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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
marianne

Confussd , happy , sad , mixed up and moving ahea

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Hi everyone , i need to to screem , vent and just plain try and exprees this emotional state of mine today so feel free to use your delete key .

As some of you may read on another thread i was away fro about a week with my dad to do some searching for answers and bonding togethr . It was such a wonderfull trip and i ended up being re-energised , refreshed and re-newd my desire for life in general .

One of the big things we talked about was my seemingly endless desire to be creative and to draw the emotions i feel that i cannot say with words . I hav edone some for a wonderfull friend and perso i can sharre my deepest darkest stuff as well as my huge highs and i hav ebeen told often enough that i have a future at this if i really ant to put my mind to it . Well , i think yesterday realy did it for me becausewe talked for a long time and it's as if like we are this ONE person living in two places .... distant yet together . Anyway , one thing that STUCK sooooooooooo much in my mind was something that was said about me HAVING this talent and me BEING myself is what makes me the person i am rather than being some robot like person following the crowd . This really set me off in this wonderfull way and just sort of like confirmed that i AM ... Well , i have pretty much decided that i wll once again make this attempt to go back to scool to study FINE arts ... where my heart is and always has been . I hope to do this nest Sept 2005

Yesterday was alos this day that i finaly needed to admit to myself that i have been hiding who i was / am for so long and was staying stagnent while others around me where moving forward and progressing . I wore everything i could to hide what was not there and somewhere , lost MY identity because of FEAR . NO MORE . MJ is NOT hiding any more , NOT leting fear run my life and NOT letting RULES dictate who i WANT to be . NO MORE HIDING . Is the world ready for the OLD MJ ? Probobly not but , TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAD .

Wow , it feels GREAT to take back this power and be FREE again , to fel love without having to hie the person i KNOW i am . With that , today was another day of BIG STEPS for me ( sorry Brenda but i was / am NOT a good listener ... i'm MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ... :P :P :P ) I saw my orthos today and we ecided to do what should have been done a year and a half ago ... from the start ( although it was the Dr. who screwed up big time ) . In the year 2005 MJ will WALK again for the first time in more than TWO YEARS . DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD ?????????????????????????? I am sooooooo hyper now that i almost can't speak and write so alow me this moment of pure whatever it's called . OK , the news is that my ortho will be palnning for me to have a revision in either Jan or Feb of 05 and this will mean that I will finally be able to walk again for the first time WITHOUT those STINKING CRUTCHES . ( planning crutch burning party too ... :P :P :P ) ( now crying big time totaly )

I guess there comes a time when one has to just say @#%&* it and get on with the leasure that LIFE has to offer and i was so deep in this hole of depression an dfeling crappy that i almost forgot how to live ... until i was " rescued " . ( you know who you are ) So , i guess i a trying to say that life is worth living and and i WILL be there to see all of it .

I do have a question though which i was thinking about for ever . At what point did any of you out there finally decide to " move forward " ?

"........ lifes been god to me so far ......"

( Joe Walsh )

".......... getting rid of the albatross .......... "

( Public Image LTD . )

".... shine on you crazy diamond ......"

( Pink Floyd )

"..... riders on the storm ...."

( The Doors )

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MJ,

You went through a lot and since you had this done because of someone elses neglagence or whatever it can make the situation even harder to swallow. You need to vent and vent a lot so you can get on with life and not dwell on what happened as you can't change it (sorry if that's blunt). Having a revision surgery if it gives you your mobility back will be a great thing I know how much crutches can be a pain I have spent my share of time on them over my life time. Wear what you want don't hide because you're afraid of what others might or will think you're still the same person just missing a limb.

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I do have a question though which i was thinking about for ever . At what point did any of you out there finally decide to " move forward " ?

Full steam ahead GURLY. You are on your way, and we are all here for you.

My answer to you is, I finally decided to move forward when I remembered who I was, and what I had going for me already (Self Esteem). Limb loss does not include your self esteem. It just gets clouded by fear, which get's in your way. You have to work through and eliminate the fear in order to have a healthy mind to move forward. For some it is easier than others, depending on what else is effecting ones life. Post traumatic stress can cause fear, and there is help available to work through that. You just have to want to, and I wanted to improve my quality of life. So I took what I had, and made good use of it, just as I had before my amputation. And here I am today making good use of what I have.

Thanks for asking MJ. I think that you make good use of what you have, and will continue to do so. The talents that you have are meant to be shared. And that's why you are here, making good use, and sharing what you have. Sounds familiar, huh?

Best regards as always,

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MJ,

I know my major vent session caused a major change in me. It was after that, that I got my spunk back. Go Girl ggggggggggggggoooooooooooooooooooooo

I hid for awile also, Now I dont care about the looks. I survived something that most people could never face. Now it is time to thrive.

Good luck in school. Pursue it . Get a class list, tour the campus, meet the prof.

Do not let this go. Have a goal and attain it. Then another Goal.

