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marianne

I guess i just don't get it ...

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Hmmm , sort of a weird day today but then again nothing that i have not heard before .

I am at my mom and dads place for the weekend until monday when i am going to be fixed up abit and normaly we get along just fine . But , today my sister who is quite a bit older than me was also there and to be quite honest , we never really got along . Well , today , it sort of went a bit too far and i just needed to screem abit .

I am normaly this sort of like nigth owl person who loves to do my creations at night . I can't realy explain why this is like this but , for some reason , the night brings on this mystic power that gives me my inspiration . my ideas , my space and my inner peace that allows me to do what i do best . I can be up all night and for days on end sometimes ( well maybe two days max . ) to try and get down what i am thinking of at that moment . sometimes the work comes real easy but sometimes , i will start something and be real close to having it finished and then destroy it because it " stopped feeling right " . I have done a few things for a great person who has been by my side and in my mind and heart . I have not shown those pics to anyone because i think they are a very personal thing that i only want to share with the person involved but , i have tried other stuff too and that is when my sister blew up .

She told me that i only do this " stuff " to escape reality and that it was about time I got a REAL life . GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR .

Hmmmm , well , i sort of though i HAD / HAVE a real life and , i am finding that i am enjoying it a huge bunch . I told her that i am finaly seeing a light and the light is very bright now . I told her that i am very happy and accepting of who i am and i love what i do because it makes me happy and fullfiled . I told her that maybe she neds to wake up and smell the coffee rather than worry about being soooooo perfect all the time . wel , then she hit me reall bad ( not phyisicaly of course ) but went out of her way to remind me of what happened in the past and that everything was my fault . GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . ( now i'm like soooooo mad and crying at the same time )

So i went to my room , turned on the stereo like REAL LOUD and went to work doing what i KNOW i do best . draw and try to creat what i felt at that moment . Funny but words don't come easy for me yet i can draw my feelings and emotions with perfect clarity and then be able to totaly explain what it suposed to mean to me and why . Hmm go , figure .

Today , i felt sort of like this :

" ... i am a nightmare walking , physco-path stalking , king of the jungle just a gangster talking ... "

( Ice-T )

I ended up talking to my wonderfull person for hours later in the day and after that , everything just sort of like seemed to be OK . Hmm , i guess that different people will react to things totaly wierd sometimes and do and say stuff that will sometimes be hurtfull and outright cruel but , eventually the words will fade away and life goes on . So for me , i know that when things are out of control for me , i can turn to the safety of my music , my art stuff and my special friends to make it all better .

" ... slave to the rythem , slave to the rythem ... "

( Grace Jones )

Thanks for listening , i just needed to express this my way as best as i could rather than let it build up inside . So , i guess that with al i tried to say here , i realy am trying to say that letting things build up inside will dooo like sooo much harm . Don't be afraid to express yourelf in the best way you can .

post-7-1086618843.jpg

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Family harbour lots of hidden agendas when they blow up at you. It always seems to be about one thing but is really about past stuff bubbling up. Just remember that you are not what other people say about you, you are yourself, always. You have a hospital stay coming up, you need your energy for getting well :)

((((Hugs)))) Stay real, be true to you!

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Lorraine , have you been talking to one of my bestest friends ? You know i wish i had the strenght to talk about some of the past but , i don't . I do however have this re-newed will to walk , no , run , no , LEAP forwards and to hell with who thinks and / or says what . Th one thing that has been sort of like shmushed into my head of late is exactly as you said , i have to be MYSELF . This reminds me of this song i have on CD called :

" .... woman in chains .... "

( tears for fears )

The chains are off , broken and beyond repair . so WORLD , SLUSHY GURL is coming , get outta my way , i'm going shopping .

post-7-1086618984.jpg

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MJ.

Here's a suggestion for you during your hospital stay. You were concerned about the hair dyeing. Take along your sketch pad and some colored pencils. That way you can dye anyones hair any color; doctors, nurses, aides, or cellmates, or a self portrait. Then you could show us your work upon your escape. :lol:

Kep

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MJ,

Let me get this straight: you are creative to escape reality? Gurl. it is the creative ones who SHAPE reality!

Sorry your sister has issues. I hope she works them out.

If, by a "real life" she means give up looking at this life with a different view, pray for her. Or is she afraid you won't end up an accountant?

Hope your recovery goes well and you can get back to your art. The world needs dreamers and artists and poets as much as it needs the more mundane folks. The world needs MJ!

-m-

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She told me that i only do this " stuff " to escape reality and that it was about time I got a REAL life.

I'm sorry to hear that, MJ, but I'll share the following with you, see if I can't help out a bit.

The loss of my leg destroyed the thin little threads that were holding together my relationship with my mother and sister, and I've often wondered why that happened.

I'm the crazy, rebelious one in my family, and I'm sure I gave my parents enough gray hairs over the years to keep Clairol in profitable business for years. When I lost my leg I think there was a collision between the feelings of frustration my parents had because of all the trouble I'd gotten into over the years, their love for me as a daughter, their frustration and pain of seeing me minus a leg and the unreasonable fear that I wouldn't be able to have a full, happy life on one leg. Of course, a lot has changed since then, but not everything. My mother seems to have a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that this is me and she throws a fit every time I show up at her place on crutches. 'Oh, Laura, why don't you wear your leg. You look so much more normal with it on.' is a popular remark. She simply does not get that this is not about her and her perfect little daughter, but about me and whatever works the best for me. I've since decided to just let her be and I've accepted that she will never change and the relationship we have is the best we're going to have.

As for my sister... that's a tougher one. I think she resents all the attention I've gotten on some subconscious level, and she hates it that I don't need to be cared for or looked after when maybe she was looking forward to having that upper hand at some point. There are many other issues tearing at our relationship, and they've all added up to a very similar effect as the one you described. If you want to talk about this more, just PM me.

...and in the meantime, dedicate yourself to healing properly and giving all those clowns at the chop-shop (my name for the hospital) hell. :D

Bye now. :)

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" M " , funny you mentiond accountant because SHE IS an accountant . as for me ginving iup what i love doing and what makes me happy ? NEVER . I am who i am and will stay true to me .

Laura , I like sooo totaly feel for you gurl because it sems that we both have gone through the same sort of people feelings and stuff .

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