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Hey all I know I am new here but this is a topic I have searched about and not found. Think I see over the last 7 years being a gimp that you pretty much have a supporting partner or the be it marrige or relationship can have a serious toll due to your amputation. Today a fellow amputee wrote me about the end of his relationship. He is an Ak and a prostethist and was married to a Dr. He thought that his disability had much to do with the reason for the end of the relationship. I too experianced burnout of a spouse and wonder what others think?

Are we as a group more likley to end up dependent on a spouse and if so how is that to be dealt with and not create burnout?

Dan

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Well, I can't and won't speak for anyone else, but, after pondering this question, and asking my Hubby his thoughts on it, this is the conclusion that I came to.

For us, it has only made our marriage that much stronger.. Now, I'm not saying it doesnt' effect a spouse, truth be known, it probably effects them as much if not more than us, in different ways..

My amputation was because of a trauma, so it was rather sudden, and the fact that I fought for life probably made it easier for Hubby to adjust.. His words, not mine. To paraphrase his words "he was just glad that I wasn't dead, so he didn't care if I lived and only had one foot, better one or none, than no me." Sort of the lesser of two evils, if you will..

I think that the stress that we go through, as well as they do, can very well take it's toll on a relationship. If it wasn't strong in the beginning, it will definitely show where the cracks are..and I'm sure, not always end pleasantly.What we as amputees can forget, is how they feel. Do we get caught up in our own "problems" and forget about theirs, or to listen to them properly? They have fear, doubts, anger, and adjustments to make too. At the time, things get focused on us entirely, and they tend to get lost in the back ground. With a brain injury, and memory loss, it was important that Hubby be involved for me, he had to remember what I couldn't or might not.. I was very cautious about letting him voice his anger over the person who hit me, and his opinions on treatment and legs, and all that is involved with becoming an amputee. I was very lucky, and I know it, that he wanted to be involved.. I do know of some people that just wouldn't be able to handle it. They just can't..I personally don't understand how they can't face something,but then again, I have never run from anything in my life.. That's just me..But, sad but true, there are people like that.. Some people are very vain, and maybe they are embarrassed to be seen with people like us, who are physically imperfect, who knows.. I don't see things like that, because from the day I was born, my mother's mother was a deaf mute.. I was used to dealing with people who stared at her at a grocery store when she would sign.. Or write something on paper and hand it to a person if she was looking for something.. or had questions. I have dealt with people my whole life that way..Now after all of that, back to the original question..

I don't think we are more likely to end up divorced, unless we want to..

How do we deal with it and not have burn out..... Talking to the other person in the relationship.. making sure that we don't become the center of attention constantly.. And the big one, is recognize that they have feelings too.. They have a right to be upset, afraid, or disappointed or angry..And giving them the opportunity to express themselves honestly. It doesn't always mean that they don't love us, it just means they are human. I think keeping open lines of communication are extremely critical for us.. As loved ones, they do a lot for us, and I for one, never take it for granted.. (Matter of fact, Hubby gets mad when I don't ask for help enough, and do things like carrying a glass of tea or something while not wearing a leg and using crutches..)

But then again, as stubborn as I am, I'm probably not the best person to of answered this question. I am waaaaayyyyy too independent......

I hope I have at least sort of helped answer your questions.. :huh:

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On the contrary, I met my wife when I was in hospital, she looked after me in the hospital from before I lost my leg, and is still doing so today, 25 years later!

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Hey all I know I am new here but this is a topic I have searched about and not found. Think I see over the last 7 years being a gimp that you pretty much have a supporting partner or the be it marrige or relationship can have a serious toll due to your amputation. Today a fellow amputee wrote me about the end of his relationship. He is an Ak and a prostethist and was married to a Dr. He thought that his disability had much to do with the reason for the end of the relationship. I too experianced burnout of a spouse and wonder what others think?

Are we as a group more likley to end up dependent on a spouse and if so how is that to be dealt with and not create burnout?

Dan

From people I have talked to it seems as if a marriage had a firm foundation and good communication and lots of love it will survive and flourish. If it was wobbly to begin with - it probably won't survive.

