling a bit.

Am horrified though to learn of Melodys experience with someone wanting to pick a fight with her husband for being out shopping.

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That said, I almost feel sorry for the idiot who tried to pick a fight with your husband, Melody... what a sad, small world they must live in, to feel so threatened by such a small thing!

Am horrified though to learn of Melodys experience with someone wanting to pick a fight with her husband for being out shopping.

I've been in a similar situation ... by myself, on a London bus, a few years ago.

It was a long journey and only one seat, next to a woman. Everything was fine and we were having quite a good conversation until, about 30 minutes into the journey, I mentioned that I was getting stiff as there wasn't much leg room. She asked why, so I told her. Well, you'd think I had said something amazingly offensive to her! :blink: She started shouting, screaming and trying to hit me, saying things like 'People like you shouldn't be allowed out!' I don't remember much (probably just as well), but someone intervened to help me. I didn't show her (my legs) to her ... all I said was that 'I have to artificial legs' ...

I'm afraid there are odd people around who can't cope with altered body image. I don't wish it on them, but I wonder how they would cope if they were in the same position? :unsure:

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It was a long journey and only one seat, next to a woman. Everything was fine and we were having quite a good conversation until, about 30 minutes into the journey, I mentioned that I was getting stiff as there wasn't much leg room. She asked why, so I told her. Well, you'd think I had said something amazingly offensive to her! :blink: She started shouting, screaming and trying to hit me, saying things like 'People like you shouldn't be allowed out!' I don't remember much (probably just as well), but someone intervened to help me. I didn't show her (my legs) to her ... all I said was that 'I have to artificial legs' ...

Should have taken one off and said "please hold this, I have an itch to scratch".

Alternatively (but I know you are too nice) you should have taken one off a smacked her on the head!

:laugh:

Let other people deal with their own internal issues regarding our disabilities. We have enough to contend with.

Eish.

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Hey Stranger......... Nice to see you back Ally...................Where have you been keeping yourself?

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Hey Stranger......... Nice to see you back Ally...................Where have you been keeping yourself?

Hey there :smile:

I have been so damn busy with my business, and to be quite honest, I did a fair amount of hibernating when it came to the internet. But it's lovely to be back and see all the friendly people again!

Thanks!

:biggrin:

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Ally,

So glad you're back on...love your sense of humor. :wink:

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It was a long journey and only one seat, next to a woman. Everything was fine and we were having quite a good conversation until, about 30 minutes into the journey, I mentioned that I was getting stiff as there wasn't much leg room. She asked why, so I told her. Well, you'd think I had said something amazingly offensive to her! :blink: She started shouting, screaming and trying to hit me, saying things like 'People like you shouldn't be allowed out!' I don't remember much (probably just as well), but someone intervened to help me. I didn't show her (my legs) to her ... all I said was that 'I have to artificial legs' ...

Let other people deal with their own internal issues regarding our disabilities. We have enough to contend with.

Eish.

Yes, I don't mind them dealing with their internal issues ... it's when it becomes 'external' I start to object. :wacko:

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It was a long journey and only one seat, next to a woman. Everything was fine and we were having quite a good conversation until, about 30 minutes into the journey, I mentioned that I was getting stiff as there wasn't much leg room. She asked why, so I told her. Well, you'd think I had said something amazingly offensive to her! :blink: She started shouting, screaming and trying to hit me, saying things like 'People like you shouldn't be allowed out!' I don't remember much (probably just as well), but someone intervened to help me. I didn't show her (my legs) to her ... all I said was that 'I have to artificial legs' ...

Let other people deal with their own internal issues regarding our disabilities. We have enough to contend with.

Eish.

Yes, I don't mind them dealing with their internal issues ... it's when it becomes 'external' I start to object. :wacko:

Lizzie2, you got that right!! :blink:

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Kimberley Barreda is one of my FAVOURITE disabled writers.

Read about her views on the CRAB attack...........

CRAB attack article

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

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I know most everyone here is trying to make light of things and make everything as close to a bowl of cherries as possible. However, there are serious jerks out there that the world would be a better place without.

So after nearly falling off my chair reading about the horrible experiences listed above, I read them to my daughter. She is extremely protective of me when it comes to people staring and thankfully has not yet gotten physical with anyone to date. Verbal outbursts are a different story. Anyway, although I laughed at the CRAB article, she saw no humor and the 'winning' portion is what bothers us both.

Winning

You've won if you make it home without strangling anyone who thinks our being in public is an opportunity to rudely invade our privacy.

I won't cut them slack and say it's just curiosity. Human curiosity is 'why is the sky blue and the grass green?'. What we are forced to deal with is rudeness and disrespect. And I would never entertain the idea of having a friend who is so weak-minded as to be embarrassed by MY amputation. <-- I probably ticked some people off by making that statement but it is absolutely true. They aren't worth my time and not what I consider a friend.

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I know most everyone here is trying to make light of things and make everything as close to a bowl of cherries as possible. However, there are serious jerks out there that the world would be a better place without ...

... I won't cut them slack and say it's just curiosity. Human curiosity is 'why is the sky blue and the grass green?'. What we are forced to deal with is rudeness and disrespect. And I would never entertain the idea of having a friend who is so weak-minded as to be embarrassed by MY amputation. <-- I probably ticked some people off by making that statement but it is absolutely true. They aren't worth my time and not what I consider a friend.

Wow, Amy (nice to see you btw :smile:) ... pretty strong stuff! :blink:

Before you think I'm being 'funny', please know that I actually agree with you! :smile: However, not everyone is as upfront as you or I. Also, different amps cope with rejection (as that is the reaction, from other people, we are discussing here) in different ways. I think people's reactions on this thread just indicate how painful some amps find that rejection. I personally don't dwell on it, but I discuss it openly if the subject comes up.

As for embarrassed friends - funny you should say that, as when I first get to know someone I suss them out and gauge their reaction before I let them get to know me well. To my mind it's a necessary defense strategy, that works. It has it bonuses too, as I've found that it someone isn't prepared to accept me the way I am, then they're usually a bit lacking in the emotional and/or mental health department ... if you get my drift? :rolleyes:

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