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marianne

Slushy gurl is back ....

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Hiya everyone , i am back at home ( well at mom and dads place anyway ) and just wanted to let you all know that i missed everyone like hugely . For thoase of yoju who thoght that i am a space creature from tghe planet hair dye ... right you are :P :P :P . It must be true that when my dad told me that i was out there , he must have known something . :P :P :P .

Anyway , we had a great time together and sorted a huge bunch of stuff out . We started off by going to NYC for a day . He asked me what i wanted to do first , i said i wanted to dye my hair a fire orange / red . He asked my why and i told him trhat i was in this totaly firey mood so , it's now fire flame orange / red .

We then went onto the West Viginia where dad had made reservations to stay at this totaly cool and quiet place in the national park / resort . There we stayed and talked , cried , laughed , fought and sorted out a ton of stuff that needed to be delt with sooo long ago . I am still a bit freaked out with all this because i had no idea what to expect from dad with all the stuff we needed to get out but at the end of all this it's like he said it so simply when he siad that he is and will always support anything i do because he is my dad .

I also MUST say a huge thanx to my great and wonderfull friend KAZ for letting al of you knoew that i was fine and would be back soon ... THANKS KAZ . :D :D :D

" ... i want you to want me , i need you to need me , i'd love you to love me ..."

( Cheap Trick )

I"ll fill you all in more about the trip and what we talked about ( no secrets here ) but for now , i need to do laundry . YUK :unsure::angry::angry:

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Well , day 1 and we are out the door and set to leave . Dad says that we have time to do anything I want to i sort of say to him that i want to head to NYC . He asked me why and i tell him that i anted to dye my hair a different color . I expected him to say no way gurl , but off the NYC we went . Hair was dyed and i was happy . Talk about surprises from the start . I wanted to bring my CD's with me so can listen to MY music and was sure dad was going to freak out . I mean , like how many old guys like punk rock and stuff like that . Well the Ramone's were on like level 10 on the stereo , Public LTD was played real high and The Clash never stoped .

True to from , it took me all of about 20 minutes into our trip when i started to cry . I have been asked many times where i store all these tears but i hav eno idea where they come from . Dad , is not one to say what he dosn't mean so we got right to it . One of the very first things he told me was about how it is time i started to deal with and accept my situation and i like totaly lost it with him . But m he was right . These dads are smarter than the average bear . :P :P :P

My dad told me ( to my huge surprise i might add ) that he knows about this foru and the bith he and my mom will check it out sometimes because he told me that they both see me as being comfortable here and alowed to be myself . He said , well , sort of asked my why i have not shared my sorty with anyone . I sort of yelled at him and told him that i am not ready to do that yet but one day , i will . We left it at that .

While in NYC , along with dying my hair , i also did the next most important thing ... SHOPPING ... :D :D :D . Dyed hair , nw funky cloths , more great music ... yup , mj is a happy gurl .

More later ..

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I came home today ,

and here i will stay ,

i don't feel alone ,

now that i'm home ,

i spent time away ,

my mind went astray ,

i saw the sights,

and the evening lights,

spent time with my thoughts,

missd my freinds lots ,

had things to decide,

a few things to hide ,

what is very clear ,

mom and dad are near ,

to them i can turn ,

when i feel this burn ,

thank you dad ,

you make me glad,

you took me out ,

and let me shout ,

you let me say ,

in my own way ,

the words to convey ,

what i feel everyday ,

so here is a hug ,

please hold me snug ,

remember for sure ,

my love of you is pure ,

and always remember ,

I LOVE YOU ........

post-7-1085441231.jpg

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Hi Marianne!

Welcome back - sounds like you had a great time with your Dad. It's wonderful that he loves you and took the time to show you. Enjoyed reading your post - it made me smile! Keep smiling Wendy

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Day two of our trip was about to start . we loaded up dads truck and headed to Washington DC . My dad told me he needed to share something very special and really deep with me today and this is where it will have to happen . WE sat in tyhe truch and he drove ( he did all the driving this trip ) . It was a sort of like wierd day becaus ewe really didn't say a whole lot of anything , jusyt had the music blasting and let the music do it's thing . I think the Ramons CD was the big hit today .

