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marianne

Asking for HELP ???

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I don't mind telling all of you that i was shaken to my very core by a series of posts from Tonya yestderday because of just intensly powerfully it came across . It made e wonder though just how many of us here have had feelings like her too and what we did to try and finds answers .

So , here is question i have for everyone . Do you find it really hard to ask for help ? I don't mean things like opening a door or stuff like that . I mean the stuff where in order to get your answer , you have to revele your deepest , darkest secrets , the ones so far hidden that they are almost ( can't think of the word ) sub-concious ( ? ) . I mean the stuff that is so powerfull that that IT is controling your life and very existance . And then , if you do have the courage to ask , who do you trust to keep those secrets and make sure they don't come back to bite you ?

Now before you all get al mad at me , i'm nOT asking for those secrets , just the answer on what you all do to take that weight off yourselves and free your mind once and for all .

Shesh , it's 4:00 am , i guess i better get some rest .

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Hi Marianne, i too was very shaken by tonya`s post, it is the first time i have come accross such a posting, i had to read it a couple of times before i could reply and even then i wasn`t sure if i had helped any. I do hope she can feel better about herself soon, she really is in need of support. The depth of her feeling is such that this forum alone may not be able to reach, but we are here to do our best.

I myself am quite an open person and am usually ready to heap my problems on to anyone willing to listen. My husband is always the first person i turn to, i have put him through hell at times, bursting into tears for to him what seems no reason at all, shouting about little things as if the world will come to an end, but god love him he takes it all on board and we usually sort it out one way or another, i am lucky to have him. He really doesn`t deserve it as he works very long hours and drives quite a distance to and from work every day, so he is usually very tired by the time he gets home, he doesn`t need my sounding off at him the minute he walks in but he never complains.

I have to admit though that after my op i did find it difficult to tell my friends how miserable i was feeling. I felt really ungrateful that them visiting me all the time just wasn`t enough. It was really good of them , don`t get me wrong but i am the type of person that loves to be out of the house. I have worked since i left school at 16, even when i had my boy we were always out of the house on walks etc. The last 10 yrs or so had been difficult as i was in such pain if i walked to far but i was determined it wouldn`t stop me. Even when the gangrene developed in my foot i continued to go to work, i am pretty stubborn. I am thankful that once i did admit to how i was feeling my friends rallied round.

It just goes to show how opening up can help.

I know it is harder for some people to open up about their feelings and that is where this sort of forum is so important. Sometimes you can`t be frank about things for fear of hurting the ones you love or because you feel you are just burdening them with more than they deserve, but what they don`t know about they can`t help put right. With forums of this kind you can let go to people who understand withou being burdened, you can be annonimous if you so wish or you can get to a more personnel level through the pm and email.

It is a great source of strength and support.

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I agree with lesley, that having a great spouse is SO helpful, but there are so many deep emotions with having an amputation, beyond just the practicalities of living life again, that you dont want to seem like this woman, droning on and on...about stuff that cant be changed. (and we know that men love to DO something about it when their woman is upset!)

I have not struggled with deep emotional feelings since my surgery, a lot because I *chose* it and it was a postive change for me. But I too was disturbed by the postings by tonya yesterday. I thought about her all night, wished I lived in the same city, I would have gone over and hugged her and found her some GOOD help.

I think the religion thing is not the issue....she needs some basic emotional support. Even one of the issues she is dealing with is a lot, and she seems to have a multitude. I think if she could find even ONE person to "dump on", whether it be a pastor/priest, therapist, friend, or family member, it might help her. I feel for her, and for her little one, who has a mommy who is struggling now.

I did pray for her last night. Only because I DO believe there is Someone listening and Someone who can help her. I just pray He sends that someone soon...

Judy

LBK

Utah

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I too was a bit shaken, by her postings, it is very sad to hear that someone is having such a stressful time in life. She has had a tough go of it, for sure, only I believe she has got to try and concentrate on other things and less on herself. Like her child and huband, as I'm sure it's not been to easy on them either. Hopefully she can find some sort of a support group around. But right now in her life. it just seems, as though no one is going to be much help, until she opens the door and let others through, instead of, in my opinion, pushing them away. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes people have a hard time dealing with those who only want to talk of themselves, such as poor me, or I can't or why me, etc. It's devastating, yes, but life goes on. One thing I realized was, that as long as I was miserable, I was only making those around me miserable. So I truely hope she can find a way out of her depression and know that we are here to support her all we can.

Now that all being said, no I do not find it hard to ask, as I have only trusted my true deepest feelings with the man in my life, my husband. I know whatever I ask or things I say, that's where they'll stay.