JudyH

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Are we as a group more likley to end up dependent on a spouse and if so how is that to be dealt with and not create burnout?

Dan

I’ve been an amputee since I was 12 and I have never been dependant on a spouse. I’ve never been married (by choice; I’ve found the able-bodied men I’ve dated to be too needy). I learned at a very young age that I had no one to lean on and grew into a fiercely independent woman.

Reflecting on my past relationships, I can honestly say that my being an amputee put no strain (and absolutely nothing coming close to burn-out) on them. If I’d have a bad leg day I’d just grab my crutches and off we’d go to do whatever was planned. The fact that I’m an amputee (almost) never came up.

I was never in a relationship as a whole-bodied person and then became an amputee while with that person. However, I do feel it has everything to do with the inner strength of the amputee and how much of a burden they are going to allow themselves to be on their significant other. <-- take with a grain of salt because the extent of the injuries can certainly place a very strong person in to a very vulnerable position. Likewise, if the significant other is weak, what good are they to you when you do need them most?

So we as a group are not any more likely to end up dependent on a spouse than any whole-bodied couples. Individually, there may be people who use their amputation as a “crutch” or for attention.

My opinion only,

Amy

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I've always been independent, and if anything, I've become more so over the last couple of years. I'm operating at 100% now and I don't need help with anything, nor will I ask for it. Still, I've seen some prospective relationships go south on the first or second date once the woman learns that I'm missing a foot, but I figure that's their defect and I'm better off without those particular ones.

Meanwhile, I've still got my dog, and he don't mind a bit. :tongue:

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In a way I speak in a similar vein to Amy. I have also been an amputee since the age of 12 and am also fiercely independent, however, I am married but do not in any way feel 'dependant' on my husband, although am very much aware he has made considerations that many men probably never have to consider, but all marriages are made up of the good and sometimes not so good and there always has to be an element of 'give and take' on all sides.

Also though, do identify with a lot of what Higgy says

"I think that the stress that we go through, as well as they do, can very well take it's toll on a relationship. If it wasn't strong in the beginning, it will definitely show where the cracks are..and I'm sure, not always end pleasantly.What we as amputees can forget, is how they feel. Do we get caught up in our own "problems" and forget about theirs, or to listen to them properly? They have fear, doubts, anger, and adjustments to make too. At the time, things get focused on us entirely, and they tend to get lost in the back ground."

So I think probably to be a partner of an amputee you need to pretty resilient and strong in yourself too, you probably have to be a bit of a psychic too, and know when maybe to offer help and when not to. I joke to my hubby that 'I am high maintenance' and we laugh, but in reality I probably am. We have been married 32 years this week, have three children, and had our ups and downs like everyone else does. The recent revision op I have had, I know, really worried him, he hates hospitals and I dragged him along to all the pre op consultations but he never once tried to talk me out of it (or, come to that talk me into it) because of his concerns - I am actually not sure if I myself could have done the same if the situation was reversed (as usually do like to give my opinion) I was away in rehab for five weeks and missed him so much, so, like Higgy also mentions, really had to keep open the lines of communication, but thats probably something that all couples need to be doing, all the time anyway.

And Stagger Lee, I think its brilliant that you are operating at 100% and don't need help with anything, sometimes though (I have learned) that its ok to 'ask', and that sometimes by 'not asking' we get misunderstood.

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The more I think about this the more I realise the leg has nothing whatsoever to do with a relationship. If it does, then it's the relationship that's the problem, it would have been something else if the relationship suffers 'burn out' whatever that is. It'd just be an excuse to blame any relationship issue on one of the people in the relationship being an amputee.

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Are we as a group more likley to end up dependent on a spouse and if so how is that to be dealt with and not create burnout?

Dan

Hehehehehehe, I have wondered about this - I am involved with an HD. Between the two of us, getting old and decrepit is sometimes a scary thought for me! :rolleyes:

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He thought that his disability had much to do with the reason for the end of the relationship. I too experianced burnout of a spouse and wonder what others think?

Are we as a group more likley to end up dependent on a spouse and if so how is that to be dealt with and not create burnout?