We got to Washington DC and dad said that we will be visiting the wall . I was like totaly freaked out because i knew what this was about , i knew that he was there and he knew how i feel / felt about things like wars and stuff . However , i knew this was important to him too so , there we are now . I got this really creepy feeling around me because i had no idea of any of this and is scared me big time . My dad cried really big time , i cried really big time and we held eachother knowing that we are there for eachother . We were ther for about maybe an hour or a bit but this was like sooo totlay powerfull that i am not really sure i hav ethe words to stay what power it had . However , it di explain a lot about my dad but even more important , he said something that was soooooooooo meaningfull . He suggested that we went there because he needed to face his fears and ghosts from the past and wanted to show me that not only do i need to do the same but when i am ready to do it , he would be there and not let me go , not let me face them alone . The rivers fillled up that day ... yup , more tears . ( sheesh , i'm crying just remembering this all ) .

I am still like totaly freaked out with all this because i would have never thought that my dad who is like this HUGE man would cry like that but i guess that if it's OK for him to be himslef and be not afraid to show who he is , i guess it's OK for me to do the same .

After a whle we left and headed to our next place but as we drove , we called home to let everyone there know we where just fine . I think that from that moment on , i knew that dad was going to be there no matteer what and it didn't matter what the past was about .

"... keep me warm let me wear your coat ..."

( Roger Daltry ... The Who )

Today though i was like totaly frustraied becaus ei had all this emotion insidce me and no way for me to let it go . I would often have my computer with my so that i can at least creats some sort of art to try and express myself but , i thought i brought it with me . Wait , i DID bring it with me but my mom and dad took i tout of the truck purposly before we left . GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . Dad told me ths after this event becaus ehe said that i needed to try and SPEAK my feelings rather than draw them .

We had out first big fight over this . I like screamed at him that he had right to tell me how to express my feelings and that if i want to draw , well , that's what works for me . Hmmm , i wonder , is he right about thsi . I was really REALLY mad about this but , i think he wanted me to try and understand that it was OK to talk and not always hide behind a picture . I felt soooooooo trapped because i think that for the first time , i had to actually try and say what i felt rather than create the picture that would have noramly replaced the words . I wonder , have i been " escaping " or hiding behind a creation rather than deal with the reality of the situation that causede me to create in the first place .

I learned alot today .

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" MJ , i have a surprise for you " my dad says . Oh , OK . I was sort of like sgocked becaus ei was not expecting any sort of surprise so , when dad sais this , i was freaking out . Actually , it was welcomed news because i was startring to experience my emotional crash and i know that when this happenes to me , it is usuallu not stoppable but i guess i was still only starting so i got it under control in time .

My dad made these reservations in the great place in West Virginia in this huge state park that was alo a resort so that was where we were heding to next and it was only a short drive away . I wantd to drive too but it seems that dad had different plans for me since he " forgot " to add my peddale adapter to his truck so that i can drive too . That's what he told me anyway and he tried to keep a straight face .

We talked abou ta bunch of other stuff that was just bugging me for ever and we really went into some totaly deep stuff . He asked me about a few things that i had triued so hard to NOT ever mention and why i tried to say nothing about stuff that was so obviously a huge partt of who i was / am as a person . WE got into some stuff about school , riding ( i was a motorcycle rider before my acccident ) , my fears and what i wanted to see in the future . I told him that i ws like really mad that my brother and sister are mad at me and for no reason i told him that i was really mad that i don't understand all the time what is going on around me and was really mad that sometimes they thought i was this sort of like off the wall flower child who should grow up and get a real life .

We spent alot of time talking about my injury and how it has affected all those around me . It has been particularly hard on my mom and dad and i don't hink i ever really like rrealised just how hard it has been for them . Dad mentiuoned that he never really heard me talk about it to others and asked me why i never did mention anything . I told him to just leave that one alone for now because he KNEW the answer . I told him that when i am ready , i may but i'm sooo not ready right now and to drop it .

I was getting mad about now so we just both shut up and turned the truck strereo up high . Like " .... the doorman says , feed your head ... "

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Marianne,

Welcome back. It sounds like you had a gret time with your dad. Loved the little poem - fab.