What usually works for me, when I'm feeling down is, I always try and think of other's who are so much worse off than myself and I'm sure there's many, this helps me keep things into some sort of perspective. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone, but it sure does take the attention off from my probs for awhile. :rolleyes:

Sheila LBK

Maine USA

Keep Smiling :)

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Sheila, you are SO right. I had forgotten that....I do that a LOT. We have friends who have kids with cancer, friends who have had babies die THIS year, friends who have struggled with infertility then lost the baby they finally conceived to stillbirth....all things that are MUCH bigger than my little leg. We almost lost our now 7 year old to an undiagnosed metabolic disorder when he was a baby...after going thru that, this leg deal is just a bump in the road....all perspective.

I agree that there is a point you have to stop focusing inward, look beyond yourself. But I also struggle with how to help someone like tonya when, for a person who is truly *depressed*, they cant just *snap out of it*. I learned this first hand, when I lost my mom, and was in a period of depression...that my HEAD knew I should go on, that she was in a better place, that I was lucky to have a great husband and kids...but my heart was still sad, I couldnt just "snap out of it"...I had to dig thru it, work it out. I am a VERY happy person today, at peace, but it is not because I just woke up one day and decided to be happy...I had to resolve some issues...and that just took time. So I dont know how to advise tonya, in a way....knowing she needs to drop self pity, but knowing it is not always just that easy...you know?

judy

lbk

utah

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I agree,

I too was worried about Tonya's postings. For me I did not have any real emotional problems with my amp as I had chosen it (just as well cos I would have lost in anyway apparently!). For me it was just another blip that I knew I would overcome and I have. But I am a very upbeat and positive person - may be that helps me!! I also talk frequently with family and friends and we also chat about the accident and the amputation and the after effects etc - but always in a positive way.

I think most people have lost loved ones, had major crisis, personal problems etc and its how we cope and deal with these things that shapes us. I've just lost a cousin to breast cancer who has left a 6 year old boy without a mum - breaks my heart to think about him - and I know that she left him many things to remind him of her to see him through the next few years.

I hope that Tonya can find just one person to talk to and to open up to - maybe then she will be able find it easier to deal with her fears, depression etc and to know that there are people who love her for herself as she is now and help her to find the confidence that she will need. Her child (ren) will need a mum to hug and for me this is the greatest inspiration I have. I'm a single working mum bringing up my family with love and values - confidence in themselves is one of the things that I tell my 2. I also talked to my boys about the surgery / recouperation / limb centre visits etc. - I find it helps them and me.

Sue - Cardiff - UK

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Funny thing about a question . Sometimes , the answer is right under us and we can't see it because of . well , just can't see it . For example , when i posted the oringinal question / post , i too was torn with questions and reminders of events past that i needed answers to or at the very least , for sort of reason for why the events happened . Truth is , the answers where always there was i was too distracted to see them . I was however very lucky in that i had this wonderfull person who has, been there , done that , to help me through the land of confussion . Obviously , it takes time an dots of it to learn to deal with and accpet the situations we are faced with and for some , it will take much longer than for others . However with the infinate amount of wisdon , knowledge and the willingness to help a fellow human being , the answers are there for the taking , there to be used and there to be tried .

Speaking from my own personal experience thingie , ya , mind is a mess too but i have the help , the support , the friendship , the love and the outlet to vent , yell , scream , laugh , cry , write , draw . In fact , i am venting right now because it was on my mind . However , i KNOW that if i need help , i am only a keyboard / phone call / computer / family member / friend away . So to ALL of you out there , each and everyone of you , thank you from me and others who have been recipients of yoiur kind words , your shoulders to cry on and who knows what else . Thanks for making at least some part of our lives meaningfull .

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Lets thank you marianne, for your support and upbeat post, that we all enjoy reading with a smile on our face. Well of course, I can only speak for myself, but there is no doub what so ever, that all the others feel the same way. To me, that is perhaps the best way to deal with the situation that surrounds us. If we couldn't smile, laugh, have fun and stay positive, probably the most of us would be feeling down an out, with no where to turn. We all have our days, after eight years I still have mine, where something will come up and I get rather frustrated and have to let off steam. My goodness if we didn't, we'd implode and what a terrible sight that would be. :o I recall this person saying to me shortly after I came home.....

"Don't you think you ought to get over it?" I answered very abruptly " what the hell do you think this is a 'headache', one can get over that easily." Needless to say I was some P..O.. :huh: Those things go away, but this is always here to remind you, like when you take off your prothesis at night, it's here for life. To me, I kind of feel it's like living in two worlds, one with both legs, (tho it be artificial) letting you feel you can do most anything. Then as soon as it comes off, you're in that other mode, where you may need assistance carrying a cup of tea or whatever, thus leaving you feeling not quite so independent. So it is a lot to deal with and will always be a constant learning experience, but as you said, the answers are there to be taken, used and tried. You're a very smart girl MJ, your life will always be meaningful, with such wisdom. ;)

Sheila LBK

Maine USA

Keep Smiling :)

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Sheila , your words to me were very kind and in predictable fashion , i started to cry after reading what you said . Funny too because i just finished with a rather lengthy and emotionaly charged discussion with a wonderfull friend of mine and as we talked about our lives , and so close they seemed to be related , it was still light years apart but .... there was some sort of connection an dwith that connection we were able to help eachother go forwards . we were 1000's of miles appart yet it's as if we were beside eachother ... and were there forever . i asked , she asked , i cried , she cried , i laughed , she laughed . All this happened because a question was asked .