No, I don't think so, as long as you care and respect the other person, and you listen to (and actually hear) each other.

Burnout (as in physical/emotional burnout associated with caring) is another issue altogether and I think, as a couple, you need to (as Ann mentioned) be prepared to ask for/arrange/accept outside help if you need it. I'm very independent, but I believe that having help from someone else isn't a sign of weakness.

However, I do feel it has everything to do with the inner strength of the amputee and how much of a burden they are going to allow themselves to be on their significant other. <-- take with a grain of salt because the extent of the injuries can certainly place a very strong person in to a very vulnerable position. Likewise, if the significant other is weak, what good are they to you when you do need them most?

I agree with you, Amy! :smile: It has to do with all sorts of factors - inner strength of both partners, lifestyle issues, committment ... etc. It's not just one thing, by any stretch of the imagination. And, what is being discussed here can be applied to anyone with a long term 'issue', be that physical or mental.

Meanwhile, I've still got my dog, and he don't mind a bit. :tongue:

I always think it's good when a bloke has a dog, as it means that they're able to think about someone/thing else apart from themselves. :biggrin:

The more I think about this the more I realise the leg has nothing whatsoever to do with a relationship. If it does, then it's the relationship that's the problem, it would have been something else if the relationship suffers 'burn out' whatever that is. It'd just be an excuse to blame any relationship issue on one of the people in the relationship being an amputee.

I totally agree! :smile: And IMHO the 'in sickness and in health' bit doesn't only apply to marriages ... the last thing you need is a 'fair weather' partner.

Lizzie :smile:

PS I'm not a gimp ... never have been and never will be ... I'm just me. :smile: Btw, isn't Gimp an open source image editor? :rolleyes:

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I always think it's good when a bloke has a dog, as it means that they're able to think about someone/thing else apart from themselves. :biggrin:

Lizzie, you made me smile.

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I always think it's good when a bloke has a dog, as it means that they're able to think about someone/thing else apart from themselves. :biggrin:

Lizzie, you made me smile.

Well ... there's a certain element of truth about it, isn't there? :rolleyes:

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I always think it's good when a bloke has a dog, as it means that they're able to think about someone/thing else apart from themselves. :biggrin:

Lizzie, you made me smile.

Well ... there's a certain element of truth about it, isn't there? :rolleyes:

being a amputee has it affected your confidence with the opposite sex as it has me to be honest its knocked me for six

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its knocked me for six

OK, what's that mean? Speak English, man...and real English, not that British stuff. :tongue:

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its knocked me for six

OK, what's that mean? Speak English, man...and real English, not that British stuff. :tongue:

Don't you American's know nothin'? :wink:

FYI it's a cricket (I suppose you could liken it to baseball but it's more sedate? :rolleyes:) term and it means that he's devastated.

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Great insight from everyone! Ally and Lizzie always make me giggle. I love it!

I've seen some prospective relationships go south on the first or second date once the woman learns that I'm missing a foot, but I figure that's their defect and I'm better off without those particular ones.

Stagger Lee, I'm not trying to challenge you but when I read this comment I couldn't help but think of my own dating history. It takes me one (but typically 2) dates to decide if I want to have another. I usually discount the first date because I figure they are probably nervous. If I'm not getting any spark on date 2, I tell them "thanks but no thanks". Have these women actually told you it was because of your leg? Or is it possible they were not feeling a 'spark'?

being a amputee has it affected your confidence with the opposite sex as it has me to be honest its knocked me for six

Only when it comes to sex. :ohmy: But as long as I keep a sheet nearby to slide my leg under (nonchalantly), then I feel fine. His mind's on other things anyway. :cool:

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Stagger Lee, I'm not trying to challenge you but when I read this comment I couldn't help but think of my own dating history. It takes me one (but typically 2) dates to decide if I want to have another. I usually discount the first date because I figure they are probably nervous. If I'm not getting any spark on date 2, I tell them "thanks but no thanks". Have these women actually told you it was because of your leg? Or is it possible they were not feeling a 'spark'?