Sue - Cardiff - UK

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... the story of our trip comtinues ....

We are now well on our way to WV and dad knows that something is on my mind but he totaly respects my space and asks me nothing ... for now . We drive on and have the tunes turned up sooo loud that i was sure the birds were hearing too . :P :P :P

We arrive and the day is just great ... sunny , warm and great scenery here . I was sooooo glad to be here because i was with the animals both for real and in my mind . When i feel sad or confused , i spend my " time " with the animals because i understand them and they understand me . We have this sort like oneness about us that i cannpot reelly explain for sure but it is there . Dad check us in awe go to our rooms ... niiiiiice . Here is wehre we will be for a few days .

It is sort of weird in a way becaus edad and i have always had this sort of relationship that is hard to explain but it has been for the most part quite good . However today i was like really really hurt by something he said about something from the past . I tried to talk about today to a great friend of mine but just couldn't . I knew that dad nad would have these moments where we will make eachother feel bad but i guess this was also part of this rip thingie since it was time to confront a ton of stuff and this was going to be one of them .

We talked about everything from lifestyle choices to freinds to likes , dislikes and we talked a lot about the injury that affected us all . Ya , i cried a bunch but it ws worth it i think because somewhere inside those tears where answers too .

Today as a good day , it was a bad day but it was also a productive day .

"... fly like and eagle let my spirit carry me ..."

( Steve Miller band )

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Today , i am in a sort of haze . I so much need to get to a computer to send a freind an email to say i am alright and i am starting this emotional crash cycle of mine again . Dad andi had our other big fight today and while it was cleared up fast , it was still sort of draining big time so , i took dads truck and drove into town to get a computer . He was real mad when i got back but he understodd .

"... i've become comfortably numb ..."

( Pink Floyd )

( NOT MY art work but it sort of expresses the mood i was in )

cn

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Hi MJ, welcome home, so glad you and your dad had a good time and got to talk over many different things. I know parents and their kids don't always agree, but just the fact that you found the time to share with him, is a good thing. :D My son and I don't always agree on things either, which I believe is to be expected. However, the thing that is the most important, we definitely both agree on, is the Love we share as mother and son. B) But if it seems like sometimes we don't have all the answers, then we probably don't, because after all we're only the parents, not the computer!!! :P :lol:

Good to have ya back girl!! :D

Sheila LBK

Maine USA

Keep Smiling :)

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Welcome home,

It sounds as if both of you needed this vacation to iron out some problems, expresses some feelings and do some healing. I wish I could talk to my parents like that.

Good to have you back.

Tonya

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Hiya MJ-good to see you back.

You know, I dont think it's all bad that you do express your feelings in art-sometimes there just aren't the right words in our language to really express how you feel, especially to the people who matter. I can also associate with the just not feeling ready to talk about things and that's okay too-I don't necessarily agree that bottling things up is wrong as so many would insist, sometimes a subject is just too raw or painful to think too hard about, never mind find the words to express it to someone near and dear, and sometimes the nearer and dearer they are the harder it is still.

I went through years of post traumatic stress that wasn't recognised and instead everyone went about treating it in the same way you would clinical depression-BIG mistake. The drugs they use are no good to someone who's going through the 'turmoil inside' type feelings you probably experience the same as I do and 'talking therapy' time is about when I clam-up and switch off completely.

When I look back at how I was with my family in my teens and early twenties I cringe because I must have been a complete nightmare and I think the hardest thing for my Dad was the not getting me to open up however he tried. I would just be all the more 'difficult' to deal with the more people picked away at the metaphorical scabs and was quite good at 'shock tactics' like, ahem, dare I say it, hairdying as my way of displaying all was not well.

Soooooo, I think you've done brilliantly from your accounts to be able to share some of your most intimate thoughts and feelings with your Dad, because believe me when I say I do understand what a difficult thing it is to do.

Being an original Britpunk of old, I must say your taste in music is impeccable too me dear ;)

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( ... blasting car stereo ... playing SEX PISTOLS CD ... anarchy in the UK ... )

GRRRRRRRRRRR " ...SHUT UP ... JUST SHUT UP and leave me alone ..."