YOU WILL WALK.

YOU WILL GET AN ART DEGREE.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE

GO FOR IT ALL

wORLD WATCH AT MJ IS BACK.

WE ARE ALL PULLING FOR YOU.

Tonya

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Hi MJ!

This is how I felt reading your post,

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Grab the world by the tail and DON'T let go.

It takes time for everyone to move forward. I think because of the cancer issue I got a message real quick not to take anything for granted.

Johnny - I like the new picture.

Keep Smiling! Wendy

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Sheeeeesh , you guys and gurls are just like way tooooo great . Sort of like totaly lost for words right now . Thanks for standing by my side and making sure i didn't fall over . ( crying )

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MJ,

We are here for you to fall and we will catch ya!! Isn't it great to have a place with so much support? We want you to be as successful and also be able to move on and have a productive life. Keep your chin up and reach for the stars and you'll succeed. You know where we are when you need us..

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Hi MJ, you go for it girl!!!!..... scream, laugh, cry, sing, whatever makes you feel good, cause that's really what it's all about, feeling like yourself once again. Let the world know that you WILL be walking soon and I'm sure everyone will be as proud of you, as we all are, what an GREAT day that'll be. :lol: Just reading your post has left me feeling so excited for you, wish I could be right there to see you take that first step...... "How Sweet It Is'!! :D You're so right, life 'is' worth living, so live it up girl while your still young enough to do so. You deserve the best life has to offer, so take advantage of it and do what YOU feel best at doing, it's your future, no one elses. I know you'll be just fine, you're a strong young lady with a lot of heart and determination to keep moving forward, one day at a time and don't look back. The only true person you're hiding from is yourself and if you can't face her, then how will she ever get the chance, to be truthful with you. ;)

When I finally decided to move forward, was when I realized how selfish it was of me not to. When so many others out there never get another chance, to go on and enjoy life. :unsure:

Sheila LBK

Maine USA

Keep Smiling :)

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Being MJ's fellow Bond gurl 'partner in crime', hehehe ..... i now just HAD to add my few cents: I LOVE the support here....what a great bunch of people you are!! :D :lol: B) ;)

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Hi MJ-I'm so glad for you chick, <<<<<<<hugz>>>>>>>.

Taking control of your life is a huge step forward hun and now you have goals you can firmly set your sights on to focus your thoughts which is, well, great-the world is your oyster kid and don't forget it :lol: ;)

Kaz, I agree, everyone here on this board is so supportive it makes me very emotional whenever I read posts like this. Laptops to access this site following an amp. should be compulsory treatment B)

I printed off a thread for my friend (hope you don't mind Johnny) who's in hospital waiting for a possible revision and she said it was the first time she'd ever felt she's not alone-and that's thanks to you lot. :D

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OMG , i am like sooooooo touched by all the support and the feeling of the huge hugs . i amm like sooooo totaly speachless right now and trying to dry me eys big time . I have gotten MORE support here in a short time i was here than i have had since day one aqnd i must confess that it is like soooooo totaly overwheliming me that , well , you know . I have like so many people to thank but some like KAZ and GIZMO have been there with me and made sure i didn't land too hard when i fell down . Many others have been there too an di'm not forgetting that either so if i didn't mention your name , don't feel bad , names are a real bad thing with me .

i am woman hear me roar

above the clouds is where i soar

with wonderful friend s

who whom i ascends

to highs so hgh

that i touched the sky

you have shown me love

from hesaven above

you let me cry

and never asked why

thank you all

for stopping my fall

thank you today

in every way

..

..

..

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MJ, i cannot get over how much stronger you are now sounding, you are becoming one of those people who just ooze inspiration, you are such an asset to this forum, you are proving to us newbies that with a little help from friends life is wonderful and we can achieve so much.

Thank you

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I printed off a thread for my friend (hope you don't mind Johnny) who's in hospital waiting for a possible revision and she said it was the first time she'd ever felt she's not alone-and that's thanks to you lot. :D

I am so happy that you did, and that we were able to make a difference for someone else. Thanks for sharing.

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Lesley , my strength came to me from people like you and others here who have been sooo supportive . One person in particualar with whom i have made a very special freindship has been a real huge savior and found this special " switch " that was in the off posssition and turned it to " on " . I cry just thinking about it because it's as if i lost almost two year of my life for nothing and all because somewhere i lost what i was looking for . ( sorry but the words are not easy right now ) . I lost focus , my desire to , well , i just lost whatever it was that made me , me .

I can't promise to never be down again , never to have an emotional crash but i KNOW that thise crashes will not last as long and will not be as bad . I have found my focus again , i have found a purpose to go forward and yes , i have found the love that was so needed / wanted / desired ... the love of life , the love of my art , the love of my special friends and the want to see what is around the corner .

" ... i want to fly like an eagle , can't you see , fly like and eagle let my spirit carry me .... "

( Steve Miller band )

crying ,,, but these are happy tears ...

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