No challenge perceived. Since none of them (not that there's actually been a whole lot of them) have come out and said as much, I've had to ponder it a bit. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt here, but most of these start out with a few phone conversations--and those always go swell. The notable exception would be one just a few weeks ago where I'd talked to this lady on the phone a few times for fairly long conversations and because she was laughing and joking so much, I was getting the impression that she was enjoying them as much as I was. That one pretty clearly went flat when I told her about my foot and it took her less than two minutes to come up with an excuse to get off the phone--promising to call me back later, of course--only the call-back never came and my two calls to her after that went right to voice-mail, something that hadn't happened previously.

So that one, I'm reasonably sure of. Other ones I really can't say for sure, but it always seems like the turning point in the date comes right about the time when I mention my foot. Can I say it for certain in every case? No. But something's got to be accounting for my rather spectacular run of strike-outs as of late. Something other than my obnoxious, overbearing personality and my penchant for pretending that I forgot my wallet when the bill comes, that is. :tongue:

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Other ones I really can't say for sure, but it always seems like the turning point in the date comes right about the time when I mention my foot. Can I say it for certain in every case? No. But something's got to be accounting for my rather spectacular run of strike-outs as of late. Something other than my obnoxious, overbearing personality and my penchant for pretending that I forgot my wallet when the bill comes, that is. :tongue:

LOL!!! You crack me up!! :laugh: I agree with the first woman you referred to. What a shallow jerk. But I have a very difficult time thinking that so many women are that shallow and jerk'ish. I don't have that problem with men. Ever. I'm the one telling them "thanks but no thanks". However, I would never ever tell them I would call and not. Or just disappear entirely. THAT is a weak person! Those women are giving my gender a bad rep. :mellow:

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Interesting subject. I don't necessarily think it's the physical (appearance) aspect of amputation that can strain a relationship, I think it's more the emotional aspects. Whether it was caused by trauma or illness, there's a lot of stress involved in healing. I had a therapist tell me "illness" (define it however you need to) is the hardest thing on a marriage. I was hospitalized 7 times in 6 months. That's hard on everyone. I know you'll find it hard to believe, but I got a little pissy now and then. I think we like to have this romantic notion that we would be perfect for a partner in need but it can be difficult. And the partner in need can be difficult.

My husband also had to live with the fear that I might die so, like John, one leg, no legs, it didn't matter as long I was alive. It was harder for me to accept than it was for him.

Not that there aren't shallow people out there - there are. But I will take a leap of faith and believe they are few and far between.

Having said all this, I do agree that the strength of the relationship will come out in the end. I would like to share that just recently my husband told me that he thinks I'm more attractive now than when he met me. Imagine that. The leg doesn't even enter the picture :smile: Of course he lies a lot.....

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Hehehehehehe, I have wondered about this - I am involved with an HD. Between the two of us, getting old and decrepit is sometimes a scary thought for me! :rolleyes:

But you could be old and decrepit together :wub:

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No challenge perceived. Since none of them (not that there's actually been a whole lot of them) have come out and said as much, I've had to ponder it a bit. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt here, but most of these start out with a few phone conversations--and those always go swell. The notable exception would be one just a few weeks ago where I'd talked to this lady on the phone a few times for fairly long conversations and because she was laughing and joking so much, I was getting the impression that she was enjoying them as much as I was. That one pretty clearly went flat when I told her about my foot and it took her less than two minutes to come up with an excuse to get off the phone--promising to call me back later, of course--only the call-back never came and my two calls to her after that went right to voice-mail, something that hadn't happened previously.

So that one, I'm reasonably sure of. Other ones I really can't say for sure, but it always seems like the turning point in the date comes right about the time when I mention my foot. Can I say it for certain in every case? No. But something's got to be accounting for my rather spectacular run of strike-outs as of late. Something other than my obnoxious, overbearing personality and my penchant for pretending that I forgot my wallet when the bill comes, that is. :tongue:

Stagger Lee, this lady obviously wasn't the right one for you, sometimes you have to chalk things up to experience and move on. And, sorry if I am sounding a bit in your face here, but, do you think you are trying a bit too hard? And, maybe making a bit of an issue of your leg yourself ? It may be the ladies are picking up vibes from you. Maybe giving the information on the phone wasn't such a good idea, much better face to face, it does still come as a shock to some people, so perhaps she just didn't know what to say, but having not got back to you I'd say forget her, she probably just isn't worth it.

