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Heather Mills - Amputee Forum
PamR

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Hi everyone,

My husband has asked me to post a message for him.

As I am waiting to get the date for my amputation, he thought it would be a good idea if the partners/carers of amputees could share some of their experiences.

I think he is feeling very apprehensive about my op and is worried about when I come home from hospital and being able to cope with everything.

So if there is anyone out there who has a spare five minutes to offer some advice, I think he would be very thankful.

Love Pam

Cheshire, England. :blink:

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Pam,

First of all your husband is welcome to join the list as a caregiver.

As for your husband he needs to realize you'll have your good and bad days. Give you time and space to adjust but also be loving and caring to.

Either post his question or have him join in and post his own we'll do what we can to help him.

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I'll ask my hubby when he gets home tonight...if he has any advice. I think brenda's is right on. More later!

judy

lbk

utah

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Hi Pam, I'm sure he probably is feeling somewhat apprehensive, about what lies ahead and how to cope, b/c it's as much the unknown for them, as it is for the amputee. I think sometimes we can get so caught up inside of our own emotions, that we tend to forget, this is a new beginning for them also. Of course we don't do this intentionally, but at a time like this and especially at the very first, we feel like, (at least I felt like) no one knows 'exactly' how I feel and thought, being my husband, he definitely should. However, looking back at it now, I know my expectations of him where to demanding. He is such a loving, caring husband and would do anything for me and always has been that way. Only this time, it was a situation where he didn't know how to fix it and make it better. He's always been at my side with a great deal of love an support, but for him to know 'exactly' how I felt was 'Impossible'. I mean, how could he, he's never been an amputee and one would definitely have to be, to truely know ones inner feelings. That's when I realized, for the first time, as much as he loves me, that he's as scared of this, as I was myself. Only being men and their pride, most don't want to admit to such a thing, b/c their expected to be the 'Strong Ones.' I'd say to him, "you both need time to adjust and always share your feelings with each other". If my husband was to say one sentence to your husband, he'd say...... well wait a minute and I'll go ask him :D Says, "Do the best you can and she'll do her best for you." :rolleyes:

Well, I think I've rambled on here long enough. :blink: It's really nice you asked that question, b/c I'm sure there are many out there feeling the same way. Hope this helps in some tiny way.

Sheila LBK

Southern Maine

Keep Smiling :)

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Hi Pam,

Personally, I think the two of you need to discuss prior how you'll handle certain issues...for instance, make a pact that he helps when you ask. This way he won't feel the need to do EVERYTHING for you and you won't feel OVERWHELMED by his helpfulness. You just need to agree that you won't be too proud to ask either...and once you've gotten a chance to establish what things you may need help with MOST of the time, then he'll be ready at those times. He also may feel the need to OVER assure you that he loves you and that he is still attracted to you...and you may get the "Oh, he's just saying that to make me feel better" attitude. Tread carefully on that issue, because it's a "show-stopper" for some people. Alot of insecurities can come into play when you lose a limb, especially if you were partial to the aesthetic value of that limb. Your husband may see and feel those insecurities or even just "think" he feels them coming from you...and he may over-compensate with the compliments and reassurance. Bare with him, because he's only doing it because he loves you and you need to be willing to discuss those issues openly. Good communication is really the key, because he will NEVER know exactly what you're feeling about your loss...but then again you'll NEVER really know how he feels about the woman he loves feeling that loss either. Sometimes it feels like a very helpless situation, but never is it a hopeless one. Good Luck, from what I've read...long romantic walks are in your forecast. Remind him of all of those sweet pleasures that you've BOTH missed for a long time...then you can both be excited at the future prospects together.

Johannah "MoJo"

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Thank you all for your very kind, thoughtful and welcoming comments. My husband will read your posts and I will let him decide whether or not he wishes to join this forum.

I am sure we will both learn a lot from your postings.

Thanks

Love

Pam

Cheshire UK

XXX

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Sorry Pam, i have tried to persuade my hubby to use the pc but he won`t , he is not pc savvy at all. Anytime he does want to find info he gets me or Rob to sort it for him then he just sits and reads the screen. :rolleyes:

The advice you have had up to now just about hits the nail on the head. Husbands, partners and family will be very important when the time comes, they are the closest to you and know the type of person you are, but as my husband would tell you (but not via the pc) you do need to make your feelings and moods known, they are not mind readers so you will need to be as open as you can be. Don`t hide behind a smile if you don`t feel like smiling and don`t be afraid to ask for help. Let them know the times you want to be on your own and the times you need them with you and also let them ask some (what may seem like stupid) questions.

Make sure they are looking after themselves as well, they are no good to you if they are stressed or unwell, you need them fit. :)

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