Wisdom starts with the first question . friendship develops from that , then .... From a very personal point , i still have a million questions on my mind , many of then that cannot be answered , some that i cannot ask , a few that i am afraid to ask , but , those that i can ask , i know will be answered .

I guess that i really should get to my point ( mind is of to some far away place right now ) and that is that there is no such thing as a stupid question . Help is never too far away .

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Marianne and Sheila,

Both of you are so right. It is great that we have good friends, family, colleagues etc., to talk to and to off load to. The comment about being in two worlds is very true - for me at least. It is great when I wear the leg and then when I take it off and either walk on my knees, use the chair, or get up and down stairs on my bum, well..thats the other side of being an amputee - but it's all good stuff!!

I'm glad we can all sound off / ask for help etc. on this site, for those who can't / won't speak to others around them.

Sue - Cardiff - UK :huh:

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Now, you girls have got me going on this one too.........

The two worlds .... I could write a book...

In one, we are able, with the help of an artificial limb, to live a high quality of life. We are independent, mobile, strong, proud ... able to work, play, do everything we choose. (yes, EVERYTHING...as long as no screws fall out!!)

In this other world (without a ‘technical support’) ....well, we are confronted by our most deepest, primal fears...of being helpless and lost. It's a place which terrifies me....but it's a place which needs to be dealt with, for sure.

Sometimes, in order to see clearly, you need to take a step back ...

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This forum has been such a lot of help to me. I wish i had found similar places to go when i had my other ops. The memories of those ops have faded quite a lot now and although i do think back sometimes, i managed to get over them times with the help of my family and friends. My ectopic pregnancy was 12 years ago and at that time i didn`t have a pc nor were ther support groups. Nowadays there are all sorts of places you can reach to get advice and help etc.

I think finding this forum has played a big part in my very quick recovery.This time although i discuss my problems with my husband and he is very very supportive and encouraging, there is a part of me that says great but he doesn`t know how it really feels. As Sheila and Sue have mentioned, it is such a wierd feeling when you take that leg off at night or if it is sore during the day, no one with all their limbs could begin to imagine how it is.

Today it took me 4 goes to get my leg on properly, so that it was comfortable, my husband couldn`t help me with this problem but i could have posted here to ask what i was doing wrong, i know someone would have been here to help me and guide me through because they would have gone through the same when they were still in the early stages of being an amputee.

I can honestly say there is no place like it, and i add my thanks to everyone else`s, for all the help given here. THANK YOU :D

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Hi, gosh I'm sorry MJ didn't mean to get ya crying, looks like I'll just have to find something funny to get you laughing again. You where saying there is no such thing as a stupid question, perhaps not, but there sure is a thing as a stupid answers, now I'll tell ya why. Many, many years ago my doctor had put me on some medication and then asked me, "are you having any side effects?" To which I replied, ya ready..... " nope, my side doesn't hurt at all." Now do I get the trophy or what???? :lol: :lol: See, I told I'd find something to make ya laugh, and probably everyone else too, but that's ok, I figure, so long as people are laughing, their not crying. Plus I no longer live that sheltered life.... good thing huh?? :lol:

I'm sure there are many who feel exactly the way you do, concerning questions. Only, one should never be afraid to ask, because like you said, that is where we get our wisdom. I think many do not ask out of fear that it may sound rediculous or something, but you know what, if you don't ask, how can you ever pass that wisdom on to others. It does take time to deal with such as situation, each day become a new learning experience, that you take on with you to the next. Some days will seem quite exciting, when others are not so pleasant, but that's all part of accepting what has come into your life. Trust me, it does get better with time. I know for myself, I wanted someone, anyone to know how 'Exactly' how I was feeling and they didn't. But then how could they, b/c this is definitely something one must go through, to even began to comprehend all the different emotions that go on inside you. I would say to my husband, "you just don't understand, well no he didn't, it wasn't him living with the amputation, I was. So it was up to ME to help him and others learn, as best I could, how life is for an amputee. So he started asking more questions, to which I wanted to find the answers for the both of us, to help us learn. So never be afraid to ask, it just may be the one answer you've been searching for all this time.

Well I've rambled on long enough, time for lites out and will catch ya all again tomorrow, with chapter 2. :P :lol:

Sheila LBK

Maine USA

Keep Smiling :)

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