PS. Can someone please tell me how to do more than one quote in a posting.

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No challenge perceived. Since none of them (not that there's actually been a whole lot of them) have come out and said as much, I've had to ponder it a bit. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt here, but most of these start out with a few phone conversations--and those always go swell. The notable exception would be one just a few weeks ago where I'd talked to this lady on the phone a few times for fairly long conversations and because she was laughing and joking so much, I was getting the impression that she was enjoying them as much as I was. That one pretty clearly went flat when I told her about my foot and it took her less than two minutes to come up with an excuse to get off the phone--promising to call me back later, of course--only the call-back never came and my two calls to her after that went right to voice-mail, something that hadn't happened previously.

I've had one or two like that ... :glare: ... there's no helping some people, is there? :rolleyes:

I have one suggestion: could it be the way you're meeting these ladies? What I mean to say is that the mutual initial spark isn't there before you've announced it on the phone or online ~ there's no chemistry. I'm not saying that the woman you described wasn't shallow - I personally think she was very shallow. It's just that being online or on the phone is difficult because the other person's mind can go into overdrive and you can imagine all sorts of things (e.g. some women may interpret you telling them about your leg as you being 'a bit needy'). It may be worth adjusting your dating strategy a little. :smile:

And, Ann ~ you just select all the quotes (make sure they all go red) by using the 'Quote' button under each posting and then click on 'Reply' at the end. I like this forum as it's easy to make multiple quotes. :biggrin:

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Normally I would wait until we're face to face to mention it, but in that particular case, she asked first. Problem is, most women want to know why a guy isn't going to work every day. This naturally leads the discussion around to why I'm not working--because my job isn't convinced that I can return yet despite my best efforts--and we're right back to the accident itself and the inevitable questions about that. Given my preference, I'd like them to see me walking around for a bit so that when they do find out, their first thought is "I would never have guessed". But sometimes the conversation works it's way around there before I'm ready, and as much as I don't want to go down that road too soon, I don't want to appear evasive or out-and-out lie. Those things are the kiss of death to a new relationship too.

Now maybe it is something else. Maybe I'm picking the wrong ones or I'm starting out with ones that I'm never going to mesh well with. I can't say one way or the other short of corralling a bunch of women with different personality types and sorting them into test groups and dating them all to see what happens. Hmmmm...I'm seeing the possibility for a new reality TV show there. I wonder if I can make some money off this? :tongue:

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You never know Stagger Lee, it just might make it as a tv show!!!!!!!

Back to your last statement, I think that honesty is the best policy, regardless. The fact that your latest lady vacated like she did, just shows how narrow minded she is.. Granted, if it were me, I'd want to be face to face with the person I was telling, just to gauge the reaction of them. However, as said before, you never know how people will re-act to something..

For most people who are not familiar with the amputee world, I think they are very uncomfortable in it because it's not something that they are fully aware of...if at all..

Do you think there is a possibility that you are setting yourself up? That maybe, somewhere in the recesses of your mind, you aren't quite comfortable with your amputation yet? I hope that this doesn't come across as a hard question, it's not meant to be, but sometimes, how we perceive ourselves is how others will see us as well...We put up a shield, trying to keep others from hurting us. Sometimes, rightfully so, others, it was just perceived that they might..Is there any possiblity that it could be like that?

Maybe, if you haven't been there, what you need is a trip to one of the ACA conferences...There are so many people there, and none of them are strangers... There are (or were, at least, last year) seminars for males, females, blg's and for caregivers..Those sessions get quite personal and informative to a lot of people...... Plus..... Amy will be there!!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: She's awesome..As well as a bunch of us.....We would all like to meet you in person sometime....what better way!

In the mean time, we need to find you an avenue to market your new reality show!!!!! :smile:

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I believe its more a case of misunderstanding and preconceptions of 'disability' that make it difficult. If I wasn't in a relationship I think a lack of confidence would stop me being able to find someone.

b xx

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