I am like so totaly mad right now . It's eithe rSunday or staurday , don't remember which day but we are in the truck and i just need to vent big time today . Dad asks me what's wrong and i sort of snap back at him saying something like ... " ya right , AS IF LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F**** IS WRONG ... " I' don't often swear but when i do , it's because i am really , REALLY mad .

The other day , my dad said something that really hurt me big time and while it was about something a real long time ago , it was still NOT what i needed to hear . I just needed to vent today so this was MY TIME to do it . It sort of like totaly freed me from this trap i was in for all this time for so many reasons .

"... Free Me ... "

( The Who )

Actually , this whole trip was about setting ourselves free from the past and allowing us to start over again . I was able to talk , yell , scream , and vent so big that it was perhaps worth more than any amount of time i send with my shrink every week .

"... journey to the center of my mind ..."

( The Amboy Dukes )

I got to travel with my dad but i also had the chance to travel within my own mind and let go all or at least MOST of what has been bugging me for so long . I have a very long way to go before i find my way i guess , but , i KNOW , KNOW without any doubt that i have my mom , dad , friends to lead me if i get lost . "...I have a new attitude ... "

post-7-1085585552.jpg

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"... six o'clock in the morning ... it's a brand new day ... "

( The Eurithmics )

Heading back home today and atfer days of crying , scrreming , yelling , venting , huggins , talking and just being me i feel releived but a bit drained too both emotionaly and physicaly . Alot was acoomplished these past few days an dthere is still alot that needs to be done but i think that the ground work has ben satrted .

So , it's off to the truck , turn the stereo on real high and just veg while dad does all the driving . I think i will make him a fan of Publice Imagae Ltd . yet .

Thanks dad for being there for me . ... driving off and holding hands with dad ...

Thanks to all of you on the forum for letting me share this with you and totaly hogging the list over .

post-7-1085596840.jpg

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Hi MJ,

Glad you had a good trip. You sound as angry as I was when I first had my accident (32 years ago UGH!!). I was very jealous of my younger sister, going out to discos in her mini skirts (my right leg was mangled, not a nice sight, still isn't, but won't be there for much longer ;)). What I'm trying to say, I think, is that try and be patient with your mum and dad, they also have been through a great ordeal, and I don't think you will realise it until you have kids of your own, when you wish you could protect them from any pain or upset. I hope you understand, I'm not getting at YOU just giving you my thoughts gained through experience and age OMG!!!

Just hang in there.

Love

Pam

Cheshire, UK. XXX

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Pam , you are NOT getting on me at all . You said stuff that i needed to hear a long time ago and , well , you know what i mean . THANKX

It's funny in a way because the past two months or so have been like so totaly freaky in a bunch of ways and yet . somehwere within all this freakyness came such total happyness that there are no words out there that know of to properly explian it . This is most certainly a "... Land of confussion ... " ( genisis ) but in there is alos a wonderfull kind of spirit that when found can never be lost . ( so i have beeen reminded )

I need to settle myself down a bit right now and i will once setttled try and tell you all about it but for now , THANKS for all the wonderfull support and and friendship i hav eerecieved . It means more than you may ever know .

( here i go crying again and it's only like 8:30 am ... someone tell where the tears are made / stored / transported )

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MJ, what you have to do now is store the whole of this time away and when you are feeling low and your emotions are getting the better of you, remember the experience, remember how the break made you feel, the things you and your dad talked about. I`m sure he wouldn`t mind if you called him to chat about the time you had together, then with any luck you will get the good feelings that you have now back again.

You are so chirpy and happy at the moment it would be sad if you lost the sparkle.

Wishing you even more happiness to come. :)

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Hi, MJ, so glad to know that you are doing a lot better - what a major change compared to the first time that we talked! But already back then I told you that you would find your way and pursue it...

Lots of luv and hugs,

Uschi

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Giz gurl , i haven't heard from you in like soooooooooooooo long ... i hope your doing real good ... misss you a ton . Ya , you told me , others ahve told me , i should have seen it myself but i guess i was just too blinded by whatever it is that messes me up that i didn't see the light . Thanks for having confidance in me .

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